You Can't Run
by special2401
Summary: A story of losing and finding each other eight years down the road. New characters are introduced that both keep Meredith and Derek apart and put them back together. Going from New York City, to Seattle, to Harrisburg, PA and back, their love follows them
1. Prologue

**You Can't Run**

**Prologue**

There's a complicated thing in our world. It's called love. It's everywhere. It bleeds through novels and television shows and movies. It's everywhere in the world as well. It may only be the love between parents that is evident everyday or even just the love a mother has for her child. No matter the situation, it's there. People say there are different types of love; young love, teenage love, lust, or true love. The thing is, love is love for the people who are in it. It means everything to them while they're feeling it. Despite how important it is people mistreat it. They think they're testing it, but in reality, they're testing their partner's and their own strength, their will to keep this going. And when they get to the point that someone gives in, they lose faith in their love. They begin to believe that love wasn't and never will be enough. The journey people go through on the trail of love is a scary and magnificent thing. Anyways, enough mumbo-jumbo. We should get to the point.

Love can be found anywhere, but there is one city that witnessed an amazing love story. The women's name is Meredith Grey. Don't get any ideas; I'm not the guy in this story. I have my own little love story. Meredith's other half is Derek Shepherd. Maybe I should introduce them, as many people know them, Dr. Grey and Dr. Shepherd. At one point in time, they could be considered amazingly lucky. They found each other at a relatively young age. Derek is a little bit older than Meredith, but it never mattered to them. They met in Meredith's hometown of Seattle. To be more specific, they met at work. In case you are familiar with doctor's training at all, Derek was an attending and Meredith just an intern. They fell for each other rather quickly and it spread through the hospital like a virus. I haven't decided if that's because of their lack of discretion or because of the mouths of Meredith's friends.

Let me introduce them to you as well. Meredith's best friend, for some reason unknown to me, is Cristina Yang. She's slightly scary. Trust me, I'm not exaggerating either. I'm being perfectly honest. Do as she says and she might not hurt you. She's a doctor as well. In fact, Meredith doesn't have many friends out side of the hospital. As you may suspect, Cristina is very strong willed. That's the polite way to say it anyways. In reality she's stubborn, horribly sarcastic, rude, but hardworking. Wondering why they're friends? Yeah, so am I. Then there is Isobel or Izzie Stevens. She's the exact opposite of Cristina. She's blonde, hyper, optimistic, and happy. She's always happy. So happy that it scares people sometimes. To throw another type of person into the mix, there is George O'Malley. He's self-conscious and sometimes thought of as gay. Personally, I pity the guy for having to be around these women, but he's not alone. There's also a guy who they all thought of as an asshole at first. Apparently he had some type of secret pain or whatnot. Anyways, his name is Alex Karev. I don't think there really can be much more of variety in a group of people, but that's just me.

Now you're probably wondering who I am. For all you know, I could just be some all-knowing freak who is obsessed with their lives. Well, don't worry I'm not. These people touch my life as well somewhere along the lines after Meredith and I cross paths. If I just come out and tell you whom I am, that'll ruin my fun, so you have to figure out on your own. But like I said, I got to meet Meredith one day. I think I'm pretty lucky since I was able to know her and spend time with her. She's amazing, yet flawed. But who isn't? There are still a million things to know about Meredith and Derek and everything that surrounds their lives, but I can't tell you. After all, if I did, what would the point of the story be?

* * *

_Just in case you were wondering, I'm not going to say who is the narrator of the prologue. He's a character that I created myself and you'll meet him later on when Meredith does. The rest of the story isn't written in 1st person, either._

_I should have the first chapter up soon!_

_Please review!_


	2. Your Secrets Are Out: Chapter 1

_So this is another story. It actually is set in 2013. There will be lots of flashbacks to fill you in and they will be in italics. The first flashback isn't long after the prom! Enjoy..._

* * *

**Part 1: You Can't Run  
**Chapter 1

**Wednesday June 29, 2005: Seattle, Washington**

"_Meredith, this is up to you. No one can make the choice for you. It's between him and me. Take your time and think about it. I'll be waiting." As quickly as Derek had walked into the on-call room, he'd left._

_Meredith was surprised. She'd come in here to sit down and process everything, but hearing those words just threw her even farther off course. Derek and Finn were both being understanding and giving her time, but she couldn't help and wish that someone would just tell her what to do, force her in the right direction. She sat down on the bed and ran her hands through her hair, trying to figure out what to do. _

_She heard the doorknob click and she looked up to see who was coming in. He walked in and shut the door behind him. Moments ago, his face had been full of understanding and love, but now his face was flushed and he looked terrified. _

_Meredith stood up, concerned for the source of his sudden change. He walked closer to her from the door and she slowly backed up. Their eyes were locked, but Meredith couldn't read him at all. The room soon ran out and she was leaning against the wall with no escape._

_Derek walked closer until their bodies were inches apart. She looked down and avoided his eyes, but he slowly raised her chin and made her face him. Her eyes were pleading for him to make her understand what was happening and explain to her why he was acting this way. "I can't pretend anymore. I'm terrified of losing you," he said, sending relief through her body._

_He took a few small steps closer, their bodies beginning to touch, their faces barely apart. Derek turned his head and Meredith searched his face for more, more explanation, but he offered none. As he lowered his face to hers, he placed his hands on her hips and her fingers crept up his arms._

_Her eyes watched as her hands found their way to his face and her eyes found their way back to his. He smiled a little before finally kissing her, letting go of everything that had happened and made her choice for her._

* * *

**Thursday June 6, 2013: New York, City**

"Hello, Dr. Shepherd," a man said taking Derek's hand and shaking it.

"Dr. Shepherd? You've known me since before I even knew what a doctor was," Derek joked as he shook the man's hand.

"Well, Derek, I'm glad you decided to come down this weekend."

"I haven't been to a conference in years, so I thought I was overdue," Derek said as he looked around the rather large hotel lobby.

"How's the wife?" Aaron asked as Derek got in the line to check in.

"Great. She's working like crazy. Too much like her mother," Derek said smiling.

"You two still thinking about kids?" he asked.

"We think about it, but I'm not getting any younger and we both work all the time," Derek said as he moved up in the line.

"Life of a surgeon."

"Exactly."

"I'm happy you are doing better. Jane is especially happy that you finally left that Montgomery chick. Didn't my father tell us when you met her that the Montgomery's weren't the family for us to be around?" Aaron joked.

"Yeah, next time that I am fourteen and meet an attractive girl, I'll go find your dad."

"That's all I'm saying."

"How's Ryan doing? I haven't talked to him in years," Derek said as he dragged his suitcase further up the line.

"He's met a girl actually. I heard he's planning on popping the question," Aaron said raising his eyebrows.

"Good. He never seemed to have luck with the girls. He always went after the wrong ones. He's coming here, right?" Derek asked.

"Yeah. I think he's already here, actually."

"How can I help you tonight? Checking in?" the woman at the counter asked.

"Yes, Derek Shepherd for the conference," Derek said.

"Another doctor?" she asked as she typed something into her computer, "I don't think we've ever had a conference this big here."

"Well it's a good place for it. Beautiful city and this hotel is gorgeous as well."

The girl smiled as she picked up a few things, "It's room 422. It's on the fourth floor. Here are you key cards. I hope you enjoy your stay."

"So do I," Derek said smiling before pulling his suitcase in the direction that Aaron had walked off towards.

"What room?" Aaron asked.

"422."

"Just down the hall from where Jane and I are staying. Since you are going solo, you can come and eat a late dinner with us if you want," Aaron offered as they stepped on to the elevator.

"No, you and your wife should enjoy time without the kids. I need to catch up on some sleep anyways," he said as he hit the button for their floor.

* * *

**Thursday June 6, 2013: Seattle, Washington**

"So, where's the lover boy?" Cristina asked as Meredith pulled off her scrub top.

"Conference."

"And why are you here?" Cristina asked.

"I have patients," Meredith said shutting her locker, "Plus, I'm taking some of his too."

"How long is he going to be gone?"

"Just a few days," Meredith said as she walked out of the locker room with Cristina following her.

"We are so having a party."

"No, we are not having a party. Last time we had a party, my house was nearly destroyed. No parties."

"You are no fun."

"I was actually thinking about flying to the conference and surprising him. We could stay longer and have a little vacation. Just the two of us. I think we need it," Meredith said.

"You two can't even spend a few days without each other can you?" Cristina asked finding it slightly pathetic.

"It's just weird going to bed without him. It just feels like something is missing," Meredith said sadly as Cristina rolled her eyes.

* * *

_Things will probably get slightly confusing after this, but I hope you guys keep reading!_

_Please review too!_


	3. Your Secrets Are Out: Chapter 2

**Part 1: Your Secrets Are Out  
****Chapter 2**

Derek unpacked his things in his luxurious suite. He couldn't help but wish that his wife were here with him. He knew she would love it. The room was large, with a huge window overlooking the city. The bed was dressed with silk sheets and a duvet perfectly matching the rest of the room. The bathroom had a large, jetted tub and a glass shower.

He looked at his cell phone. It wasn't very late, but it was back home. He wanted to call her, but he knew she was sleeping and he couldn't force himself to wake her up. He sighed and dropped his phone on the desk before changing into a pair of sweats and a shirt.

He turned off the lights and pulled the covers down before getting into bed. He laid there for a few moments with the streetlights glaring down on him. He looked down at his wedding ring and thought back to his wife at home. He smiled before adjusting in bed to be more comfortable. He closed his eyes and let himself slip into a much-needed sleep.

* * *

Meredith walked into her house and slowly made it up the stairs. She was exhausted, but unlike most nights, she didn't have anything worth looking forward to upstairs. She walked into the master bedroom and dropped her bag. Looking at the clock, she knew it was getting late and she really needed the sleep. She looked towards the empty, perfectly made bed and then towards the dresser. It was missing some items on top and she knew he'd taken them with him.

It was missing the cologne she loved so much and a gorgeous picture of them down by the ferryboats. She loved that picture so much and it almost made her sad that she couldn't look at it tonight. Instead, she pulled out a photo album and scanned the pages. She began to realize how pathetic she was, considering the fact that he'd only left that morning and she was staring at his pictures as if he'd been gone for years.

She closed the album and quickly changed into one of his shirts and a pair of sweatpants. She climbed into bed and snuggled closely to his pillow, taking in his scent and trying to pretend that he was right with her, his arms wrapped around her. Only then could she finally fall asleep.

* * *

**Friday June 7, 2013**

"Day one without lover boy is over. And you are still alive!"

"Shut up, Cristina," Meredith said as she tied her shoe.

"I'm pretty surprised too. He hasn't gone on a conference in like a year. I think that's because you went into a mental break down last time," Izzie added.

"I didn't break down. I got into a car accident," Meredith said annoyed.

"Because you were breaking down," Cristina added.

"No, because I was drunk," Meredith pointed out as she shut her locker door.

"Because you were breaking down at the bar," Cristina continued.

"No, I was just lonely. I drink when I'm lonely. You guys have been my friends for what? Eight years? You should know that by now."

"Oh we do. We all have our own Meredith and tequila stories," Izzie said laughing.

"Shut up," Meredith said, a little embarrassed.

* * *

Derek woke up to the sound of his alarm going off. He quickly shut it off and sat up on the bed with his feet hanging over the side. He rubbed his eyes as they adjusted to the sunlight peering in through the large window. He yawned as he forced himself up and into the bathroom. Before his mind started processing any normal thoughts, his body went into automatic, getting into the shower and making himself look decent for the day.

After he got dressed his coffee was finally ready. As soon as the caffeine went through his body, his mind started to wake up. He checked his cell phone finding no missed calls and then grabbed his brief case.

He walked out of his room and headed downstairs to the Continental Breakfast that was full of doctors. He found his friends and walked over to them, "Good morning," Derek said as he took a seat.

"Hey, Derek. I haven't seen you in forever," a man said with brown hair sitting opposite from Derek.

"I heard you've finally got yourself a lady," Derek said as he poured himself a cup of coffee.

"Yeah, she's amazing. But that's all you get to know."

"What?" Derek asked.

"Remember when I told you about Amy Sullivan? I told you every detail and then she left me. Never again," he joked.

"Ryan, that was twenty years ago."

"I'm not taking any chances with this one."

Derek took a sip of his coffee and then looked over at his friend, "She's really got you wrapped around her finger, doesn't she?"

"Nothing compared to your wife. You'd conquer the world if she asked you to," Ryan said as he took a bite of the eggs in front of him.

"That I would."

* * *

"Day two is halfway over, feeling like getting drunk?"

"Cristina, shut up. I can function without him. I promise," Meredith said rolling her eyes as she walked down the hall.

"Burke is complaining about him not being here. I hate it that they're friends. Burke and George was bad enough, but this is just weird."

Meredith laughed, "You really don't like happy people do you?"

"Would I be Cristina if I did?"

"True," Meredith said as she walked into a patient's room.

* * *

After a few hours in the hospital, Meredith finally got a break and headed towards an on-call room. She sat down on one of the beds and pulled out her cell phone. She was a little disappointed when she saw that she had no messages, but considering what time it would be there, she figured he'd still be in his conference.

She dialed his number quickly, not even having to think about the numbers and waited as the dial continued. The answering machine picked up as she expected, "Hey honey, it's me. I'm just calling since I got a few minutes off. I miss you so much and I can't wait till you get back. I was looking at the calendar this morning and I realized that our anniversary is coming up! Five years. Can you believe that? Anyways, I should get back to work. Call me tonight because I hate sleeping without hearing your voice. I love you, bye."

Meredith closed her phone and looked around the room smiling. She couldn't believe that five years really had gone by. She felt like she'd just met him yesterday, but it had been forever ago.

* * *

"Cristina, you have surgery Sunday at noon," Meredith said as she walked into the locker room.

"I already have surgery at noon."

"Well now you have two surgeries at noon," Meredith said as she opened her locker and pulled out her shirt.

"What?"

"You're the surgical junky, be happy," Meredith said which Cristina just rolled her eyes to, knowing she'd just shift the times of the surgeries. "I'm leaving for New York. I'm so excited! I can't wait to see the look on his face!"

Cristina watched Meredith as her face lit up just at the mention of him. "You are seriously pathetic."

"I am not pathetic, I'm in love. There is a difference."

"Yeah, sure," Cristina said, unconvinced.

* * *

"Hey, Derek? Want to head down to the bar? Ryan is down there and I was going to meet him," Aaron said after opening his door and noticed Derek walking down the hotel hall towards his room.

"Yeah, just let me put down my stuff and check my messages," Derek said. He was really just hoping to hear the sound of her voice.

He got into his room and dropped his brief case and took off his jacket. He flipped on the light by his bed and pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. He had four missed calls and the first three were all from her.

He laid back on the bed as he listened to all three of them, her voice bringing a smile to his face. She rambled on about the events of the day and what was going on at the hospital. It wasn't anything special, but it comforted him. It made him feel like she was sitting next to him, just telling him about her day just like she did regularly when they'd finally made their way home from the hospital.

Sooner then he would have wanted, the messages were over and all that was left was one from another caller. He recognized the number and knew it was probably important, but he didn't want to deal with it right now. He quickly dialed his house number when there was knock on the door.

"I'm heading down, you coming?"

Derek looked back down at the phone and closed it. He sat up and walked over to the door, "Yeah, I'm coming," he said as he opened the door. He decided that he'd just call her in the morning. That way he wouldn't have to wake her up.

* * *

Meredith finished packing and looked around at the mess she made. She knew he'd kill her when he got home and saw that her entire closet had thrown up into their bedroom. She had just wanted everything to be perfect, down to the clothing she was wearing at all times.

She picked out clothes that she knew he loved and brought a few casual things for him, since she knew he brought mainly suits with him. She was so excited; she couldn't wipe the smile off her face. She didn't know why she was so excited, after all, he left Thursday morning and it was only Friday night, but she felt like they'd been separated for years.

She pulled the luggage into the hallway and then walked back into her room. Part of her wanted to clean up for him, but she figured that she could just do that before her flight took off tomorrow. She knocked a few things that were on the bed off and cuddled beneath the sheets, close to his scent lingering on his pillow. She closed her eyes, knowing that the faster she fell asleep, the faster she'd get to him.

* * *

Derek walked into the bar and headed over to Ryan with Aaron at his side. They both sat down and ordered their drinks.

"I think this has been the most boring and pointless conference, I've ever been to," Ryan said as he took a sip of his beer.

"It's a conference, what do you expect?" Derek asked.

"He's just complaining cause he misses his lusty girlfriend," Aaron joked, "He's got it bad," he continued, making Derek laugh too.

"Derek, you have it just as bad if not worse," Ryan pointed out while Derek had to agree to. He fumbled with something on the table before looking back up to his two friends. "I think I'm going to ask her to marry me when I get home."

"Good for you," Aaron said, not noticing the changed demeanor in Ryan. His joking mood had suddenly become full of nervousness.

Ryan flipped his fingers around the box sitting on the table again, "What, what if she doesn't say yes? Derek, you were so certain when you proposed. How do you know?"

"You just do," Derek answered before taking a sip of his scotch. Ryan didn't seem satisfied and eager to know more. "I never reveal my secrets," Derek added.

"From what I could tell the night I met her, she's hooked on you too man. What girl would say no to a rich surgeon?" Aaron asked.

Ryan smiled, "You better be right, otherwise, I'm coming after you both."

* * *

_I hope you guys are still liking it! Remember, this is just setting up the story lines so things will get much more interesting as the story goes on._

_Laurenn- This story was orginally called Your Secrets Are Out, but as the story goes on, that title stops fitting it well, so I decided to just make it the part name. The title You Can't Run fits the overall story a lot better!_

_And thank you all for your reviews!_


	4. Your Secrets Are Out: Chapter 3

**Part 1: Your Secrets Are Out  
Chapter 3 **

**Saturday June 8, 2013**

Derek woke up, instantly regretting his choice in getting slightly drunk with his friends last night. He pulled off his covers jumped in the shower. Once he was cleaned and dressed, he pulled out his cell phone.

He was a little disappointed to find no new messages, but then remembered that he never responded to her other three. He quickly called her and after a serious of rings, met the answering machine. He left a quick message before closing his phone and grabbing his brief case. All he had left was one more day of this conference and then he could go home to his wife.

* * *

Meredith turned her cell phone back on and looked at her three messages. She smiled as she listened to them all. As she sat in traffic, she dialed his number and listened to the continuous ring. When the answer machine picked up, she decided to leave him a simple message, "Hey honey. Sorry I missed your calls. There was an emergency surgery. I still have patients, so I'll give you another call when I can. I love you, bye."

It was late Saturday night, but the city was wide-awake. She had never been to New York before, but as she turned into the parking garage, she decided that she might just like it here.

Meredith walked into the hotel, trying carefully to look out for him. After her long flight, she knew she didn't look her best and she didn't want him to see her just yet. She walked up to the counter and checked in.

"Here is your key card. Room 423, fourth floor," a young man at the counter said. Meredith quickly thanked him and grabbed the key and her bag, heading towards the elevator.

She crossed the lobby and hit the button, waiting for the doors to open. She continued to look around as if she was paranoid, hoping that he wouldn't see her. As the door opened, she walked into the empty elevator and pressed the fourth floor button. She turned to face the closing doors as a man walked in front of the elevator. He turned and met her eyes. His deep blue eyes. The ones she hadn't seen in years.

The doors shut before either moved. Meredith grabbed on to the wall of the elevator feeling the wait of the world shifting. Eight years. Eight long years had gone by since she'd seen those eyes. She told herself that she'd just imagined it. She was jet lagged and obviously hallucinating.

She gathered herself back together as the doors opened on the fourth floor. She rolled her luggage down the hall towards room 423. She opened the door and immediately fell in love with it all. The huge window view was amazing, along with the detailed architecture and the beautiful interior design. She fell on to the bed, trying to ignore the feeling that blazed through her the moment she set sight on those eyes

* * *

Meredith woke up well after the last day of the conference had begun. She was well rested, but knew that she had some things to do today. After getting dressed in a cute outfit that she knew he loved and doing her hair perfectly, she hurried down to the lobby to figure out what room he was staying in. After being told 420, she headed over to the hotel restaurant to have some lunch. The place was pretty empty, which she was thankful for because she could see everyone in there. Luckily neither of the men she was avoiding was eating lunch there.

After lunch, she made her way back upstairs. She was a little surprised that their rooms were so close and hoped that he hadn't seen her by mistake the night before. As she was walking down the hall towards her room, a door opened and a man with blonde hair walked out.

"Meredith?"

Meredith stopped and looked at him. She knew she'd seen him before, but at first she didn't make the connection. She looked at him confused.

"Aaron. Aaron Westwood. Ryan's friend?"

"Oh, sorry, it's the jet lag," Meredith said before shaking his hand.

"So what are you doing here?" Aaron asked.

"I'm actually here surprising Ryan. Did the conference end early or something?" Meredith asked.

"Yes, it did actually. He's downstairs at the bar with a few of our friends. I was just heading down there, would you like to join us?" Aaron asked.

Meredith thought she probably should surprise him later when it was just the two of them, but she couldn't wait. She missed him so much, "Sure."

Aaron led her back to the elevator and then across the lobby. They walked past the small restaurant to the bar. As soon as they walked in, Meredith could see the back of his head and already was getting excited. He turned around and saw her before they even made it halfway across the bar.

He got up and hurried over to the place she'd stopped the second they locked eyes. "Meredith? What are you doing here?" he asked as he wrapped his arms around her.

"I missed you," she said still caught up in a tight hug.

Aaron continued walking past them and took a seat at the bar, unnoticed by them. Ryan let go of her and looked at her, "I'm so glad you're here."

Meredith smiled and pulled Ryan down for a quick kiss. After letting go she looked at him, "Now are we just going to stand here or are you going to get me some tequila?"

Ryan laughed and took her hand leading her over to his friends, "Guys? I'd like you to meet the woman I've been telling you all about. Meredith, you already know Aaron, and then this is Dr. Kevin Gregory, Dr. Lee Nichols, and Dr. Derek Shepherd."


	5. Your Secrets Are Out: Chapter 4

_ Tricked ya, didn't I? Yeah, I know that was mean... It really was, but on the other sites I'm slightly known for my evil plans for characters... I actually have a story that I killed Derek in, but don't worry about that. I've had to vow to never kill another character!  
_

_Just so you guys know, italics are flashbacks. I hope you guys are still enjoying the story. And don't hate me for the chaos and drama that defines this story!

* * *

_

**Part 1: Your Secrets Are Out  
****Chapter 4:**

"_Meredith! Stop!" Cristina yelled as her friend practically ran in circles around the room. "Seriously, STOP!"_

_"No, Cristina. I can't do this. I need some time. By myself," Meredith said as she grabbed a few more shirts out of her closet._

_"Then lock yourself in this room for a week for all I care. Leaving isn't going to do anything," Cristina said, trying to stop her._

_"No, because if I stay here, he'll be all McDreamy or I'll get drunk and either way, my head will get all cloudy and then I'll just sleep with him again, solving absolutely nothing," Meredith said as she closed another suitcase._

_Cristina sighed and leaned against the wall, "So you're really leaving?"_

_Meredith looked around at the luggage and then back up at Cristina's defeated face, "Yeah, I'm really leaving."

* * *

_

Meredith's eyes darted from Derek to Ryan. Ryan was smiling, obviously proud of his girlfriend, and happy to be able to show her off. Derek looked shocked. So did she. It was the same look they both had last night when neither one of them wanted to believe that they had seen each other. She looked back towards Derek whose expression hadn't changed and then back towards Ryan who was now sensing the tension and becoming confused.

She let go of Ryan's hand and turned around, hurrying out of the bar. Ryan turned around and watched her leave, but before he could follow her, Derek practically jumped out of his chair and ran after her. "What just happened?" Ryan asked as he turned back towards his friends.

"Apparently, they already know each other," Aaron said.

"I need to go make sure Meredith is alright," Ryan said as he turned around and followed the direction Meredith and Derek had gone.

* * *

_"Bailey? I need Dr. Grey for a case. She's been on one like this before," Derek said after catching up to Dr. Bailey._

_"No can do, Dr. Shepherd," she said as she continued to walk quickly down the hall._

_"Why not?" Derek asked a little confused._

_Bailey stopped and turned around, "Besides the fact that I don't approve of you favoring her or of you two's love affair, Dr. Grey is no longer my intern, so no. I cannot assign her to you."_

_"She's not your intern anymore? Whose intern is she?" Derek asked following Bailey as she began walking into the elevator._

_"How would I know? Meredith Grey is no longer employed at this hospital," Bailey said before the doors shut, leaving Derek standing alone, watching the steel doors before him._

* * *

"Meredith," Derek called out as he chased her across the lobby. 

Meredith was very aware of the fact that not only was he basically yelling for her, but that people were also beginning to stare. Still, she really didn't care and she wasn't planning on just stopping. She hurried into the elevator and pressed the fourth floor button, waiting anxiously for the doors to close.

She was almost certain that she saw safe when she saw his body slide between the small opening. The doors reacted to him and opened again, allowing him entrance before they finally shut. Meredith retreated to the back of the elevator, playing with the bottom of her sweater for some sort of distraction.

Derek looked over at her. She was beautiful and she hadn't changed since the last time he'd seen her. It took everything in him to keep space between them. He wanted to say something, but he didn't know what. They had ended so quickly and unexpectedly, and so many things had changed in eight years, he didn't know what he could say that would make anything better.

_"Meredith?" Derek said as he opened her bedroom door. He knew it was late, but he wanted to see her. He had tried to get out early, but he had a late surgery and was stuck at the hospital all night. He hadn't seen her since he left that morning and he couldn't wait to just be close to her again._

_Her room was dark and the only sound was Meredith's soft crying. He immediately closed the door and hurried over to, hoping to fix whatever was upsetting her. "Meredith, are you okay?"_

_She didn't respond. She just looked up from her pillow to his eyes. He gently caressed her cheek and she covered his hand with her own. She lifted herself off the bed and kissed Derek's hunched over figure before pulling him down on the bed with her. That night they made passionate love._

_When Derek woke up the next morning, he still had no idea what had caused Meredith's tears. He rolled over, expecting to see her face, but instead found only ruffled sheets. He immediately got dressed and went downstairs, expecting to find her, but the house was empty._

The elevator doors opened on the fourth floor, without a word passing between them. Meredith pushed herself off the wall she'd been leaning on and walked out the doors. Just as they began to close behind her, Derek stepped between them, "You just left."

Meredith stopped and turned around. She looked at him with cold hard anger in her eyes. He could tell that she was on the verge of tears, but was holding them back. She was trying to be strong, but Derek could see through it and see the vulnerability.

She grasped the handle of her door right next to her. Derek looked down at her hand and prayed that she wasn't going to just leave. She continued to look at him, opening her mouth to break the thick silence. She quickly closed it again and looked back down at her hand, almost wondering if she'd be able to walk away from him again. She smothered up what strength she had left and looked back to Derek, "But I came back."

Derek's face immediately shot back up to hers. He was immediately confused and taken by surprise. She opened the door and hurried inside, shutting the door before he could stop her.

Meredith's body fell against the thick wooden door. Her racing heartbeat caused her to lose her breath. She slid down the smooth white paint, trying to calm breathing down. She saw a tear hit her shirt, making her realize that she'd been crying since she slammed the door.

She hadn't seen him in eight years and suddenly he was back. She didn't understand it. What was the chance that she had to fall for a guy who was best friends with him? A long time ago, she'd sworn him out of her life and she wanted to stay true to that. The tears rolling down her cheeks not only told her she'd have a tough time holding out her promise, but also reminded her of a day that happened years ago.

_"You're back? You are seriously back?"_

_"I am standing in front of you, aren't I, Iz?" Meredith said._

_"Oh my god!" Izzie squealed as she wrapped her arms around Meredith._

_"Izzie, you are choking me," Meredith said uneasily, prompting Izzie to let go of her. Izzie then backed up, allowing Meredith access to the house that she'd left two months ago._

_After about an hour of catching up with Izzie, Meredith finally made her way upstairs, hoping for some much needed sleep. She knew there would be no sleeping tomorrow night, considering that everyone had off, so despite the fact that it was only eight o'clock at night, Meredith collapsed on her bed almost instantly. _

_She felt warmed by the familiarity of the room: the dimness of the light, the feel of the comforter, and the smell of cologne on the pillow next to her. She was only missing one thing. She rolled over as she thought that, throwing her face directly into the scent. As the pillow took hold of the shape of her face, she heard a crinkling noise beneath it. She sat up and pulled out a wrinkled envelope from under the pillow._

_She leaned into the headboard as she pulled the letter out of the envelope. Before opening the letter, she flipped the envelope over and read the back. All it had was her name written in a familiar neat script. She dropped the envelope on her lap and gently opened the perfectly folded paper._

Meredith stopped herself from traveling any farther in her memory. She didn't want to remember it. Not any of it. She just wanted to remember Ryan. Just her happiness with Ryan and what he made her feel. She didn't want to remember anything to do with Derek. Not anymore.

* * *

_There will be many more flashbacks and much more explanation, I promise! I hope you guys are enjoying it!_

_Please review!_


	6. Your Secrets Are Out: Chapter 5

**Part 1: Your Secrets Are Out  
****Chapter 5:**

"Derek?"

Derek turned around and saw the open elevator doors with one of his best friends walking out. Derek didn't say anything, but he couldn't look Ryan straight in the eye.

"What was that? And where did Meredith go?" he asked looking down the halls, with a worried tone in his voice.

"She went to her room," Derek said sounding completely defeated.

Ryan continued to get more confused as he saw an overwhelming sadness take his friend. "Did you two know each other?"

"You could say that," Derek said, finally raising his head to Ryan. Ryan opened his mouth to say something, but Derek interrupted him, "It's Meredith," he said in a surprised voice.

"What?"

"It's Meredith. Meredith Grey. You want to propose to Meredith," Derek sounded like he didn't believe his own words.

Meredith's door swung open and they both looked towards her. There were tears running down her face, but she looked surprised. Ryan instantly ran over to her and wrapped his arms around her, "Meredith? Are you okay?"

Meredith's face rested on his shoulder and she wrapped her arms around him as well, taking in his scent and everything she's loved about him. She tried to focus on him, but her eyes kept trying to look up at Derek. He looked so hurt, but then she remembered what she'd done. She'd sworn him off. "I'm okay. I promise," she said focusing on Ryan.

"How do you two know each other?" Ryan asked after him and Meredith left each other's arms.

"We worked together," Meredith jumped in before Derek could come up with some excuse.

Ryan didn't look very convinced, but he dropped it. Meredith was obviously hurt and he didn't want to make it any worse. "So you know McKenzie?"

"McKenzie?" Meredith asking turning her head toward Derek.

Derek took a step towards her, but she instantly took a step back, "Mer, I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?" both Meredith and Ryan asked at the same time, both for very different reasons.

"Who's McKenzie?" Meredith asked taking another step back.

"His wife," Ryan said. Meredith's head jolted towards him at his words. She looked back at Derek and could see the guilt written all over him. Lying would be pointless now and he knew it. His face told her everything.

"I have to go," Meredith whispered. She walked back into her room and slammed the door shut before Ryan could follow her in. Ryan didn't understand why she'd just slammed the door in his face, but he was beginning to think that Derek might know.

Ryan turned around and looked at Derek, "What am I missing here?"

"I just need to talk to her," Derek said, his eyes fixed on the door. He hated that she was upset, but it gave him a little bit of hope. If she really cared about Ryan, then why would she be upset about McKenzie?

"Why do you need to see _my_ girlfriend?" Ryan asked emphasizing the word _my._

"I just need to explain something to her," Derek said desperately.

"How did you two really meet?" Ryan asked becoming suspicious.

"That not the point," Derek said pushing past Ryan towards the Meredith's door, deciding it would be best for Ryan to not know about their one night stand. "Mer, let me in. Let me explain," Derek said gently through the door. He couldn't hear anything and he wasn't sure if that was better or worse than hearing her cry.

"Derek, what the hell is going on? I don't even know why Meredith is here and now all this shit is happening!" Ryan said, obviously getting angry.

"Ryan, this isn't the time for you to deal with this. Just go back downstairs to the bar," Derek said still listening for some sign of life from Meredith's room.

"I'm not going to just leave you up here with her," Ryan said, continuing to get angrier.

"Ryan just go the hell away," Derek kept getting angrier as well. He wasn't sure if it was because Ryan was being difficult or if it was because he knew Ryan was sleeping with _his_ Meredith. _His_ Meredith.

"Don't touch her," Ryan said forcefully, surprising Derek a little. He glared at Derek and then turned around and stepped onto the elevator.

Derek watched Ryan press a button and then the doors slowly close. Before he could turn his attention back to the door, it swung open and he felt Meredith wrap her hands around his face, pulling him into a long, passionate kiss.

When she let go, Derek's blue eyes were wide and shocked. Meredith looked him in the eyes for a moment, her eyes softened just by his look, but she quickly covered it up. "That was just the good-bye kiss I never got," she said before slamming the door again.

Derek was completely shocked. He didn't move. He hadn't processed a single thing that had happened and none of it was making any sense. Then it dawned on him. Meredith kissed him. He hadn't seen her in eight years and she kissed him. Surprisingly, Meredith was the only woman in his mind.


	7. Your Secrets Are Out: Chapter 6

**Part 1: Your Secrets Are Out  
****Chapter 6:**

"Dude, lay off the juice," Aaron said an hour after Ryan had returned silently to the bar, only to continuously order alcohol.

"You never met Meredith before she was with me, right?" Ryan asked, not looking towards Aaron.

"How would I have met her? I've been stuck in New York practically all my life," Aaron answered.

"That's not an answer to my question," Ryan said gruffly.

"I don't think so, but trust me, if I had met her, I would remember," Aaron said, obviously referring to her looks. "So, where is Derek?"

"I'd really like to know that myself."

"So, you are down here getting drunk, but your girlfriend is upstairs with Derek?" Aaron asked.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"No idea."

"Sucks for you man," Aaron said as he stood up, "Sorry, but I've got a wife upstairs and I don't see any other men around here who will stay upstairs with her."

* * *

Derek looked at the white wall across from him. He'd been staring at it for at least an hour. First he tried going back to his room and pacing around, but that didn't settle his mind. Then he began pacing around the hall, but his eyes kept darting towards her door. Now he's leaning against it, sitting on the floor, looking as though he was locked out of his own room. 

He was happy that only a few guests had come upstairs, after all, he knew he looked ridiculous. But he did have a plan. It wasn't a very good one, but it was better then nothing. He just figured if he waited here long enough, she was bound to open the door. Then he'd talk to her or do something. He wasn't sure what he really was going to do and he knew that that was a huge flaw in his plan, but oh well. Nothing's perfect. And other then that, nothing is what he has.

He looked down at his hands that were restless. He was either rubbing them together or drawing random patterns against the smooth carpet. Once again, he knew it was ridiculous, but he didn't care about being ridiculous. Deciding that digging his fingers through the carpet wasn't satisfying his restless mood, he moved onto digging through his memory.

_There was a slight rain outside and the room was dim, with only one small light on. The remembrance of Meredith was everywhere. Half of her things were still filling the room, including her scent, her smile, and the glow she left everywhere she went. _

_Derek had been sitting on her bed, staring up to the ceiling that she had for so many nights of her life. He was confused beyond realization and he was lost. He pulled out an envelope from his pocket and stared at the scribbled name he loved so much. He loved the sound of it and the way it rolled off his tongue perfectly. It described her better than anything else in the world could. _

_He knew that if he left it lying out, Izzie, George, or Cristina would take it and she'd never see it. He decided to slip it under the pillow that had been his. He knew the bed was the first place Meredith would be if she ever came back, either out of exhaustion or frustration. He knew that she'd find it, either cleaning one day, packing up the rest of her belongings, or just lying in bed. He just hoped that she did come back to find it._

_He'd written and rewritten it so many times that day, trying to make it right. He didn't want Meredith to feel bad about leaving, after all, he had done much worse than that to her. Before getting up to leave, he went over every word in his mind, making sure that it was the one he wanted her to read someday. _

_He then stood up and took one more look around the room. He flicked off the light and headed to the door. As he walked out, he grabbed the doorknob, readying to shut the door. Halfway closed, he stopped. He didn't look back, he just kept looking forwards, down the hall, but part of him didn't want to leave. He knew that when he left tonight, he wasn't ever going to come back without Meredith and the chance of that not happening killed him inside._

* * *

"Cristina." 

"Why the hell are you calling me? Do you not know that it is late? And that this is my only night off?"

"Cristina, shut up," Meredith said harshly looking around her room as she grasped her cell phone.

"Okay, what's wrong with you?"

"McDreamy is here," Meredith said sighing.

"Who the he- wait a second, McDreamy? As in Derek Shepherd McDreamy?" Cristina asked surprised.

"Yes. McDreamy. Or McAss. That probably fits him better."

Cristina laughed a little, "So let me get this straight. You went all the way to New York to screw Ryan and McDreamy is there wanting to screw you?"

"No. Not screw. Besides, he's married."

"I thought he dropped Satan," Cristina responded.

"Oh no, he did. I believe her name is McKenzie."

Cristina laughed again, "So he got married? Again?"

"Yup," Meredith said sounding defeated.

"Now, why do you care?"

Meredith looked around the room as if she was searching for an answer. Obviously not finding one, she hung up the phone. All the way in New York, she swore she could see Cristina's sarcastic smile.

* * *

"What are you doing?" 

Derek looked up and saw Aaron staring down at him. Derek had been so lost in his thoughts; he hadn't even noticed the elevator door open or him walk over. "Waiting."

"For?"

"Fate."

"You sound like a chick," Aaron joked.

"Thanks," Derek said sarcastically, looking back down to the spot on the wall across from him.

Aaron placed his hands in his slack's pockets and looked around the deserted hallway. Who was he kidding? It was almost midnight; no one was going to be out here. Deciding that that was true, Aaron took a seat next to Derek and looked at the wall, "Okay, what are we looking at?"

"Nothing."

Aaron was beginning to get a little worried about Derek. More confused then actually worried in all reality. "What's going on?"

"Remember Addison?"

"We talked about her two days ago, of course I remember Addison."

"Remember why Addison and I got a divorce?" Derek asked.

"She slept with your best friend?" Aaron asked, thinking he was right.

"No, that's why I left this city. We got a divorce because I didn't care about her anymore. Not the way that I cared about…" Derek cut himself off, getting choked up on his own words.

Aaron sighed. He got it. "Not the way you cared about Meredith."

"Exactly."

"Where is she?"

"On the opposite side of this door," Derek said.

"So, that's why you are sitting in the middle of the hallway?"

"Exactly."

"Sorry man," Aaron said as he stood up, "I gotta get back to the wife, but you might want to get going too. Ryan is drunk and pissed and seeing you waiting here for his girlfriend, might push him over the edge."

"I don't care," Derek said flatly.

"Whatever. Your life at risk here," Aaron said before walking down the hallway towards his room. Derek just stayed stationary, never taking his eyes off the wall.


	8. Your Secrets Are Out: Chapter 7

**Part 1: Your Secrets Are Out  
Chapter 7:Sunday June 9, 2013**

"There is a boy in front of my door," Meredith said calmly.

"What's his name?"

"Like you don't know," Meredith responded.

"So he sat out there waiting for you?" Cristina asked.

"Weird?"

"Creepy. What is his problem anyways? Doesn't he have a wife?" Cristina asked.

"Yeah, but we did kiss-"

"You kissed him? You are still the slutty mistress."

"Am not," Meredith said as she picked up her tooth brush, "I haven't been the slutty mistress in eight years."

"Until you kissed him."

"You aren't helping!" Meredith said frustrated.

"If you wanted help, why did you call me?"

"Good point."

* * *

_"So this guy, you love him don't you?"_

_"That's not the point," Meredith said before sipping her coffee at the old kitchen table._

_"It is the point."_

_"Aunt Hil, it's not. The point is he's married. He can't be married and love me too. It just doesn't work that way."_

_"Obviously it does. Besides, some piece of paper that says your married isn't anywhere near as binding as the actual emotion of love. That marriage means nothing to him and if you are just realizing that, then you may be even stupider then your mother," the older women said as she sat down next to her niece._

_"You aren't being very aunt-like right now. You're being more motherly. You are supposed to tell me that he's just stupid and he's the one missing out," Meredith joked._

_"No, that's your grandmother's job. Now, if you want that, you go learn how to talk to the dead, but right now, I'm all you got and this is all I'm offering."_

_Meredith just sighed realizing that her Aunt was right. These were the words she needed to be hearing despite the fact that she'd never admit to it._

_"Hun, you've been here for more than a month. Trust me, I love having you around especially since your cousins don't live anywhere near here, but you need to live your life. I understand you needed time, we all do, but time is running out," she said giving a sympathetic smile to Meredith._

_"Can't I wait just a little longer before I have to deal with this? Time really can't be running anywhere that quickly."_

_"We never know how quickly time is running or when you're going to lose your last second. You don't want to go home and realize that that second already passed."_

_"Okay, so fine. I do love him," Meredith said defeated._

_"I know honey. But I'm not the one you should be telling."

* * *

_

Meredith opened her door and watched as Derek fell backwards. She couldn't help but smile as he abruptly woke up and looked up at her. He smiled at her, almost forgetting everything that had happened. As her smile stiffened into a hateful glare, everything came back to Derek and he almost jumped up. He brushed off his nice clothes and looked expectantly at Meredith.

"What?" she asked knowing the look on his face.

"We should talk."

"No. I've heard enough lies from you to last me a life time," she said, trying to close the door.

"Lies? I did not lie," Derek said. Despite her best efforts, he pushed the door open and walked into her room, letting the door slam behind them.

"Then what the hell was the whole 'I'll wait for you' speech? That, that is what I'd call a lie. You couldn't wait two months, could you? Oh, but you could wait two months to tell me you were married."

"Meredith, stop it. You are missing things here. You don't know what happened," Derek said. He was yelling or raising his voice at all like she was. He was calm, trying to plead with her.

"I know perfectly well what happened. I left to think. Not to get away from you forever, to think. Then I came back because I realized that I couldn't stand being away from you and all I find when I get back is a new boss and a fucking letter on my bed full of lies. What am I missing here, Derek?" Meredith yelled.

"Just calm down," Derek said.

"No! I'm not going to calm down. And I'm sure as hell not going to forgive you for leaving me. Now get the hell out!" Meredith yelled trying to push Derek out the door.

Derek was going to fight back, but what was he going to say? There wasn't anything he could say or do to turn back the time and they both know that. It was his fault that they were here and he couldn't go back in time and change it. He let the door slam in his face and listened as her breath slowed on the opposite side of the door, knowing she hadn't moved a muscle.

They both slid to the ground with only the wood separating their bodies. Their minds both went to the same piece of cream paper with thick black ink inscribed neatly on top of it. Meredith thought back to the night that she ripped it from the envelope and sat on her bed, reading it's content, while Derek's mind went back to writing it, sitting alone in his office.

_Meredith, _

_I doubt that'll you'll ever get this, but I'm still going to write it, because this is the only way I can even try to connect with you right now. I don't know what is going on, but everyone keeps telling me that you are gone. I thought everything was worked out, but apparently not. You left exactly fifteen days ago. I just wanted you to know that the divorce is final. It's done. Finally. Addison is still in Seattle, but she moved out and I've basically camped out in your room. I don't want to let you go. I don't understand why you are making me. I don't understand why you are forcing us to go through this when we don't have to. We could be together now. We could love each other forever and grow old together. Everything we'd ever dreamed could happen, but now you are gone and I can't see straight enough to see into the future at all. I'm going to wait for you. I know one day, no matter what we do, fate will step in. That's the way life works. Despite all our best interests, fate will win. I'll meet you again and I'll fall for you all over again. It won't make a difference if it's tomorrow, two days from tomorrow, or ten years from tomorrow. Nothing is going to change that. I'm not going to expect you to wait around for me to find you, because honestly, I don't know where to start. I know there is a reason you left, otherwise you wouldn't have. I just hope you didn't give away your life for me. If you really wanted to be away from me, I could have left, so that you could stay with your friends and your mother and your job. You should have told me that something wasn't right, but I don't blame you for not. I know I'm not the easiest person for you to trust and I know that's my fault. Just trust that I'll still be here. I'll still be here when fate steps in and takes things out of our hands. I love you. I'm so sorry I never got to tell you that._

_Love,_

_Derek_


	9. Your Secrets Are Out: Chapter 8

_I hope you guys liked Aunt Hil eventhough you really didn't get to know her much in that little flashback. She's one of my favorite characters ever. Here's another chapter! I hope you enjoy!_**

* * *

**

**Part 1: Your Secrets Are Out  
Chapter 8:**

**S****unday June 9, 2013**

"What are you still doing here?"

Derek looked up, taken away from his memory, and met angry eyes. He stood up, "I'm trying to make some things clear."

"How about I make some things clear. I don't know what is going on, but I've only seen Meredith like this once in my life and that was when I met her. She's been fighting for a long time to put her life back together from some pretty traumatic events she experienced you are obviously linked to one of them, so just stay away from her," Ryan said forcefully.

Derek looked at Ryan. He obviously cared for Meredith. That was good, right? Meredith had someone who cared about her enough to stand up for her. Derek never even found the guts to tell her that he cared about her other then in some measly letter. Derek's guilty conscience quickly took over him.

"Take care of her, okay?" Derek asked. "And just forget about this. Don't be mad at her for it. This whole thing was my fault."

Ryan looked confused. He'd never seen Derek look so upset before. He immediately softened his mood, "Okay," was the only response he gave before Derek turned and walked down the hall towards his own room.

* * *

Derek lay on his bed as the cell phone vibrated next to his head. He glanced over at the caller-id for the millionth time that night. The caller switched from his wife to Richard Webber. He still had a message from a few days ago that he'd never check from Richard and now he began to wonder why he was calling to begin with. 

The vibrating stopped and Derek sighed, staring up at the ceiling. He swore he'd been there for at least three hours, the fact that Meredith was down the hall and that his flight left the next morning weighing on his mind. He couldn't believe that he'd actually begun to get through days without ever thinking about her.

Derek heard a knock on his door, so he pulled himself off the bed and walked across the room. He opened and saw Aaron. "Mind if I come in?"

Derek opened the door wider, letting his friend come in. Aaron walked over to the bed, taking a seat and Derek sat down next to him. "Retreated from your hallway residence?"

Derek laughed, "Ryan came by. I decided not to cause any problems."

"Good," Aaron replied before becoming more serious, "I get that I've only ever loved one woman and that's my wife, but if you loved McKenzie enough to marry her, what is going on?"

"I do love McKenzie. Meredith and I just never got a chance to work things out. If I would have known she was going to come back, I would have never left," Derek said brushing his hand through his hair.

Aaron didn't exactly understand what Derek was saying, but he figured it was just a piece of the messed up puzzle that is Derek's life. "What I think I'm hearing is that if you could go back in time, you'd fix things with Meredith and never had met McKenzie." Derek didn't say anything. He just looked down at his hands guiltily, "That's not good, man," Aaron responded.

"I'd just never felt things like that before. She was amazing, I mean, she is amazing. Really," Derek said, "I still love McKenzie though, I really do."

They sat in silence for a few minutes and then Aaron stood up. He turned around and looked down at Derek, "If she's really as amazing as you say, are you really surprised that the second you let her go, someone else found her and found all of those amazing things?"

"I didn't want to let her go though. I only let her go because I thought she wanted me to," Derek said sadly.

"Sometimes you just have to fight for the things you want, no matter what anyone else wants," Aaron said before turning and leaving Derek alone.

A few minutes passed and the phone rang. Derek looked at the caller-id and it said home. He picked up his phone and turned it off before throwing it across the room, letting it smash in a million pieces before him.

* * *

Meredith heard a knock on her door. She rolled her eyes and wiped her tears, "Derek, just go the hell away!" 

"Mer, it's not Derek."

Meredith immediately jumped up from her bed and opened the door, "Sorry."

'It's all right," Ryan said as he smiled and walked into his room. "Jeez, the hospital must be cheap. Your room is much nicer then mine."

Meredith smiled as she closed the door. She was happy that he wasn't bombarding her with questions and was just being the normal Ryan. "I don't think we need two rooms."

"Oh, really?" Ryan said as he walked over to Meredith and wrapped his arms loosely around her waist.

"Yes, really," she said with a giggle in her voice as she placed her arms comfortably around his neck.

Ryan bent down and placed his head on Meredith's forehead, "I missed you," he said sweetly.

Meredith smiled. She felt so relaxed and happy in his arms. She felt safe. "I missed you too. That's why I came," she said.

"I'm glad you did," Ryan said before kissing her, happy that he could still claim her as his.

* * *

**Monday June 10, 2013-2am**

Meredith woke up with a smile on her face. She looked at the small alarm clock and saw that it was two in the morning. She felt Ryan's grasp on her body, but slowly inched her way out of it and out of the bed. She walked over to the mini fridge and realized that she'd already ran out of her small supply of beverages.

She looked over to Ryan who was asleep soundly and smiled at him. She grabbed the white fluffy robe out of the bathroom and wrapped it around her naked body. She walked back into the dark room and grabbed a few dollars out of her purse and her key card, slipping them into the pocket of the robe. She slipped on a pair of flip-flops and took one more look at Ryan before walking out of the room.

She headed down the hallway, towards a small room that held washing machines and vending machines. She put in a dollar and pressed for a bottle of water. The small screen said 'vending' but it didn't make a sound and Meredith began to think that it wasn't going to give her anything.

She looked around the small room as she waited, seeing the many washer and dryers around the room. She heard something to the right of her and quickly turned around and looked towards the door. "Oh," she said quietly before looking back at the vending machine that dropped her bottle.

"Hi," Derek said quietly, walking over to his own machine and putting some money in for his own drink.

Meredith pressed the water button again, getting one for Ryan this time, knowing he'd probably wake up while she was gone. He usually never slept through the night without her.

"Can't sleep?" Derek asked, hoping to start a civil conversation.

"No, just thirsty. You?" Meredith asked looking over her shoulder.

"Same. And hungry," Derek said grabbing his drink and then pressing a button for some chips.

"Soda and chips at two in the morning? Doesn't seem like something you'd usually do," Meredith said as she pulled out the second bottle of water and placed it on the counter next to the first.

Derek smiled, "I guess it is a little strange," he said before looking over at Meredith who had moved over to her own candy machine, "But look at you. You just picked snickers and I swear I see m&ms in there. I don't think I've ever seen you chose anything over m&ms."

"Don't worry, I'm getting my m&ms. The snickers is for Ryan," Meredith said, her voice becoming quieter as she finished the sentence. For some reason it seemed a little weird to mention Ryan in front of Derek.

A silence unfolded between the two. They both stared at their own vending machines, both already having purchased their items, but not wanting to walk away. Not again. Derek looked down and then over at Meredith. Underneath her robe, he still could picture her body perfectly. He knew that was wrong, after all he was married, but he couldn't help it. He made himself look away and focus on the chips he was holding. Sour cream and onion. Her favorite. "You know, I've known Ryan forever."

"So I've been told."

"He'll take good care of you," Derek said looking back at Meredith, "That's good."

Meredith turned around and for the first time since they'd been in the room together, she locked eyes with him. "Yeah, that is," she said. For some reason she felt sad. She couldn't really figure out why.

"This is incredibly sad," Derek said taking the words out of her mind.

"Yeah, it is," she said swallowing hard.

"When I said that we'd meet again one day, I didn't mean for it to happen like this," Derek said, unable to remove his eyes from her.

"I know," she said, "That's just the way things work out sometimes."

Derek sighed and looked down towards the ground. "Yeah, I guess it is."

Meredith looked at him and waited for him to look back up at her. When he did, emotions hit her hard and fast. She wasn't expecting it at all. She turned around and grabbed her items off the counter before looking back at Derek, "Goodnight, Derek."

"Night, Mer," Derek said barely above a whisper, still knowing that she heard him.

* * *

_Meredith turned the corner of the airport. She couldn't believe that her Aunt decided to move to Los Angeles. Who moves from Boston after living there their entire life to Los Angeles? True her children all lived in California, but in Meredith's opinion, Boston beat Los Angeles any day._

_She grabbed her cell phone out of her bag and quickly called her Aunt. She had forgotten to tell her what time she'd be getting in and she obviously needed someone to pick her up. She'd never been to Los Angeles before._

_She pulled her bag on wheels behind her as she put the phone up to her ear and made her way through the airport._

_"Hello?"_

_"Hey, Aunt Hil. Sorry I forgot to call you last night. My flight just arrived," Meredith said in to the phone._

_"Really? Good! Your Uncle is already on his way. He should be there really soon if not already."_

_Meredith listened to her Aunt as she stopped at a fast food place and got in line. She was seriously hungry and knew that her Aunt wasn't going to let her spoil her appetite for dinner once she got there. _

_"I'm so excited that you are here," her Aunt continued, "I was beginning to think you forgot about me. I haven't seen you since you left Boston a year ago!"_

_Meredith turned her head instinctively as she heard a familiar face at the coffee shop next door. Her eyes immediately met the back of a man with dark brown hair._

_"Mer? Meredith?"_

_Meredith lost her spot in line and walked a little closer to the coffee shop. He turned around and looked in her direction, but didn't see her. She recognized him instantly. It was him. He was right in front of her._

_"Meredith!"_

_"Oh, sorry," Meredith said looking away for a moment, "What were you saying again?"_

_"I was just talking about how I haven't seen you in forever!"_

_Once her Aunt started talking again, Meredith looked back up, but he was gone. She looked around frantically for a few minutes, but couldn't find him. He was gone._

_

* * *

_

The vending machine scene is probably one my favorite scenes ever. When Meredith left the first time, she didn' t say goodbye to anyone, not even Derek. And Derek didn't say goodbye to her except in a letter, which honsetly isn't much. They've been seperated for eight years and it seems like they've both moved on, but neither of them had recieved that closure. They held on to the hopes that they'd see each other again. When Meredith saw him in the airport, it only made her belief his words even more. She kept thinking that fate would bring them together again. But neither of them pictured it to happen this way. When they're getting their midnight or 2 am, rather, snacks, it hits them. This dream they've both held onto isn't a reality. The reality of the situation is that Meredith has been dating a man for five years and Derek's married. Just because fate brought them together, none of that disappears. Things aren't just perfect and life doesn't let them fall back into each other's arms. They realize that this is the time that they can use to say goodbye. The can recieve that closure that they deserve even if they both want to keep holding on to the dream. Afterall, who wants to give up on a fairytale? The sucky thing about life is that reality will catch up with you and it caught up with them.


	10. Your Secrets Are Out: Chapter 9

_Well this is the last Chapter of Part 1. Just so you know, the small italized piece is some lyrics. Enjoy!_**

* * *

**

**Part 1:Your Secrets Are Out  
Chapter 9:**

**Monday June 10, 2013**

Meredith woke up and saw the bright light coming in from the large window. The bathroom door opened and Ryan walked out with a towel around his waist and steam following him. He saw her open eyes and walked over to her side. He bent down and kissed her lightly, "Morning."

"Morning," Meredith said distantly as she sat up.

"Thanks for the snickers," he said with a little laugh.

"I woke up in the middle of the night so I thought I'd get some candy," Meredith said for her explanation, "You done with the shower?"

"Yup," Ryan said as he bit into his candy bar.

"Okay, I'm going to go take one then," Meredith said as she walked into the bathroom.

The room was full with steam and the mirror was hazed. She turned on the water and it was instantly the perfect temperature. She stepped in and tried to wash the memories of him off her. She hadn't thought about them in a long time.

That was the day she saw Derek after he left her. It was a year after he had left her, but she had still been recovering. She had figured he was right, they would see each other again. It was fate. But when he didn't see her, she figured she'd cheated fate.

Thinking back to last night's candy run at two in the morning, Meredith decided something. Fate isn't something you can cheat.

_This is more than a stance  
__This is more than me opinionating  
__This is more than chance  
__This is more than a passing feeling that I've had  
__And even though I can't know for sure  
__There's something burning deep inside  
_

_That I'm not ready to ignore

* * *

_

"What are you doing?" Ryan asked as he saw Meredith rush to get ready.

"I have to fix something," Meredith said as she pulled her wet hair into a loose ponytail.

"Care to fill me in?" Ryan asked sitting down on the bed.

"I can't," she said as she pulled her shirt on. "Just wait here for me. I'll be back in like ten minutes, I swear."

Ryan didn't look very convinced. She walked over to him and gave him just enough of a kiss to want more. She pulled away and smiled at him, "I love you."

"Love you too, Mer. I'm counting down," he said as she walked out the door.

"Okay," she said as the door shut behind her. She looked down the empty hall and turned towards Derek's room. She stopped in front of the door and waited, pulling herself together.

When she decided she was ready, she knocked on the door, but didn't receive a response. She knocked a little louder, but once again received nothing. Becoming a little concerned, she walked down the hall to the room they met in last night but it was empty.

She continued her journey and made it to the elevator and went downstairs. She walked over to the continental breakfast, but didn't find Derek. Instead she found Aaron. "Aaron? Have you seen Derek anywhere?"

"Oh, good morning Meredith," Aaron said surprised that she was downstairs alone, "Have you met my wife? Jane this is Meredith, Ryan's girl."

"Oh, hello," Jane said shaking Meredith's hand, "I've heard so much about you."

"It's nice to meet you," Meredith said, trying to hide her anxiousness.

"You were asking about Derek?" Aaron asked, getting back on topic. "I believe his flight left early this morning. Why?"

"Oh nothing important. I can just call him sometime," Meredith said faking her way through the conversation. "It was nice to meet you though. Hopefully I'll be seeing you all soon."

"Yes, and good luck with Ryan," Jane said.

"Thank you," Meredith said before walking back towards the elevator. She got inside and leaned against the elevator wall. Who was she kidding? It was the same as it was last time. He has a wife. And she has a boyfriend; a serious boyfriend that she's been dating for years.

Her mind went back to his letter._ "I know one day, no matter what we do, fate will step in. That's the way life works. Despite all our best interests, fate will win. I'll meet you again and I'll fall for you all over again. It won't make a difference if it's tomorrow, two days from tomorrow, or ten years from tomorrow. Nothing is going to change that." _Apparently he was right that fate would step in, but he was wrong about everything else. Maybe seeing each other was all that fate had in store for them. That was it.

* * *

"Less then ten minutes. Impressive," Ryan joked as Meredith walked back in. Immediately he could tell that her mood had changed. "Everything fixed?"

"Sure," she said as she pulled off her shoes.

"You okay?" Ryan asked.

Meredith walked over to his where he was seat on the bed and sat down next to him. "Yeah, I'm okay."

"You sure?" Ryan asked, knowing when she was lying.

"Yeah, I'm sure," she said quietly.

"Okay," Ryan said taking her in his arms, "I think you need this vacation just as much as I do."

"Yeah," Meredith said, a tear escaping her eye.

* * *

_Yeah, Meredith was going to go to Derek and yeah Derek left. I'm not sure and I'm not sure even Meredith (you know, if she was actually real) knew what she was going to do when she knocked on Derek's door. She just realized that she can't cheat fate. They found each other and they were supposed to fall in love again. That was what Derek's letter had promised her all those years ago. But once again, reality sucks. Derek didn't want to sit around any longer and watch Meredith be with Ryan. He couldn't handle it. So he left. Life really does suck, doesn't it?_


	11. Can't Let You Go: Chapter 10

_Sorry guys! I meant to get this up this morning before school, but my Dad started yelling at me and well, I couldn't do it. Thank you all for your wonderful comments! And for those of you worried about Meredith and Derek: trust me, I'm a serious Mer/Der fan. My stories may not always reflect it at the beginning, but trust me, I am! Well, New York City is over so back to Seattle. I hope you enjoy!_

* * *

**Part 2: Can't Let You Go  
Chapter 10:  
**

**Thursday June 13, 2013-**

"Derek? You home?"

"Yeah," Derek hollered from his upstairs office.

His wife hurried up the stairs and found him, "Hey, honey. How was your day?" she asked standing in the doorway.

"Fine," Derek muttered as he looked through a few papers.

"You sure? You've been acting weird lately," she said as she walked over to his chair.

"I have to go to Seattle," Derek finally said, "Richard Webber has been calling me since I left for the conference, wanting me on a consult."

"Richard? We haven't seen him in awhile. When are you leaving?" she asked.

Derek was surprised how comfortable she was with this. Granted, she didn't know whom he'd be working with and even if she knew the name Ryan Dawson, she wouldn't have any idea what it meant. "Tomorrow morning."

"That quick?" she asked as she began to massage his tense shoulder muscles.

"Yeah. I shouldn't be gone for too long," Derek said relaxing a little and leaning back into the chair.

"You've been working too hard. Either that or there is something on your mind."

"Just working hard," Derek said, deciding that he didn't want her to be pushing him for details.

"I'm going to miss you. You've only been home since Monday and now you are already leaving," she said focusing back on his muscles.

"I'm sorry," Derek said honestly.

"Don't be. I understand that the rest of the world needs a piece of my husband too," she said smiling.

* * *

**Friday June 14, 2013**

Derek drove up to Seattle Grace and literally felt them memories coming back to him. He turned off his car and sat back in his seat, taking it all in. He looked down at his brief case, knowing he should pick it up and go inside. His thoughts were interrupted by a familiar laugh. He looked up and smiled as he watched Meredith get out of her car, laughing, and close the passenger door of her obviously new Jeep.

Derek put his hand on the door, ready to go over and talk to her, but he stopped abruptly. He watched as a man's hands sneaked around her waist, pushing her against the car and pulling his own body against her own. Her arms wrapped around his neck as she giggled before he cut her off with his lips against hers.

Derek looked down at his wedding ring and decided that he had to accept what fate gave him. Even if that meant watching Meredith kiss another man and then walk into work holding his hand, obviously not caring who was watching.

* * *

**Friday June 14, 2013**

"Oh god, why are you so happy?" Cristina asked, annoyed as Meredith walked over towards the nurse's station.

"No reason," she replied lightly as she grabbed a chart.

"She got laid, Yang," Alex said, jumping into the conversation from the other side of the nurse's station.

"She lives with the guy. She gets laid every night," Cristina responded.

"Can we talk about something other than my sex life?" Meredith asked casually as she flipped through the pages of the chart.

"No, not sense you decided to be the dirty mistress again," Cristina said.

"Dirty? Dirty, dirty?" Alex asked, now much more interested.

"I'm not a dirty anything," Meredith said eyeing Alex, "Besides, I'm at work. My personal life has nothing to do with work."

"Yeah, right," Cristina said before looking back down at the papers before her, knowing Meredith had walked away.

* * *

**Friday June 14, 2013**

Derek walked in and immediately went up to the Chief's office. He knew he should be saying hello to the people he worked with for a little over a year, but he didn't want to take the chance of seeing Ryan or Meredith. Better yet, Ryan and Meredith together.

As he reached the office, he was asked to sit a wait a few minutes before going in. When he finally did, he was greeted by Richard's strong voice and shaking hand, "Welcome back, Derek."

Derek smiled, "I'm not back, I'm here for the consult, but thanks anyways."

"Well, still. I'm glad you are here," Richard said, surprisingly nicely considering the way Derek had left, "Now, take a seat. We need to talk."

Derek did as he was told and then took the case file that Richard handed him. He looked at it for a few minutes and then looked up at Richard's expectant face. "I had a case like this before I left Seattle. The patient didn't make it."

"I know, but the technology has improved and this patient doesn't have a complicated medical background. She has much more chance," Richard answered.

"Now how does your head of neurosurgery feel about you calling in someone else for a case that could get him published?"

"I'm the Chief, I make the decisions. We both know that you cannot complete this operation by yourself. I've assigned Dr. Dawson to work with you. I believe you two know each other," Richard said.

Derek sighed, "I'd rather not work with Dr. Dawson on this case. We have conflicting personal issues that may get in the way."

"I've been told you two have been friends for years," Richard said, a little confused.

"We were friends. But now things are complicated and they may get in the way," Derek responded, repeating his reason.

"You two are grown men. Get past it or just don't look at each other in the OR," Richard said, his confusion clearing into annoyance.

"I can't do that."

Richard sat back for a moment and thought. He then leaned back towards his desk and placed his elbows down, rubbing his hands together, "You know about him and Meredith, don't you?"

"That is besides the point," Derek stated forcefully.

"Keep your personal life away from the job, Shepherd."

"That is precisely what I am trying to do. Now assign another surgeon to work below me or I'm walking out," Derek said, making sure he added the 'below me' part.

"My attendings are either too swamped or arrogant to work 'below you.' The next best thing would be Dr. Grey, but I am not about to force her into that situation," Richard said, responding equally as firmly.

"You don't think she can separate her personal life from her professional life?" Derek asked, accusingly.

"I feel very confident in that she could and would, but you can't. You've obviously yet to realize that you no longer control her personal life. Tomorrow, you will begin working on this case with Dr. Dawson. Don't think about punching him. I will not have surgeons punching out other surgeons on my surgical floor. Never again. Leave Meredith alone while you are here or I will make sure that you will. Deal with the choices you make for yourself, Shepherd."

Derek didn't respond. He was surprised by the Chief's angry response.

"Shepherd, get out of my office," Richard said after staring at Derek's motionless body for two minutes.

* * *

**Friday June 14, 2013**

"Okay, seriously? You are all atwitter with love. It's scary the patients," Cristina said.

"Have you ever thought that maybe your evil sarcasm scares the patients?" Meredith asked, not letting Cristina drag her down.

"It doesn't. Gives them will to live. They think if they get better they could kick my ass," Cristina said as she stood, leaning against the white wall, waiting for test results.

"I guess you could look at it that way," Meredith said as she placed down a paper for her own patient's tests and leaned against the wall next to Cristina.

"Why are you being so agreeable?"

"Why are you asking me so many questions?" Meredith shot back, a huge smile on her face.

"Why aren't you answering them?"

"Stop asking me questions." Apparently Meredith found humor in all of this, annoying Cristina even more.

"Fine. Statements," Cristina said as she pushed her body off the wall, "You slept with McDreamy."

"No I didn't," Meredith said confidently enough that Cristina could tell she wasn't lying. After all, anyone could read straight through Meredith's lies.

"Then what the hell did lover boy do to make you so happy?" Cristina asked.

"That would be a question," Meredith said before pushing herself off the wall as well and heading down the hallway.

"Someone paged me?" Cristina said walking over to the nurse's station; annoyed that she'd been interrupted when she was in the middle of giving her patient 'a will to live.'

"Yes, actually. Dr. Shepherd has been looking for you," the nurse said.

Cristina hadn't seen this nurse before and that obviously meant it was her first day. Her first day and already Cristina didn't like her. "There hasn't been a Dr. Shepherd at this hospital in years," she responded.

"He's here on a consult. He's been looking for you," she said.

"Why the hell would he be looking for me?"

"I.. umm-"

"I wasn't talking to you," Cristina shot back before turning away from the nurse's station, wondering if she was actually going to make herself see him.

* * *

**Friday June 14, 2013**

Derek sat down in his temporary office, unimpressed with the way it looked. It was the office they always gave to surgeons here on consults. It was relatively ugly and desperately needed to be updated, but the hospital really didn't care. He remembered his old office: big, organized, sleek, and clean. It had been everything that this wasn't.

He turned on the old desk lamp and opened the file again; trying to make sure he knew this case inside and out. After all, mistakes weren't allowed. He turned the first page, his eyes focusing on the second as his door opened.

He felt his heart skip a beat, praying for Meredith to be walking through that door. He didn't even care if she walked in by accident or actually because she wanted to see him. He just wanted to see her.

As his eyes focused on the door, the blue scrubs he found didn't belong to Meredith. The door slammed shut and Derek looked up at Cristina's face. She was mad. Very mad. That wasn't something you could miss when it came to Cristina.

"Dr. Yang, I paged-"

"Cut the professional crap. Why the hell are you in Seattle?" Cristina asked with one hand on her hip and the other one absently brushing up against the side of the desk.

"Dr. Webber had a case he wanted me on," Derek responded, trying to make sure it sounded believable.

"Oh so that little kiss you and Meredith shared in New York had nothing to do with your decision to come out here?" Cristina asked accusingly, not really caring what he would come up with for an answer. She knew the truth already.

"This is professional only. We've both moved on, haven't we?" Derek asked.

"Fine," Cristina said sounding defeated, but the look in her eyes told him that she wasn't done. She wasn't giving up.

"Now, back to business," Derek said standing up from his desk. "I went ahead and made a copy of this case for you. I want you on it. It's going to be very complicated and trying, but I think you will be amazed at what you can do."

"You are putting me on this?" Cristina asked surprised as she read the description of the surgery.

"Yes, and if you work well, I am sure there is a part of the surgery you can complete yourself," Derek answered smiling.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously," Derek said with a nod. He had won her over. Surgery was the only way to do that. He figured having Cristina on his side would come in handy eventually.


	12. Can't Let You Go: Chapter 11

_You guys wanted Meredith and Derek to see each other, right? Yeah, well, just remember that you asked for it..._**  
**

* * *

**Friday June 14, 2013**

Derek turned off the light and looked at his watch. It was eight o'clock and he'd barely left his makeshift office all day. He had decided he wasn't ready to see Meredith. Not yet. He was married after all. And he was a little mad at her. Not because she'd done anything wrong, but just because she'd moved on. He didn't have a right to be upset and anyone else listening to the train of thought in his mind would think he was crazy, but he was still upset.

He placed the file in his brief case and picked it up, ready to leave. He walked out to his car and stopped at the door. He looked around, feeling the familiar Seattle wind and smelling the air. He loved Seattle and as he had almost every day, he wondered why he ever left.

He looked around and his eyes immediately hit the neon lights of his favorite bar. He dropped his brief case into his car and made his way across the street, taking his time to look around and fill in the missing pieces of his memory.

He pushed open the door, acknowledging the bell that he'd rung so many times before. He made his way over to the bar with a smile upon his face and sat down. "Hey Joe," he said casually, as if he'd said it every other day for the last eight years.

"Shepherd? Is that you?" he asked, surprised at the man before his eyes. He made his way over to the side of the bar, "What brings you back here to Seattle?"

"Work," he said, his eyes deceiving him.

Joe understood what the truth was, but being a bartender for as long as he had been, he knew not to mention it. "What can I get for ya?"

"The same," Derek answered.

"So you don't really ever change, do you?" Joe joked as he made his drink.

"Not really."

"Good," Joe said as he handed the drink to Derek.

"Nice to see ya," Derek said before taking his drink over to a booth in the back and sitting down. He really needed to do something thinking and privacy was an essential for thinking.

After finishing his drink, he sat slumped over in the seat, absently playing with the bar nuts, his thoughts far from anything coherent. He wasn't drunk, but he sure felt like it. The ringing bell over the door, never caught his attention, after all, it had been ringing every once in awhile for last two hours. It was merely a background sound that his mind didn't feel like processing.

This time however, while his mind was busy elsewhere, a familiar sound broke through the shield he had made around himself. He looked up after hearing her laughter for the second time that day. Her smile was big and her hair caught the light beautifully. She had her friends at her side, but Derek was relieved to notice that Ryan wasn't there.

Derek hadn't seen her this happy in a long time. Even when she had been this happy, it usually didn't last very long. Something would happen, something always happened to her. Her life was hard, but right now, her life seemed simple and peaceful. Something he never felt that he had been able to give her.

She sat down at the bar with Izzie, Cristina, and Callie around her. Derek was surprised to see the woman that he'd only known as Dr. Torres, but he figured he'd missed a few things in eight years.

They ordered, but Derek didn't hear it. Still, the only thing registering in his mind was her laughter. He loved her laugh. It was perfect and beautiful to him; just like her. Derek watched as Joe handed them drinks, expecting to see shots of tequila all around. Cristina had been given a vodka tonic, while Callie had been handed a margarita. What surprised him the most was the glass of wine handed to Meredith.

He couldn't really remember the last time he saw Meredith with a glass of wine in her hand. She sipped it slowly, apparently not needing alcohol to shield her mind of any unhealed scars like she used to.

Derek knew his presence was unknown, but surprisingly enough, he was okay with that. He knew that if she knew he was here, she wouldn't be so relaxed, laughing with her friends. She'd be uptight, mad, angry. She'd be the things that Derek didn't want her to be. He was perfectly fine with just watching her from afar. Watching her be the Meredith he had fallen in love with forever ago.

Derek focused his eyes on her face and watched as she talked with her friends, the smile still on her face. He was so focused on her, that he couldn't even see Cristina and Callie anymore. Everything else in the bar was foggy and blurred. They were of less importance, so much less that his mind didn't even both to process them fully.

He watched as Meredith's smile suddenly disappeared and she jumped a little, before turning around. Then everything began to come back to his mind. He began to see straight and process every sound around him. He looked and saw Ryan's arms around Meredith; apparently he had scared her only seconds before. Soon Derek noticed George and Alex joining the group with their respective women.

Ryan pulled a bar stool over towards Meredith and sat close to her. He was perfectly comfortable, but even from the distance between them; Derek began to feel extremely uneasy. Now that his mind was functioning, he could hear their conversation perfectly. They called Joe over as Meredith grabbed Ryan's hand tightly and her smile grew.

"We have news," Meredith said smiling.

"Yes, we really do," Ryan added, not looking at anyone, but Meredith.

"I wanted to tell all of you together, that's why I've been avoiding you guys a little today. And your questions," Meredith said looking over at Cristina. "We had a really great time in New York and a lot of stuff happened, but now I'm sure everything is going to be perfectly fine."

"I asked Mer to marry me," Ryan said, rushing past all of the nonsense information. "And she said yes."

Meredith pulled the necklace out of her shirt that held the ring she'd been hiding. Ryan took it off and pulled the chain out of the beautiful ring. He took Meredith's hand and placed the ring on her one more time before kissing her proudly.

Her friends cheered and congratulated her, but by then, Derek's mind tuned them out again. He couldn't believe what he had just witnessed. It was definitely something he would have rather not seen or heard.

He sunk down in his seat a little and picked up some bar nuts. He began to throw them against the seat across from his, not caring how stupid he looked. He watched as they hit hard and then fell down, completely being forgotten by the rest of the world. Derek found it slightly symbolic.

* * *

**Friday June 14, 2013**

_Derek sighed. He was home. Well not really, he was in an airport, but he was in Los Angeles again. He really hated conferences. Well, honestly, this conference hadn't been all that bad while it lasted, but now it was bad. Now he had to deal with the consequences of what he did when he was supposed to be at the conference. He would have to face them when he went into work tomorrow and that was definitely not something he was looking forward to. Not at all._

_Derek grabbed the coffee that the lady placed down on the counter. "Will this be all?" the cashier asked as she scanned the items._

"_Yeah," he answered with a nod as he pulled his wallet out of his back pocket to pay for his items. _

_The cashier handed him his change and his receipt before he took his coffee over to the side counter and began adding some crème to it. _

"_I haven't seen you in forever."_

_Derek turned around and surprisingly saw a man he hadn't seen in years. "Dr. Lawrence?"_

"_Dr. Lawrence? Derek Shepherd, I don't think you even called me that when you worked for me," the old man said with a genuine smile._

"_Kevin, how have you been?" Derek asked as they shook hands._

"_Great actually. I heard you transferred to a hospital in Seattle about a year ago," he responded._

"_Well, I did, but then I moved down here," Derek said._

"_Los Angeles? You live here? I thought you hated New York. Isn't this worse?" he asked, his voice getting a little quieter at the end, hoping to not offend anyone._

"_I guess," Derek joked, "But Seattle just wasn't working."_

"_So you are at Los Angeles General?" Kevin asked._

_Derek opened his mouth to respond, but something caught his eye. He looked over towards the fast food place next door and couldn't believe his eyes. Meredith walked into it as she dialed a number on her cell phone, dragging a bag behind her._

_Kevin turned around and looked where Derek's eyes were stuck, "So, who's she?"_

"_What?" Derek asked, ripping himself from his trance._

"_That women. Who was she?"_

"_I have no idea what you are talking about," Derek said quickly. Trying to cover it all up._

"_You need to get some sleep," Kevin said sounding concerned._

"_Yeah, I do," he said completely agreeing._

"_I'll see you around, alright?" Kevin said._

"_Yeah."_

"_Bye, man," Kevin said before walking out of the coffee shop._

_Derek turned back into the direction of Meredith and saw her looking at him. He quickly moved his eyes and focused on a sign, trying to not make it obvious that he'd seen her. _

_Not knowing what else to do, he looked back down, but saw that her eyes were cast down. She was completely focused on the phone call. Deciding it was his only chance; Derek quickly grabbed his bag and hurried down the terminal. He just couldn't face her. Not now._

Derek woke up from his restless sleep exhausted with guilt. It was all consuming. The worst guilt in the world. He tried to shake it off, just like he had so many times before, but it never worked. He should have known that it wasn't going to. It never does 

_Welcome to the fall out  
Welcome to the resistance  
The tension is here  
Tension is here  
Between who you are and who you could be  
Between how it is and how it should be_

* * *

**Friday June 14, 2013**

"Whatcha thinking about?" Ryan asked as he walked into their bedroom.

"What?" Meredith asked, literally shaking a thought out of her mind as she became aware of his presence.

"You zoned out. You do that sometimes, ya know? More then you used to actually. You're usually surrounded by a memory or something. What was it this time?" Ryan asked as he lied down on the bed next to her.

"Just thinking about the day we met," Meredith said.

"Really? I don't think that day was all that important," Ryan said, staring at the ceiling as Meredith was.

Meredith's head turned and looked at him, "What?"

"I think the important day would be when you finally agreed to go out with me. What, a year after I asked you out originally?" Ryan said.

"You know, it's kind of sad to be after the same girl for a year when you barely knew her," Meredith said, her smile returning to her face.

"No, it's not sad. I just knew what I wanted," Ryan responded, turning his head to match her gaze. "Look what we wouldn't have if I hadn't been so persistent."

"You mean stubborn, right?" Meredith joked.

"No, I mean in love," he said before pulling her face closer to his and kissing her.

* * *

**Friday June 14, 2013**

"Was it just me or was Shepherd at the hospital today?" George asked as he sat down on the couch.

"Shepherd? Why are you bringing him up?" Izzie asked, a little annoyed.

"I swear I saw him today."

"You did," Cristina added, "And Meredith saw him in New York. And she kissed him."

"What? She didn't tell us!" Izzie said, surprised and little mad.

"She's only been back for a day," Callie said, "Give her a break."

"It doesn't matter. He's married," Cristina said simply.

"What? He divorced Addison!" Izzie said.

"Calm down, Barbie," Cristina said, annoyed by Izzie's reaction, "He got married again apparently."

"Ass," Izzie muttered under her breath.

"She's marrying Ryan though. I was just wondering what he was doing here," George said.

"Some case. He has me on it," Cristina added.

"So it has nothing to do with Meredith," George finished.

"Boys are stupid," Izzie said before standing up and walking out of Cristina's living room.


	13. Can't Let You Go: Chapter 12

_You all keep asking me about Meredith and Derek, but all I can say is keep reading. After all, if I tell you whether they're going to end up together or not, what would the point in reading the story be? Anyways, just keep reading. I really like you will enjoy it!_

_RACHEL! I'm glad you're here!!!_**

* * *

**

**Saturday June 15, 2013**

"Hello, Mr. Hankerson. How are you feeling today?" Ryan asked checking in on his patient.

"Not any worse than usual," he said flatly.

"Well, hopefully we'll be able to make you feel better soon enough," Ryan said as he checked the chart in his hands. "Today you'll be meeting some more of your doctors. Dr. Yang and Dr. Shepherd should be here shortly to introduce themselves."

The door opened and Derek walked in. He looked up surprised to see Ryan. "Dr. Dawson," he nodded, trying to be polite. "How are you Mr. Hankerson?"

"More people have asked me that since I checked into this hospital than in the past ten years," he said, "But I'm doing fine."

"Morning Dr. Shepherd, Dr. Dawson," Cristina said as she walked in to the room, "We are going to have a group of interns in here in a minute. I figured we would need an intern during the surgery."

"Thank you, Dr. Yang," Ryan said, "This is Mr. Hankerson."

"Don't ask me how I'm feeling. These two already have," Mr. Hankerson said.

"Don't worry. I wasn't going to," Cristina said receiving disapproving looks from both Derek and Ryan.

Derek walked over to the monitor and began checking a few things as a group of doctors walked in. "Morning, Dr. Grey," Ryan said

"Okay, Who's presenting? Dr. Kline?" Meredith said, smiling at Ryan.

At the sound of her voice Derek turned around. She didn't even see him. She was too busy looking and listening to her intern, trying to keep her eyes off of Ryan with a huge smile on her face.

"This is Jake Hankerson, 41. He's presenting with vomiting and dizziness. CT scans show a large tumor is pressing up against his occipital lobe," a young blond answered.

"Now how should we proceed?" Meredith asked.

"Do MRI and another CT. Then await test results before proceeding in the surgery to attempt at removing the tumor," she finished.

"Good," Meredith said.

"Welcome to the case, Dr. Kline," Derek said.

Meredith turned around quickly as most of her color drained. She locked eyes with Derek for a moment and then looked away, "Come on, we need to finish rounds," she said to her interns before turning towards the door.

"Good bye, Dr. Grey," Ryan said, confused by what had happened.

Meredith didn't respond. She just hurried out of the room and quickly gave the rest of her interns their tasks so she could be alone. She needed to be alone. Well, first she needed to find Cristina. She began to suspect that Cristina had something to do with the set up in there. Then she needed to find Derek and figure out what the hell he was doing in Seattle.

* * *

**Saturday June 15, 2013**

Meredith walked into her home that night exhausted. She'd been rushed from one surgery to another, making it impossible for her to find Cristina or Derek. She was kind of upset when she found out Ryan already left, but then again relieved when she saw his car in the driveway, meaning they'd have another night together.

She made her way up the house, dropping everything the second she walked through the door. She figured she should pick up her coat and place it in the closet or at least push everything out of the way, but she honestly didn't care. She was too tired to care.

She slowly made her way upstairs and found Ryan lying on the bed, fully dressed, looking like he'd just collapsed there. She didn't even have enough energy to smile at him. She just collapsed next to him. Wishing that she had thought enough to turn off the bright light.

"I've been thinking," Ryan said breaking the silence.

"Really?" Meredith asked quietly, not caring too much about his response.

"I'm missing something," Ryan said before sitting up in the bed, "How long have you and Derek known each other?"

Meredith groaned a little and rolled over, shielding her eyes from the light, "Let me sleep."

"Meredith, we need to talk about this. We're getting married. We should talk about things," Ryan said.

"If I knew you were going to use that every time I tried to sleep, I would have said 'no,'" Meredith responded sarcastically as she rolled back over to look at Ryan who was bent over her.

"That was a little awkward today. It seems like it is always awkward whenever he's around."

"It's not awkward. I just," Meredith stopped herself, "I just don't want to talk about it. There is nothing to talk about. I knew Derek a long time ago. He's not even the same person anymore. It's not something either one of us should waste our time on."

"It's nothing?" Ryan asked.

"It's nothing," Meredith said before rolling back over, "Turn off the light."

Ryan sighed. Meredith was tired and he couldn't blame her for not wanting to talk about her past. After all, he knew that when he found her, she was heart broken and he promised to never ask her about it. He didn't want to come close to breaking that promise.

* * *

**Sunday June 16, 2013**

"Grey?"

"Yes?" Meredith asked as she turned around.

"The Chief has put you on the Hankerson case," Bailey said handing her the file.

"What? Cristina was on that," Meredith said as she began to look at the case file.

"Yang called in sick."

Meredith looked at Bailey doubtfully, "Cristina? Cristina Yang called in sick?"

"No, Burke did for her. He's making her stay in bed. A little food poisoning," Bailey answered, "Anyways, you are on the case."

"I'm on the case? With my intern, my fiancé, and my ex-boyfriend?" Meredith asked, her face showing her conflicting feelings.

"Don't look at me for help. You've made your life the way it is," Bailey said before walking away, almost amused by the situation.

* * *

**Sunday June 16, 2013**

Meredith walked into Ryan's office without knocking just like she had so many times before. Only this time, instead of finding Ryan sitting behind his desk, Derek was sitting on the couch with a few books open.

"Oh," Meredith said as she looked around the room self-consciously, "I was just looking for Ryan."

"Your fiancé?" Derek asked accusingly.

"Yeah, my fiancé," Meredith answered, suddenly not feeling so great about that.

"Oh, well, he just went downstairs to check on Mr. Hankerson. He should be back up here soon. You can wait if you'd like," Derek said gesturing to the empty chairs in the room.

Meredith nodded and took the seat behind Ryan's desk. It was a comfortable leather chair that she'd always steal from him when they were in there together. Or when she was alone, she'd sit there and take in his scent. Today it didn't seem as comforting. It felt awkward.

She sat on the edge of the seat with her hands in her lap. Her fingers were slowly hitting her legs in a rhythmic pattern. She kept her eyes on the opposite wall from where Derek was, to make sure she wouldn't be caught looking at him.

Derek put one of the books down on the coffee table and sat back on the couch. He watched Meredith, slightly entertained with her nervous antics. He crossed his arms and sighed, "Are you always like this nowadays?"

Meredith jumped a little at his voice before turning her head to look at him. Her fear was written all over her face, "Like what?"

"Fidgety," Derek answered.

"I'm not fidgety," Meredith said defensively.

"Yes, you are very fidgety."

"No I am," Meredith cut herself off. She took a deep breath and looked back at Derek, "I'm not going to fight with you."

"I didn't want you to fight with me."

"Good," she said looking away.

"Good," he answered with a smile on his face.

"Stop smiling," she spat out.

"You aren't even looking at me. How would you know if I was smiling?" Derek asked, still smiling.

"Because I know you. You think this is funny. So you are smiling," she said turning towards him, "See! You are!"

"I think you are starting to fight with me again."

Meredith's eyes narrowed, glaring at him. "Shut up," she said before looking away.

Derek chuckled to himself before picking his book up again, "Nice to see you too, Mer."

* * *

**Sunday June 16, 2013**

"You haven't moved in an hour, " Derek commented, finally closing the book.

"I wasn't expecting to be sitting here for an hour," Meredith said, her eyes averted from his.

"I wasn't expecting you to either," Derek said.

"Why are you here?" Meredith asked, changing the subject and finally looking at him again.

"Because Webber has been calling me since before I left for the conference in New York about this case," Derek answered.

"So it has absolutely nothing to do with me?" Meredith asked.

Derek stood up, "That's a little self-absorbed isn't it, Dr. Grey?" Derek smiled at her and then walked out of the office, leaving her all alone, almost craving more.


	14. Can't Let You Go: Chapter 13

_Things are about to complicated..._

* * *

"Derek, have you seen Meredith at all?" Ryan asked after running up to Derek. 

"Yeah, she's been waiting for you in your office for over an hour," Derek said.

"Shit," Ryan mumbled under his breath, "I just got called into emergency surgery. Mr. Hankerson isn't doing very well. You should go down there. And make sure everything is okay with Meredith for me, okay?"

"Sure," Derek answered before Ryan took off for the OR. Derek thought seriously for a moment about just going back into the office and having his way with Meredith right then and there, but he also knew that not only would Ryan beat the crap out of him, Meredith would, so he decided to just do what he was supposed to.

He headed downstairs and found Mr. Hankerson doing just fine. His stats were good, surprisingly good actually, so Derek headed back upstairs. When he walked back into the office, he found Meredith, looking as though she still hadn't moved.

"You're back." It was more of a statement then a question of any sort and she didn't seem thrilled by it at all.

"Yes, I am," Derek said happily, trying to lighten the mood.

"Alone?" this time it actually was a question.

"Yes, alone," Derek said before sitting down. He knew that that didn't answer the question good enough for her, "Ryan got called into surgery."

"Oh, well then, I'm gonna go," Meredith said as she stood up and headed towards the door.

"Meredith, wait," Derek said desperately. It came out much more desperately than he had planned or hoped for actually.

"Wait? Wait for what? I waited for a year," Meredith said shaking her head.

Derek looked up at her, pure desire in his eyes. She tried to pretend like she couldn't see it, but it was all too evident. "Let's, let's just be friends, alright? I'm not going to be here for that long anyways."

"Friends? We tried friends before. We can't be friends," Meredith said before turning and walking out of the room.

Derek sat there for a few minutes in silence, not moving. Okay, maybe the whole thing with Meredith didn't go so great the second time. At least he could admit it. That was progress, right? Okay, not really. Now he needed to come up with something, anything, to at least get her talking to him again.

Derek stood up and decided what he was going to do. It wasn't much, but it was all he got. He left the office and made sure that Meredith went up to the gallery like he expected before heading downstairs to the cafeteria.

* * *

**Sunday June 16, 2013**

Meredith sat in the gallery alone, watching Ryan's surgery. The hospital was ridiculously busy today; everyone was, except for her of course. The only patient she was responsible for was Mr. Hankerson and he was doing just fine. Apparently, watching Ryan's surgery was the only thing she really could do.

About thirty minutes into the surgery, Meredith began to get a feeling that someone was watching her. She looked towards the left of the glass and saw Derek's reflection on it. He was leaning against the doorframe, his eyes on her.

"What? Are you just going to stand there all day?" Meredith asked, almost surprised that she was happy to see him.

"Not all day. Just until you noticed I was there," he said as he walked over to her and took the empty seat next to her. "Hungry?"

Meredith looked at him, "You don't have any food."

"Actually," he said as he dug his hand into his lab coat, "I thought you might like these."

Meredith smiled, "You bought me m&m's?"

"Well I hear the m&m's tend to help guys who have been assholes," Derek said as he handed the candy to her and she opened it.

"Really?"

"Yeah," Derek said as he crossed his arms and propped his feet against the glass wall like she had, "And I think I need all the help I can get."

"You do?" she asked as she popped a few chocolates into her mouth.

"Yeah."

"You know, I'm getting married," she said.

"I know," Derek said, not able to look at her as the subject changed.

"Just friends?" Meredith asked after a few moments passed.

"Just friends," Derek said looking at her again.

"Okay," she said smiling.

* * *

**Sunday June 16, 2013**

_"Grey, you are with Dr. Dawson today," Bailey said after Meredith suggested the course of treatment during rounds. Meredith and the new neuro attending walked out of the patient's room following Bailey and the rest of the interns. _

"_Oh, so you are the Dr. Grey that I've been warned about?" Dr. Dawson said once Bailey and everyone else had made their way down the hall._

_"Warned?" Meredith asked, raising her eyes brows._

_"Yes, warned," Dr. Dawson said taking a few steps closer to her._

_"Really?" Meredith asked a little giggle in her voice. _

_"Yes, I've been told to watch out of you. Apparently you like to fall in love with unexpecting neurosurgeons."_

_"I do?" Meredith asked, trying to find humor in that last part. _

_"Do you only ask questions?" Dr. Dawson asked her seriously._

_"Do I?"_

_"If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were flirting with me," he said once again getting closer to her. _

_"Oh really?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Interesting," Meredith said lightly as if she could care less. _

_"Do you think you could answer a question for me?"_

_"Could I?"_

_"What are you doing, say Friday night?" he asked boldly._

_"Busy," she said quickly._

_"Are you just saying that or are you really?"_

_"Hmm, I don't know," Meredith answered, enjoying the flirty conversation. _

_"You think you're cute, don't you?"_

_"Maybe."_

_"Well, I think you should go out with me Friday night."_

_"You know what I think? I think unexpecting interns should be warned about neurosurgeons that don't know when to give up," Meredith said before turning down the hall and walking away. The entire time, she was well aware of the fact that his eyes never left her retreating figure._

Ryan put himself back into the present as he walked into the OR. He looked up and saw Meredith watching him. He smiled at her and then began the surgery. His mind drifted from memory to memory of him and Meredith just like it always did the OR.

The surgery was going pretty well and half way through he looked up at Meredith, expecting to meet her warming smile. Instead he found her facing Derek. They were both laughing and she was throwing an m&m at him, which he caught and threw back at her.

Ryan instantly felt uncomfortable, but he wasn't even sure why. All he knew was that he was still missing a piece of the puzzle and he needed to figure things out.

Ryan took one more look at Meredith. He looked at her smile and then down to the diamond ring that was on her left hand. He smiled under his mask and got back to the surgery.

* * *

**Sunday June 16, 2013**

"Stop throwing things at me!" Meredith squealed during her giggle fit.

"You started it," Derek said, defending himself.

"That doesn't mean you get to throw them back at me!"

"Yes, it does," Derek said, sounding serious.

Meredith took a few moments to calm herself down and looked at the few m&ms that were thrown around the floor. She smiled a little before looking back up at Derek, "So, how long are you going to be here?"

"A week, maybe two. Depends on the case and if Webber gives me another one," Derek answered.

"Oh," Meredith said, realizing that this wasn't forever. He'd eventually have to go back home. "So, where are you staying?"

"A hotel not too far from the hospital," Derek answered before taking an m&m out of the bag.

"A hotel? I can't let you stay in a hotel for a week or two," Meredith said, pulling the bag away from him so he couldn't have anymore.

"Yes, actually you can," Derek said thinking back to the things he's done.

"No, I can't. We have an extra room. You can stay there," Meredith said.

Derek felt a little weird about being invited to stay in the house Meredith shared with Ryan, "No, I'm fine, really."

"Derek, you are staying with us. I'm serious. You aren't going to stay in some hotel for a week," Meredith said.

Derek decided it wasn't worth a fight, "Okay, but you should talk to Ryan about this first."

"He's fine. I promise."

* * *

**Sunday June 16, 2013**

"You invited Derek to live with us?" Ryan asked as he dropped the dirty dishes in the sink.

"Ryan, it's only for a week or so. We have this huge house and it's only the two of us. Besides, you two have been friends for years. Now you two can catch up," Meredith said, surprised at his reaction to the news.

"We got our own house so that we wouldn't have to deal with roommates. This is just beating the whole purpose of ever buying this house," Ryan said, his voice rising as he dropped the glasses in the sink.

"Ryan, you are going to break the glasses," Meredith said as she grabbed the last one from his hand and placed it down gently, "Why are you overreacting? This is only for a week. How does that beat the purpose of us moving in together? I was under the impression that we moved in together because we loved each other not because you wanted to get away from my friends!"

"Meredith-"

"No, don't Meredith me! If you can't live in this house while Derek is here then you can go stay in a hotel for all I care," Meredith yelled.

"Meredith, stop it. Fine, he can stay here. I just want to know what the hell is going on between you two."

Meredith's eyes narrowed, "Excuse you? Are you accusing me of something here?"

"I'm not accusing you of anything," Ryan said, deciding it was best to not yell, "I just want to know what happened between you two. In New York he was sitting outside your door all night and now you two are throwing m&ms at each other when you are supposed to be working."

"All that is in the past, Ryan," Meredith said, calming herself down as well, "We're just friends."

"Friends?"

"Friends," Meredith said reassuring both of them.

"Okay," Ryan said.

Meredith sighed, "I should have talked to you about it first. I'm sorry," Meredith said as she walked over to Ryan.

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a hug. "No, this is our house. Anyone who is friends with you is welcome here."


	15. Can't Let You Go: Chapter 14

**

* * *

**

_For those asking, I promise that all questions related to Addison will be answered. If they aren't completely clear, I will make them clearer! I promise! As for Mark, remember this fic only follows everything that happens on the show up to prom. So the entire 3rd season never happens in this world. So, Mark never came back or became part of their life after he left in season 2. I might bring him in later, but as of right now, Mark really has no point in this fic.  
_

* * *

**Sunday June 16, 2013**

Meredith sat on the couch watching the news, her eyes threatening to close. She was beyond tired, but didn't want to go to bed until Derek arrived. Just as she was about to give up, there was a knock on the door.

Meredith pulled herself off the couch as she turned off the television with a click of the remote. She turned off the living room light and walked into the foyer, seeing Derek's figure on the other side of the door. She smiled tiredly as she unlocked the door and let him in.

"Sorry I'm late. The Chief wanted to talk to me," Derek said as he carried his bag inside.

"It's alright," Meredith muttered through a yawn as she locked the door again.

"You're exhausted, aren't you?" Derek asked.

"Yeah. I was going to go to bed, but Ryan got called into work," Meredith said as she turned on the hall light, realizing he didn't know his way around.

_Sure I think about you now and then  
But it's been a long, long time  
I've got a good life now I've moved on  
So when you cross my mind_

As the light filled the small foyer, Derek looked up at Meredith. She was in a pair of sweats and a shirt. He'd seen her that way so many times before, but he swore she never looked so beautiful.

Her hair cascaded down her shoulders and back in messy wavy curls. She could feel his eyes on her and nervously began tapping the banister with her nails. "So," she said finally, pulling his eyes to her face, "I'll show you your room."

_I try not to think about  
What might have been  
'Cause that was then  
And we have taken different roads  
We can't go back again  
There's no use giving in  
And there's no way to know  
What might have been_

Meredith led Derek up the stairs and to a room down the hall. She opened the door and turned on the light. Derek was a little surprised to see her old bedroom furniture filling up what he figured was their guest room. He put his bag down on the bed and turned around to look at Meredith who was leaning against the doorframe, with her head cocked to the side. "Do you need anything?"

"No, I've got everything I need right now," Derek said with a hint of a smile on his lips. _  
_

"Okay," she said, standing up straight, "Well then I'm going to go to bed. If you do need anything, don't be afraid to ask. Night, Derek," she said turning around to leave.

"Mer," Derek said, cutting himself off before he even finished her name.

She stopped and turned around, her tired eyes meeting his, "Yeah?"

Derek sighed and walked over to the door, "I'm sorry."

_We could sit and talk about this all night long  
And wonder why we didn't last  
Yes they might be the best days  
We will ever know  
But we'll have to leave them in the past_

Meredith blinked a little, blaming her changing emotions on her lack of sleep. She took a deep breath, "I know, Derek. So am I."

Derek ran his fingers through his hair, searching for words that wouldn't come. He'd spent so many nights over the past eight years perfecting the conversation he would have with Meredith when he finally saw her again, but nothing seemed good enough at this point.

_So try not to think about  
What might have been  
'Cause that was then  
And we have taken different roads  
We can't go back again  
There's no use giving in  
And there's no way to know  
What might have been_

"Really, Mer. I just hope you can forgive me," Derek said taking a step towards her.

She didn't move. "I do forgive you," she said quietly, "We've both moved on with our lives. There's no reason for me to be mad at you."

Derek could see straight through the words she was saying. He took another step closer to her, leaving barely any space between them. Her eyes looked up at him full of questions. He looked down at her, taking in her scent and the familiarity of her body.

_That same old look in your eyes  
It's a beautiful night  
I'm so tempted to stay  
But too much time has gone by  
We should just say goodbye  
And turn and walk away_

"Mer…" he said barely above a whisper. His right hand caressed her cheek, pulling her face closer to his. As their lips ventured closer to one another, Meredith could feel herself shaking. She knew better than this. Right at the last moment, she pulled away and walked into the hallway.

She couldn't force herself to look at Derek with the tears that were threatening to fall. She took a deep breath with her back towards Derek, knowing that he was staring at her. Her body shook as the air penetrated through her lungs. "Friends, Derek."

_And try not to think about  
What might have been  
'Cause that was then  
And we have taken different roads  
We can't go back again  
There's no use giving in  
And there's no way to know  
What might have been_

Derek sighed and swallowed hard. "Friends." He saw her nod and then began to walk down the hall to what he figured was her bedroom. He waited until the door closed before walking back into his own room and closing the door behind him.

He looked around the room; it was almost a mirror image of the room in her old house. It almost hurt to be reminded of the room he spent so many nights in with her in his arms. Now she was down the hall, waiting for another man to put his arms around her.

_No we'll never know  
What might have been

* * *

_

"Meredith? Are you awake?" Ryan asked as he walked into his pitch-black room. He didn't expect her to be, but the sound of her sobs deceived his thoughts. He walked over to his bed and wrapped his arms around her shaking frame, "Baby, what's wrong? Did something happen?"

Meredith knew she had to respond. She couldn't just pretend like she was asleep, no matter how much she wanted to. She rolled over and looked at Ryan, racking her brain for some sort of explanation.

"Did Derek make you upset? Did he do something to you?" Ryan asked, getting madder by the second.

"No," Meredith said quickly, "Derek didn't do anything."

Maybe that was what was upsetting her. He didn't do anything. He tried, but he didn't try very hard. He just let her go. He let her go like he always had before.

"Then what happened?" Ryan asked.

"I'm just tired and we got into a fight," Meredith tried to explain, "Its just stress. It's nothing. I promise."

"If you promise," Ryan said before kissing her on the forehead.

Meredith smiled and rolled back over. She clutched onto her pillow as Ryan got changed and climbed back into bed, wrapping his arms around her, just like he always did.

* * *

_You guys probably want to kill me right now since I let them get so close, then pulled them apart. But it's been eight years. When Meredith said yes to Ryan, she thought she'd never see Derek again. You just have to think about all the emotions that Meredith has been through during the past eight years. All of the pain and loneliness. Why would you jump directly back into the arms of the man who caused all of that? Especially when there was a man waiting for you who was about to devote his whole life to you?_

_Anyways, the song is What Might Have Been by Little Texas. It's a sad, but great song that I completely love. I hope you guys are still enjoying the story! Please review!_


	16. Can't Let You Go: Chapter 15

**Monday June 17, 2013**

Derek woke up and freaked out a little when he realized he was in Meredith's bed. After his mind began functioning, he realized that it wasn't really Meredith's bed anymore and he was only there because she took pity on him. That was it. Nothing more there.

He pulled himself out of the bed and into the shower. After getting dressed, he ventured into the quiet hallway and down the stairs. He was a little surprised at how big the house was at first. He'd known Ryan forever, and Ryan was the kind of guy who could live in a studio apartment with four friends and be perfectly fine. He was pretty sloppy, didn't care what anything looked like, or much what any one thought of his lifestyle.

The house seemed completely different though. The house screamed Meredith. Derek knew that Ryan had all of these nice things for Meredith only. He was right when he told Meredith that Ryan would take care of her. He would and he obviously had been.

Derek could hear laughing and talking from what he figured was the kitchen. He really hadn't thought about the fact that Ryan would be here. He wasn't last night, but he would be now. He knew it was stupid, but he was really expecting to come downstairs and find Meredith alone. But as he opened the door, the laughing and talking stopped abruptly and two pairs of eyes followed Derek as he made his way over to the table.

Derek sat down and Meredith almost immediately stood up, "Coffee?" she asked nervously as she made her way over to the coffee maker. Derek nodded and she poured him a cup and fixed it before she even realized that she remembered the way he liked it. "We aren't really big breakfast people, but we have some museli if you want any."

"Sure, but I can get it," Derek said getting up, knowing she was about to offer to fix it for him.

"Okay," Meredith said handing him his coffee and quickly slipping off to the side of the kitchen. "Well, I need to get into work, so I'm going to go." Meredith looked nervously at the two men and then grabbed her coffee and almost ran out of the room.

Derek finished pouring milk into his breakfast and then walked over to the table. He sat back down and began to eat it silently. Ryan cleared his throat and fidgeted a little in his seat. Derek looked up and met Ryan's eyes. "Derek?"

"Yeah?" Derek asked placing his spoon down.

"Why is Meredith like that around you?" Ryan asked.

"What?" Derek asked. He wasn't expecting the conversation to turn towards Meredith. At least not that quickly.

"She's self-conscious around you. I don't get it. She won't tell me what is going on and now you are living in my house. I want to know what the hell is going on," Ryan said, staying calm, but being forceful.

"I told her I didn't need to stay here," Derek said, readying to get up.

"No. Meredith wants you here, so you are going to stay here. I just want to know why she wants you here."

Derek sighed. "Ryan, we've been friends for a long time. That's the only reason I'm going to tell you anything," Derek stopped and Ryan looked anxious, yet a little worried about what he might find out, "Meredith and I used to work together. We started dating, but it ended. It ended horribly and harshly. That's it."

"You're that guy aren't you?" Ryan asked, putting things together.

"What?"

"When I met Meredith, she told me she couldn't date because she was broken. She said someone broke her and she was too afraid of being broken again. You were that guy, weren't you?"

Derek stood up and picked up his dishes, bringing them over to the sink. "Ryan, all of that is in the past. None of it matters anymore."

* * *

**Monday June 17, 2013**

"Hello Mr. Hankerson. How are you doing today?" Meredith asked as she walked into her patient's room and looked over his vitals.

"Fine, but let's not talk about me. That's all anyone has talked to me about for the last month. I'm sick of it," he answered.

"I'm not sure there is much more for us to talk about," Meredith said with a smile before walking over and grabbing his chart.

"Fine, but we aren't talking about me being sick. That's out of the question," he stated.

"Okay," Meredith answered with a small laugh.

"Have you been able to reach my wife yet?" he asked.

"Your wife? She hasn't been called yet?" Meredith asked a little alarmed.

He sighed, "It's complicated, but her family knows where she is. I just want to see her, you know?"

"Are you and your wife divorced?" Meredith asked.

"No, we're not, but I think she'd like it better that way," he said, his voice changing as he got farther into the sentence.

Meredith looked at his saddened face, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I didn't appreciate her. I guess when you finally lose someone for real; you begin to realize how much they mattered to you. But I think if she did show up, I wouldn't ever be able to let her go again. So maybe it's better if she isn't notified."

* * *

**Monday June 17, 2013**

"Wait, so, McDreamy is living with you?" Cristina asked as she took a bite of a banana.

"He's not living with me. He's staying with me. Me and Ryan. There is a difference you know."

"So has he tried anything yet?" Cristina asked.

"No!" Meredith said quickly.

"He so has."

"Dude, two rich neurosurgeons want to do you. Take advantage of it. Don't push it away," Alex added.

"Shut up, Alex," Meredith responded.

"You know you like it," Alex said before receiving rolling eyes from Meredith.

* * *

**Monday June 17, 2013**

Meredith stayed pretty quiet through out the rest of lunch until Alex left. Then she looked over at Cristina, "You planned this, didn't you?"

"What?" Cristina asked, looking as innocent as she could make herself.

"Food poisoning? You look just fine," Meredith said glaring at her.

"Looks like someone is afraid of spending a little time with her McDreamy," Cristina teased as she stood up.

Meredith followed her out of the cafeteria, "Why would I be afraid of spending time with Derek?"

"Because you don't trust yourself."

"I do too. You do remember that I'm getting married, don't you?" Meredith said showing her ring to Cristina.

"I remember, but I feel fairly confident that you and McDreamy will forget it soon enough."

* * *

**Monday June 17, 2013**

"So I hear I'm still McDreamy."

Meredith looked up from her paperwork at one of the hospital computers and saw Derek's smiling face. "What?" she asked pretending to have no idea what he was talking about.

He smiled and took a seat, rolling it over towards her, "I keep hearing the name McDreamy. Either you and your friends have named someone else McDreamy, or I'm still McDreamy."

Meredith looked at him, "No one is McDreamy." She got back to her paper work and tried to pretend like she was doing something productive.

"The first surgery is scheduled for tomorrow," Derek said, changing the subject.

"How long will Mr. Hankerson have to wait for the second one?"

Derek moved a little closer towards Meredith, "That depends. We'll see once he is awake. Baring no complications, maybe three or four days."

"So you'll only be here till about Sunday?" Meredith asked, forgetting about fake working.

"That depends," Derek responded softly as he scooted a little closer towards Meredith, her eyes following him.

"On?" she asked quietly.

"If I have anything to keep me here."

"You're married," Meredith whispered, her breath quickening as she could feel Derek's on her. "And I'm engaged." Derek nodded at both sentences, but their eyes didn't waver from each other's. "And we're friends," she finished; receiving one more nod from Derek. He leaned in closer to kiss her, but she jumped up and left the room without a word.

* * *

"Your surgery is scheduled for tomorrow," Meredith said after she walked into Mr. Hankerson's room.

"Good. I can get out of here soon. Get out and move on," he said gruffly.

"I tried to get a hold of your wife today," Meredith admitted, as she got ready to take a little blood from Mr. Hankerson for a test.

"That was pointless."

Meredith smiled, "You're slightly cynical, aren't you?"

"Comes with the hospital and brain surgery," he responded.

"That's okay. I tend to be cynical too, but I'm working on this optimistic thing," she said receiving a doubtful look, "There is nothing wrong with trying!" she said defensively. "Anyways, I tried to get a hold of your wife today. I got her answering machine. I left a message, but I'll give her a call back," she finished as she finished up with his blood test.

"Why are you doing this?" Mr. Hankerson asked.

Meredith stood up and looked down at him, "I believe in second chances," she responded. He smiled as she headed over to the door. Before walking out, she stopped and looked back at him, "But if she comes, be careful."

"Why?" he asked.

"Because. I don't believe in thirds."

* * *

As Meredith walked out of the room, she headed down to the lab and dropped off the test. She leaned against the counter waiting for results for another patient, deciding she didn't feel like coming back down here in another ten minutes when they'd be ready.

Feeling ridiculously tired for three o'clock she moved away from the counter and slumped into a surprisingly comfortable chair, allowing her eyes to close. Her tense neck and back relaxed, and for some reason in the quiet corner of the large, busy hospital, offered her some peace.

There was no one bugging her. No one was expecting her to do anything or to not do anything. No one was pulling at her heartstrings and messing with her emotions. It was relaxing. She wasn't even this relaxed at home. Especially since there happened to be two men that lived with her, two men that were each expecting a lot out of her.

"Hiding from something?"

Meredith looked up and met her fiancé's eyes. "Hey," she said softly as he walked over to the chair next to her and sat down.

"You okay?" he asked as his hand grazed her cheek, bringing her face close to his.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she responded with a small smile.

"You should go home, get some sleep. Mr. Hankerson is fine and I'm sure Cristina would be more than willing to watch over your other cases," Ryan said.

"You over estimate Cristina's generosity," Meredith said with a little laugh.

"No, I just know how to bribe Cristina with surgery."


	17. Can't Let You Go: Chapter 16

**Monday June 17, 2013**

Meredith opened her front door and was surprised to hear the television on. She put her bag down and ventured into her living room. She stopped in the doorway, looking at the back of the couch that was facing the television. She could only see the top of his head lying on the arm of the chair and his socked feet, hanging off the other end, but she could recognize him easily.

For a moment, she let herself wonder, what it would be like to see him everyday when she came home, for the rest of her life. Then she sighed and looked down at her beautiful, sparkling ring and realized that it didn't matter what it would be like because that wasn't her life and it was never going to be. The person whom she was going to come home to every night was Ryan. Plain and simple.

She walked over to the couch and her suspicious were proven right, he was fast asleep. Apparently the night had been hard on both of them. Feeling a little bad for him, she decided to let him sleep. She walked over to the television and turned it off. As she walked back across the room, she heard him shuffle a little and she immediately froze, hoping that he was still asleep. She waited, but didn't hear anything, so she began to walk again, but then again she heard some more shuffling and a muffled, "Mer."

Meredith took a few steps back towards the couch and met his sleep eyes, "Hey," she said softly.

"Hey," she said back as he stretched out a little on the couch, "What time is it?"

"Almost four," Meredith replied as he pulled himself to sit up.

"What are you doing here so early?" he asked.

"Ryan sent me home. I was falling asleep while waiting for labs," she said.

Derek laughed a little and gestured for her to take the seat next to him, which she did. He rubbed his hands together and then ran them through his disheveled hair before looking over at Meredith. The way he was looking at her, made her feel some things that she wasn't exactly sure she wanted to feel. She looked away nervously and focused on her hands that were resting in her lap.

"About last night…" Derek began, but trailed off a little, obviously searching for words.

Meredith could sense the nervousness in his voice and his apologetic eyes without even looking at him, "We don't have to do that thing. You know, have this awkward moment that neither of us can explain? We don't have to do that. We don't have to talk about it."

"I just, I just thought you might want to talk about it," Derek explained.

"Words are only words, Derek," Meredith said before she pulled herself off the couch and out of the room.

* * *

Meredith took a long, relaxing shower, trying to get her head back to the level it was before Derek came back into her life. She wanted to be as Cristina said, "all atwitter with love" again. That's the way she was with Ryan, but now she couldn't help but feel doubt.

After the water began to run cold, she got out of the shower and dried off. She pulled on her favorite college shirt and some sweat pants before loosely tying her hair up in a low ponytail. She walked back into her room and plopped herself down on the bed. She grabbed the remote and turned on the television, looking for something to keep her mind off of everything else.

After about thirty minutes of channel surfing, she began to drift off to sleep, completely forgetting about the television. When she was almost out, a knock on her door woke her up. She rubbed the sleepiness out of her eyes before sitting up and responding, "Come in."

The door opened and Derek appeared, hesitant to walk through the room that she shared with another man. Meredith looked up at him, "Do you need something?"

"No," Derek responded quickly. He blocked the image of Ryan lying next to her out of his mind and tried to put his charm back on, "You know, words may only be words, but I hear m&ms tend to amount for something," he said, pulling a bag of candy out from behind him.

Meredith smiled and laughed a little before shaking her head, "Come here and give me my candy," she said. Derek listened and took the spot next to her, leaving Ryan far out of his mind. "You are going to get me fat with all of this candy you keep giving me," she joked as she took the m&ms and opened them.

"Fine, I won't buy you anymore candy," Derek said, sounding halfway serious.

"Nobody said anything about stopping it. I was just commenting on the consequences," she said as she dropped a few in her mouth and he grabbed a few out of her bag. "Hey," she said moving the bag away from him, "I thought these were for me."

"They are," he answered, "I just always thought the delivery boy should receive a payment."

"Now m&ms are a form of payment?" she asked, raising her eyebrows.

"Yup," he answered before stealing a few more, making her laugh.

"What is going on in here?"

Their laughter quickly silenced and their smiles disappeared from their faces immediately. "What the hell is going on here?" Ryan repeated.

Derek quickly got off the bed and Meredith sat up straighter, "Ryan what are doing home?"

"What do you mean 'what am I doing home?' I live here! What the hell is he doing in my bed?!" Ryan yelled looking at Meredith, but pointing towards Derek.

Meredith looked over at Derek, "Derek, I think you should leave. Go to the hospital or something," Meredith said quietly.

Derek's facial expression changed quickly. He could hear the fear in Meredith's voice, "Mere-"

"Derek, just go," she hissed, looking straight ahead at Ryan.

Derek looked at Meredith and then at Ryan, bringing his eyes back towards Meredith. Ryan looked infuriated, but Meredith looked scared out of her mind. He didn't want to leave her, but he was afraid that he might only make it worse if he didn't. "I'll come back later," Derek said, letting her know he wasn't going to really leave her.

"I don't suggest that," Ryan said firmly.

"I promise," Derek said, ignoring Ryan completely before brushing past him and out of the room.

When Derek was out of the room, Ryan let out a frustrated breath and closed the door. He walked over to the bed and stopped at the foot of it, "What the hell Meredith?"

"Ryan, it's not-"

"It's not what I think?" Ryan asked interrupting her quivering voice. "You're fucking having an affair in my house! In my fucking bed!"

"Ryan, stop it!" Meredith yelled as she stood up. Ryan shocked that she actually had yelled at him. "Stop yelling at me! We weren't doing anything!"

"Then what is going on?" Ryan asked, this time a little quieter.

"He's just trying to make up for lost time. He found me in our room and I asked him to sit down. We were just talking. Just calm down. You are overreacting," Meredith said, matching his tone.

"Nothing happened?"

"Nothing," Meredith said softly.

Guilt wrote itself all over Ryan's face. "I am so sorry, Meredith."

"It's okay," Meredith said.

"No, no it's not," he said quietly as he walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her, "I'm so sorry."

"I know," Meredith said as a few tears rolled down her face, "I'm sorry too."

"I love you so much, Meredith," Ryan whispered into her ear as he held her close to him.

"I love you too," she said even quieter.

* * *

**Monday June 17, 2013**

Derek looked at his watch. He'd been roaming around the hospital for two hours now and it was almost seven o'clock. He didn't feel right leaving Meredith with Ryan. Not just because he was leaving without her, or even that she was with another man, but also because she looked scared. He didn't think he'd ever get that vision of her scared face out of his mind. He knew Ryan well enough to know that he would never hit a woman, let alone Meredith, but something had scared her out of her mind and he wanted to know what it was.

Deciding that he'd given them enough time, Derek got into his car and drove to their house. He still wasn't used to driving up to this house and thinking off it as Meredith's. He still expected to drive home to her mother's house and for her to have her own bedroom, her own things.

He parked the car and noticed that Ryan's wasn't there. Only Meredith's obviously newly replaced Jeep, was in the driveway. Derek figured he'd either got called into the hospital or had to go take some time to cool off.

As he walked into the house, he didn't hear anything coming from the seemingly dark downstairs. He headed upstairs and heard the television coming from Meredith's room. Derek stopped at the top of the steps and looked towards his room and then back down at Meredith's.

He knew he should leave her alone, especially after the trouble he caused earlier, but he felt like he needed to see her. Surrendering to his desires, he turned and walked over to her closed door. He stopped in front of it, once again contemplating his options. Deciding that this is what he wanted to do, he knocked gently on the door.

When he didn't hear a response, he knocked again, but once again heard nothing. He got a little worried, so he pushed open the door gently. "Expecting someone?"

Derek immediately became confused, as he looked down at Ryan, "No," he answered uneasily.

"Really?" Ryan asked as he turned off the television, "Because you never knocked on my door like that back in college. Actually, you didn't knock at all. It didn't even matter if I had a girl with me."

"Where's Meredith?" Derek asked.

"That's the real reason you're here, isn't it?" Ryan asked, not answering his question.

"Your car is gone. I just thought I'd come and apologize for causing trouble between you two," Derek lied. Luckily, he'd never been known as a bad liar.

"Meredith took it. Her car is making some funny noises. Cristina and Izzie called and wanted to meet her somewhere," Ryan said as he stood up. "Derek, we've known each other for a long time. We said last time that we'd never let a girl get between us." Derek nodded, a little unsure as to where this conversation was leading. "Well, this time, I chose the girl. You need to stay away from her. We're going to be married soon, and hell, you are already on your second marriage. Just work, go out, and sleep here. Then go back home to McKenzie. Stay away from Meredith."

Derek opened his mouth to say something in his defense, but then stopped. "Yeah. You won't even know I'm here." He turned around and left, feeling even worse than he did before.


	18. Can't Let You Go: Chapter 17

_Over the next few updates you're going to see how much I love using songs in my writing. I hope you guys like that! I'm sorry I didn't get this up sooner, but the website wouldn't let me upload anything!_**

* * *

**

**Part 2: Can't Let You Go  
**Chapter 17

Derek walked into his room and laid down, taking in the scent of Meredith that not only was left lingering throughout the house, but it was imbedded into the sheets he'd been sleeping on lately. He had two different things going through his mind. First of all, Meredith was engaged. Engaged, as in sickness and health, forever, forever. But then again, he was married and that was supposed to be forever too. He wasn't really sure what to do or what to think. He wasn't even sure what he was feeling. All he knew was that he hadn't been as happy as he's been with Meredith in a long time. It wasn't the block things out of your mind and pretend you are happy, happiness. It was real, out of your mind, happiness.

_You're the closest thing I have  
To bring up in a conversation  
About love that didn't last  
But I could never call you mine  
Cause I could never call myself yours  
And if we were really meant to be  
Well then we just defied destiny  
Its not that our love died  
It just never really bloomed_

He sighed and looked at his new cell phone that he'd been ignoring all day. It was flashing, telling him he had multiple missed calls. He had two from his office back home in Los Angeles. He knew they were probably important, but he didn't feel like handling anything right now. After that was one from a number he didn't recognize. And then there were two more. Both coming from Los Angeles: his wife. He looked at the phone for a long time before dropping it beside him, deciding it'd be best if he didn't break it again.

_I can't let go  
No, I cant let go of you  
You're holding me back without even trying to  
I can't let go  
I can't move on from the past  
Without lifting a finger you're holding me back_

"Meredith? Are you listening? Do you get what this means?" Izzie asked loudly, shaking her hand in front of Meredith.

"What?" Meredith said, looking away from the vacant complexities of her glass of water, placed in front of her dinner plate.

"Why are you zoning out? This is important!" Izzie whined.

Cristina laughed and both Izzie and Meredith turned towards her with questioning glances. "What are you laughing at?" Meredith asked in a monotone voice.

"You're stuck on McDreamy again," she said laughing again, "First he took down McVet and then lover boy. At least he's determined."

Meredith looked back down at her water. "He's not determined. He's married."

_And then we saw our paths diverge  
And I guess I felt okay about it  
Until you got with another man  
And then I couldn't understand  
Why it bothered me so  
No we didn't die we just  
Never had a chance to grow_

Derek played the events of his time in Seattle in his head. No matter how many times he tried to get past it, his mind kept moving to the first day he'd shown up at Seattle Grace. He couldn't get Ryan out of his mind with his arms wrapped around Meredith, kissing her, not caring who witnessed it.

_I can't let go  
No, I can't let go of you  
You're holding me back without even trying to  
I can't let go  
I can't move on from the past  
Without lifting a finger you're holding me back_

McKenzie put the phone back on the hook. Her husband had left four days ago and she hadn't heard from him. He used to call so much when he was away that they'd run out of things to talk about. Originally, it annoyed the heck out of her, but now that he wasn't contacting her at all, she missed it. She missed her husband and she wanted him to come back home. He'd been acting strange last time he'd been home and she'd never gotten down to the bottom of it. Now she wanted to know what was bugging him, because she was afraid that it was linked to the reason he wasn't calling her.

_  
And it might not make much sense  
To you or any of my friends  
But somehow still you affect the  
Things I do  
And you cant lose what you never had  
I don't understand why I feel sad  
Every time I see you out with someone new  
_

Derek stared at the ceiling. He honestly had nothing else to do, which he found vaguely pathetic. He was a grown, married man. He shouldn't by lying in someone else's guest room, wishing for things to be the way they weren't. Yet, here he was. He was thinking about how things would have been different if he would have stayed in Seattle just a bit longer. He still didn't completely understand where she went or when she came back, but he couldn't help to wish that he had stayed to find out. Then Ryan would never had a job offer at Seattle Grace, and the day he would have met Meredith, would have been at their wedding.

_I can't let go  
No, I can't let go  
No, I can't let go of you_

_  
_"Excuse me? We were talking about me here. Me! Not Meredith and McDreamy, me and my life!" Izzie whined.

"Okay, we get it. You're pregnant. You're excited, but scared. Yada, yada, yada," Cristina said, waving her hand to show the unimportance.

"You're pregnant?!" Meredith almost screamed, before remembering that they were in the middle of a restaurant.

"That's what I've been trying to tell you for the last hour! Jeez Meredith, what the heck happened to you today?" Izzie asked.

Meredith got really quiet before looking up at her friends. "Ryan walked in on us."

Cristina almost chocked on her food, "You had sex with him?! Already!?"

"No, I did not have sex with him!" she said in a hushed, yet defensive voice, "I was just lying down and he brought me m&m's. He was just sitting on the bed, but then Ryan came in…."

Cristina laughed again, "You so wish you would have had sex with him."

_I can't let go  
No, I cant let go of you  
You're holding me back without even trying to  
I can't let go  
I can't move on from the past  
Without lifting a finger you're holding me back_

_  
_Derek heard Meredith's bedroom door open and close, followed by footsteps that led out the front door. He was surprisingly happy to have Ryan leave. This meant that Meredith had the chance of coming home before he did. Then leaving a chance for him and her to talk. Well, in all honesty, he didn't really want to do any talking, but he knew that was all he would get, besides that's all he deserved.

_I can't let go  
No, I can't let go of you  
You're holding me back without even trying to  
I can't let go  
I can't move on from the past_

Meredith got into her car and got ready to go home. Cristina's words kept echoing in her mind. That usually happened after a night out with Cristina, but tequila eventually drained it out. Unfortunately, Meredith barely trusted herself around Derek, but she knew she couldn't be trusted at all in a situation that involved her, Derek, and tequila all at the same time, so she had opted to stay sober tonight. That meant the words that beamed the truth were going to be stuck with Meredith until Derek made his way home.

* * *

_The song was Can't Let Go by Landon Pigg. It's really a great song!_


	19. Can't Let You Go: Chapter 18

**Part 2: Can't Let You Go**  
Chapter 18

Meredith walked into her dark house, only finding silence. She figured that was good. It meant no one was fighting. At least not anymore. She had, however, noticed Ryan's car missing. She didn't like that as much as the silence.

She pulled her tired body up the stairs. At the landing she looked over towards the guest bedroom and saw the light coming out from under the door. The silence was broken by the beginning melody to a song she recognized.

_One emotion  
It's all over the place  
You let it get out  
It cuts in your face_

The Clash. She wasn't surprised. It was really all Derek had on that iPod of his that he took everywhere he went. He usually didn't listen to this song though. It wasn't one of his favorites. He always complained that it was the lyrics seemed too sad. And sad music wasn't what he liked to listen to. There was enough sadness in the world already.

_One emotion  
Back of a shop  
Everybody wants what the next guy's got_

Meredith looked down at her hands unable to move. Cristina's words kept running through her mind and she knew that whichever step she made equaled a choice. A step to the left meant she was with Ryan. A step to the right landed her in Derek's arms.

Her diamond ring reflected in the dim light and caught her eye. Technically speaking, she'd already made that choice and no matter which step she took, no one would really know. But whichever step she took, it would change and possibly end the war she was having inside of her. It was the same war that always tended to begin when Derek came around.

_One emotion  
One emotion  
All you ever know  
Is your narrow life  
One emotion_

Meredith looked between the two doors before realizing how ridiculous this whole thing was. She needed to talk to Derek about what happened and Ryan wasn't home anyways. That made it sensible to go right, right? It did, as long as she didn't literally land in his arms, of course. She would just talk to him and then walk out, going left. So it was settled. She'd take a detour, but ultimately end up going left.

_One emotion  
Don't think I don't trust  
People trample people on the daily bus_

She walked down the hall and quietly pushed the door opened. She walked in and closed the door slowly behind her. Only the bedside light was on, illuminating the iPod beneath it. Derek was laying on the bed, facing away from the light, his chest rising and falling rhythmically. All he was wearing was a pair of deep blue boxers and a wrinkled white t-shirt.

_One emotion  
Fighting through the night  
And if you can keep your buttons down  
When it gets right_

Meredith leaned against the deep wooden door and took a deep breath that shook her body. In reality, Derek wasn't doing anything. He wasn't giving her looks, saying sweet words, romancing her, nothing. He was just sleeping. She couldn't even see his face. Despite all of that, his presence was creating a feeling inside of her.

_One emotion  
One emotion  
All you ever know  
Is your narrow life  
One emotion_

Meredith hated this about herself. This lack of strength thing she had begun to notice. It only showed itself when she was with Derek. _The love of your life will bring out the best and worst of you. _She silently cursed herself for her Aunt's words to come to her at a time like this. She loved her Aunt Hil, but like Cristina, she tended to say things that stuck in her mind and eventually ended up making her feel horribly guilty.

_One emotion  
Smokin' through the town  
Banging on the doors  
And…_

Derek's body moved a little, disrupting his peaceful sleep. He rolled over and despite the fact that his eyes were shut, she felt like he was staring at her, penetrating through her. She didn't want him to see her like this. Not this vulnerable and this much of a wreck. Not that he hadn't seen her like that before, but still she couldn't handle it. Before when she was this vulnerable, he'd take her in his arms and make it all better. And right now, she hated the fact that she would have let him do it again.

_One emotion  
Boy meets girl  
Smashing  
It's that kind of world_

Derek moved again, unconsciously trying to get comfortable. Meredith could tell that he wasn't sleeping very deeply anymore and she knew that she needed to leave. Right now, she couldn't even pretend that she trusted herself enough to be in that room with him while he was awake.

_One emotion  
One emotion  
All you ever know  
Is your narrow life  
One emotion_

Meredith pulled herself off the door and opened it, slipping out of the room quickly. When she was in the hallway, she looked down the left of the hall towards her bedroom. She had promised herself that she'd ultimately go left to begin with right? So she shouldn't be disappointed at all, right?

_One emotion  
Moving out loud  
Better get your weapon ready  
Walking through the crowd_

Meredith heard a few steps on the stairs and almost jumped when Ryan turned up, scaring her. He looked at her a little confused for two reasons. One, he didn't understand why seeing her fiancé scared her and two, he didn't understand why she was standing in front of Derek's room.

She read his facial expression almost immediately. "You startled me, that's all," she explained. She knew there was still another question to be answered, "I was just seeing if he needed anything, but he's already asleep."

_One emotion  
Back of a shop  
Everybody wants what the next guy's got_

Meredith gave him a weak smile before heading towards their bedroom like that was where she was going to begin with. Ryan took a step to follow her, but stopped and looked back towards the guest room. He thought for a moment about going in their a punching who he used to think of as his best friend, but decided against it and followed Meredith, obviously not convinced by her lines.

_One emotion  
One emotion  
All you ever know  
Is your narrow life  
One emotion_

Derek's eyes opened and he rubbed them with his hands before adjusting to the bright light of the bedside lamp. He looked around the room at its emptiness and then examined its silence. He didn't know why, but he had felt like someone was watching him. And he had the same distinct feeling he always got whenever Meredith was around.

_One emotion  
Emotion_


	20. Can't Let You Go: Chapter 19

**Part 2: Can't Let You Go**  
Chapter 19

**Tuesday June 18, 2013**

Meredith roamed around the hospital. Her shift hadn't started yet, but she had made sure to get up and leave early so she could avoid the two men she was living with. Not wanting people to ask her why she was already there, she retreated towards Mr. Hankerson's room, who was already awake as usual.

"How are you feeling today?" she asked as she shut the door behind her.

"After practically living in a hospital, I've noticed that that is the only question that doctors know. Funny, I've always thought of doctors as the smart ones," he joked.

Meredith smiled, "Fine then. Do you mind if I sit in here with your for a little while?"

"Company is always welcome," he said as he gestured towards the empty chair, which she took, "Hiding from something? Someone?" he asked eyeing her ring.

Meredith looked down at the ring before hiding it with her right hand, "Nope, not hiding from anything," she said quickly.

"Right, you are just hiding a wedding ring for no reason," he said sarcastically.

"Engagement ring," she corrected him.

"Fine, you are hiding your engagement ring for no reason," he said before looking away from Meredith for a few seconds. After silence settled in, he turned back towards Meredith, "You're young. Don't take advantage of the time you have by hiding from things, people, or even rings."

Meredith rubbed her head, "It's too early to listen to deep advice."

"Seven o'clock is only early if you didn't sleep well," he said, "And usually, when you are hiding from things, you don't sleep very well."

"Maybe coming in here wasn't a smart choice," she joked.

Mr. Hankerson chuckled, "People hate it when they are confronted with the truth."

"You know what?" Meredith said as she stood up, "You, my Aunt, and my best friend really need to give up on this truth thing."

"Maybe you are hearing the truth for a reason?" he suggested.

"Doubtful," she answered before slipping out of the room.

* * *

"Hey." 

Meredith looked up from the paperwork she was doing and saw Ryan. She gave him a brief smile before he kissed her. "Feeling okay today?" he asked.

"Yeah. Why?" she asked.

"You just look stressed. You are working too much," he said as he wrapped his arms around her.

"Ryan, we're at work," she whispered as she tried to get him to stop.

"Since when has that mattered?" he asked, jokingly.

"Seriously, Ryan," she whispered.

Ryan stopped and looked at her confused, "You sure you're okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine," she said before signing some forms. "I'm about to page my intern. Dr. Kline, and have him prep Mr. Hankerson for surgery. We're scheduled in the OR in an hour and a half."

"I know. I am one of surgeons, aren't I?" Ryan asked.

Meredith looked at him, "Yeah, you are." Then she walked away, leaving Ryan completely confused at her behavior.

* * *

Meredith walked into the scrub room, ready for surgery. Her hair was tied up with her blue scrub top covering it. She pulled out a mask and tied it around her neck, leaving it dangling down. She walked over to the sink and turned on the water as she began to wash her hands. 

The door swung open and she looked over to it, seeing Derek. She gave him a half-hearted smile before looking back down at her hands. "Hey," Derek said softly as he pulled out his own mask from the box on the wall.

"Hey," Meredith said back softly.

"How are you?" Derek asked as he turned on his water.

"Good. You?" Meredith asked. For some reason, the vacant conversation comforted her. At least it was better than staring at his sleeping body.

"Good," Derek answered. "Have fun with your friends last night?"

"Yeah," she responded. "When I came back it was late, so I just went to bed," she lied.

"I may be crazy, but I swear I saw you in my room last night," Derek said as he turned off the water.

Meredith turned off her own and walked over to the entrance to the OR, "You really must be crazy," she said flatly before walking into the OR with Derek behind her.

* * *

Meredith walked out of the scrub room and made her way aimlessly down the hall. She didn't really have anywhere to go, but she kept walking. 

"Excuse me, Dr. Grey?"

Meredith stopped and turned around, seeing a woman in her late thirties with blond hair. "Yes? Can I help you with something?" Meredith tried her best to not sound annoyed or tired, but she wasn't sure if she'd succeeded or not.

"I was told you were one of the doctors on my husband's case. You tried to reach me? I was just wondering where I could find my husband, Jake Hankerson," she said.

Meredith sighed. She didn't want to be the one to deal with this. "We need to talk," Meredith said, "Maybe a little bit more privately."

Meredith led the confused woman into a nearby empty conference room and had her sit down in one of the many chairs. "I know my husband and I had our problems, but I know he'll let me see him. Even if he doesn't want to see me at first, I know he'll come around. After all, he's my Jake," she said.

Meredith sighed again, "Ma'am, because of the severity of your husband's case, we scheduled two surgeries. His first one began today. Dr. Dawson, Dr. Shepherd, and I, we did everything we could. I'm so sorry, but he didn't make it."

The woman stared blankly at her, "If I wouldn't of left, I could have been here with him all of this time. Or even if I would have answered anyone's calls. He could still be here. This is all my fault."

"You couldn't has prevented this," Meredith said the woman began to cry, "Nothing you could have done could have prevented this."

"I just wish I wouldn't have been so scared," she said in between tears, "I knew he loved me more than anyone else ever could. I just wish I could have seen past everything that had happened."

* * *

Meredith finished up the last of her paperwork as Ryan walked up to her. "Mer? I'm so sorry, but I have to go into surgery. I know it's getting late, but I can't get out of this. It's going to take a few hours, so I'm going to have to stay here tonight." 

"Okay," Meredith answered, looking up at him.

"Can I kiss you goodnight?" Ryan asked, hoping she wasn't going to hit him or something.

"Yeah," she answered with a small smile as he leaned down a little to kiss her.

When the pulled away, he looked down at her sad eyes, "Mer," he said pulling her face towards him, "There was nothing you could have done. Don't beat yourself up over this. You weren't the only doctor in there, you know."

"I know," she answered softly.

"It'll be okay," Ryan said, knowing something was going on inside of her. He pulled her into his arms and held on to her tightly. He didn't want to let go and honestly, she didn't want him to. Unfortunately for them, his pager had other ideas.

Ryan looked down at it, "I'm sorry, Mer."

"It's okay. I'm going to get going. I'll see you tomorrow?" she asked.

"Yeah," he said before kissing her again, "I love you."

"Love you too," she answered as he headed down the hall.


	21. Can't Let You Go: Chapter 20

**Part 2: Can't Let You Go**  
Chapter 20

Meredith pulled up to her house in the light rain and was surprised to see Derek sitting on the porch, his shoes the only thing uncovered by the roof. She turned off her car and walked over to him, "What are you doing?" she asked almost amused._  
_

"What are you doing?" he asked, sounding serious.

"I'm going inside because my shift is over," she said, still smiling.

Derek looked up at, "No, really, what are you doing?"

Meredith looked at him confused and then sat down next to him, "What are you talking about?"

"I know I wasn't imagining that last night. You were there," he said, looking straight ahead. "But then you just ran away. You are always running away."_  
_

"Excuse me? If I remember correctly, you left Seattle."

Derek turned and looked at her, "Because you were gone. I left because everything reminded me of _you_. I just woke up one morning and _you_ were gone. I didn't even have a chance to stop _you_. I couldn't just stay here, having every mistake I've ever made with you shoved in my face over and over again."

Meredith was surprised by his calm tone as he spoke the words. The words themselves scared her out of her mind, but she refused to show it. Instead she just stood up and walked out from under the porch and into the rain. "What are you doing?" Derek asked again.

"For a brain surgeon, you have a very limited vocabulary," she said as she paced around her yard, seeming as though she hadn't heard a single thing he said.

_I never understood before  
I never knew what love was for  
My heart was broke, my head was sore   
What a feeling _

"Meredith, stop it," he said. "Seriously, stop it." The seriousness in his voice made her pause. She just stood there looking at him as the rain fell down on her. "You are going to marry him, aren't you?"

"Do you think you have any right to ask me that? I do believe there is another Mrs. Shepherd roaming around somewhere," Meredith responded.

"I know I don't have a right to ask you that. I don't have a right to do a lot of things, but that rarely stops me," he said as he stood up.

"It has ever since you got here."

"Are you complaining?" he asked as he walked out from under the porch.

"No," she responded as she placed her hands in her jacket's pockets and backed away from him.

_Tied up in ancient history  
I didn't believe in destiny  
I look up you're standing next to me   
What a feeling  
_

"I think you are," he said as he continued to get closer. Her retreat was basically pointless. He was faster and she was only halfheartedly backing up anyways.

"Derek, seriously stop," she said.

"Meredith," was his only response. It stopped her. She didn't know why or what it was, but there was definitely something about the way he said her name.

_What a feeling in my soul  
Love burns brighter than sunshine  
Brighter than sunshine_

Derek took one step closer, closing off most of the space between them. "Meredith," he said again, expecting a response.

She didn't have anything to offer him. Nothing. All she could do was look at him. She felt him take her hand, but she didn't stop him. She could feel his breath on her skin and it was all too familiar to her. After a few seconds, she pulled her hand back, but he wouldn't let her go. "Meredith, don't do this."

She looked up at him confused. Deep down, she knew what he was talking about, but she didn't really want to come to terms with it. Denial and avoidance had always been her specialty after all.

Derek, however, he liked to be a little bit more forward than her. He was tired of waiting and pretending. She looked down for a second at their intertwined hands, but when she looked back up again, he caught her lips in his own.

_Let the rain fall, I don't care   
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine  
Suddenly you're mine  
And it's brighter than sunshine_

The rain fell down their faces, but they didn't notice. Despite the fact that they had kissed in New York, it felt like they hadn't been in this position forever. Derek wrapped his arms around her and brought her closer, but she started to pull back. "Derek, I-"

"Meredith," he said again looking her in the eyes. In her mind she cursed his voice and his stupid eyes. She hated what they did to her. Okay, honestly, she didn't _hate_ it. She just didn't want to admit to the fact that she loved it. "Just trust me."

_I never saw it happening  
I'd given up and given in  
I just couldn't take the hurt again  
What a feeling_

In all honesty, she had no reason to trust him. None whatsoever. He hadn't given her any reason to. All he did was take her face in his hands and lead her back to his lips, knowing that that was where she belonged.

As their kiss intensified, Derek picked her up and she obliged, wrapping her legs around him. He never took his lips away from hers and she forgot to try and stop him. She was too consumed with the feelings he was sending through her body.

_I didn't have the strength to fight  
Suddenly you seemed so right  
Me and you  
What a feeling_

Derek led her out of the rain and into the house. He took the now familiar steps upstairs. He made a point to go right. He wouldn't sleep with another man's fiancé in his own bed. But he had no problem doing it in her bed. He chuckled a little at his own twisted thinking as he fumbled with the doorknob.

_What a feeling in my soul  
Love burns brighter than sunshine  
It's brighter than sunshine  
Let the rain fall, I don't care  
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine   
Suddenly you're mine _

As Derek walked into the room, Meredith got down on her own feet and pushed him against the closed door as she began to unbutton his shirt. He ran his fingers through her hair as he kissed his way down his neck, amused at the moans escaping from her mouth.

_It's brighter than the sun  
It's brighter than the sun  
It's brighter than the sun, sun, shine. _

Meredith pulled him out of his unbuttoned shirt and he pulled her own off. They stumbled over to the bed and Meredith fell back on to it with Derek on top of her. Derek stopped and pulled away from her. She looked at him confused for a minute. He smiled down at her, "I've missed you."

Meredith smiled and giggled a little, "You have no idea," she said as she pulled his face back down to her.

_Love will remain a mystery  
But give me your hand and you will see  
Your heart is keeping time with me _

They worked each other out of their pants, forgetting everything else in the world. That was one thing that they were always able to do for each other. They could make every bad thing, big or small, and make it disappear. It didn't even matter that they both knew it wouldn't last forever. All that mattered was that they were together. Right now. They were happy. And in love.

_What a feeling in my soul  
Love burns brighter than sunshine  
It's brighter than sunshine  
Let the rain fall, I don't care  
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine  
Suddenly you're mine  
_

_  
I got a feeling in my soul_  
_Love burns brighter than sunshine  
It's brighter than sunshine  
Let the rain fall, I don't care  
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine  
Suddenly you're mine  
Suddenly you're mine  
And it's brighter than sunshine_

* * *

_ Ahh... sweet adultery!  
Not._

_ Well, not sweet for Ryan and McKenzie... For Meredith and Derek? I'd say it was pretty sweet. By the way, the song was Brighter than Sunshine by Aqualung.  
_


	22. Can't Let You Go: Chapter 21

**Part 2: Can't Let You Go**  
Chapter 21

_I could stay awake just to hear you breathing  
Watch you smile while you are sleeping  
Far away and dreaming  
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender  
I could stay lost in this moment forever  
Well, every moment spent with you  
Is a moment I treasure_

Derek could feel her skin lying against him and her small breaths against his bare chest, but he couldn't believe it. His hand was absently playing with her sweet tussled hair, but his mind was elsewhere. He'd been waiting for this for a long time, but it didn't seem real to him. It was too good to be true. He didn't really think he'd done anything in his life to deserve this.

_I don't wanna close my eyes  
I don't wanna fall asleep  
'Cause I'd miss you, babe  
And I don't wanna miss a thing  
'Cause even when I dream of you  
The sweetest dream will never do  
I'd still miss you, babe  
And I don't wanna miss a thing_

He knew that he should be tired. Before he left the hospital he'd been tired and he was tired the entire time he waited for Meredith, but now, his eyes were wide open. His mind was running faster than he ever imagined and he didn't think he could shut it off. All of the moments of the past few hours kept running through his mind and it was all still surreal. The only thing that promised him that he hadn't made it up was her head gently resting on his chest with one hand lying beneath her chin, her body turned towards him. She was the only thing that kept him from thinking he was completely insane.

_Lying close to you  
Feeling your heart beating  
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming  
Wondering if it's me you're seeing  
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together  
And I just wanna stay with you  
In this moment forever, forever and ever_

Meredith could feel Derek's heartbeat and his rhythmic breath. She knew he wasn't asleep, but she didn't want to spoil the moment. Her eyes turned down towards her left hand, lying on the pair sheet between their bodies. The illumination of the moon caught her diamond ring. It shined up at her, almost mockingly, telling her it wasn't going to last.

_I don't wanna close my eyes  
I don't wanna fall asleep  
'Cause I'd miss you, babe  
And I don't wanna miss a thing  
'Cause even when I dream of you  
The sweetest dream will never do  
I'd still miss you, babe  
And I don't wanna miss a thing_

She didn't want to think about that. Not right now. Without being too noticeable, she slowly slipped the ring off of her finger. She left it lying next to her, afraid that if she moved it, she'd draw in Derek's attention, but she still felt separated from it, separated from Ryan.

_  
I don't wanna miss one smile  
I don't wanna miss one kiss  
Well, I just wanna be with you  
Right here with you, just like this  
I just wanna hold you close  
Feel your heart so close to mine  
And stay here in this moment  
For all the rest of time_

Derek smiled. He could feel her little movements. He could easily tell she was no longer asleep, but that comforted him. That meant she had time to think about everything, to process what they'd done. She now had a full understanding of their actions, but she wasn't moving. She wasn't running away from him. For once.

_  
Don't wanna close my eyes  
Don't wanna fall asleep  
'Cause I'd miss you, babe  
And I don't wanna miss a thing  
'Cause even when I dream of you  
The sweetest dream will never do  
'Cause I'd still miss you, babe  
And I don't wanna miss a thing_

Derek kept running his hands through her hair and he took her hand in his other. He didn't want to let her go. He knew he would have to eventually, even if it was only momentarily, but he didn't want to. Not yet. He had spent too much time away from her to leave easily now.

_  
I don't wanna close my eyes  
I don't wanna fall asleep  
'Cause I'd miss you, babe  
And I don't wanna miss a thing  
'Cause even when I dream of you  
The sweetest dream will never do  
I'd still miss you, babe  
And I don't wanna miss a thing_

"How much longer will you be in Seattle?" Meredith asked quietly, breaking the silence that had lasted over an hour.

Derek swallowed hard. He'd forgotten about that. About the change in plans. "Webber changed my flight to tomorrow night. There is a case in Los Angeles they want me on," Derek answered slowly.

"This is it?" Meredith asked.

Derek squeezed her hand and looked down at her, expecting her eyes to turn up to him, but they didn't. She didn't move. "I don't know," he answered silently.

"Okay," she answered before nuzzling closer to his warm body.

_  
Don't wanna close my eyes  
Don't wanna fall asleep, yeah  
I don't wanna miss a thing_

* * *

_Don't wanna miss a thing by Aerosmith._

_Hope you guys liked it!  
_


	23. Fools In Love: Chapter 22

_I'm glad that you guys really liked the last few updates and I hope that you all continue to like them. It's time for Part 3 which is titled Fools In Love. Enjoy and thanks for all of the reviews!_**

* * *

**

**Part 3: Fools In Love  
**Chapter 22

**Wednesday June 19, 2013**

Meredith woke up and took in Derek's scent that had taken over the sheets since he'd gotten to Seattle. She opened her eyes, revealing the bright sunlight. She rolled over, expecting to hit Derek, but instead only the bed. She immediately became confused.

She sat up, holding the sheet around her body and looked at the clock. It was one o'clock. She couldn't remember the last time she had slept that long. When she was about to get up, the door opened and Derek walked in, fully dressed. "Finally awake?" he asked smiling.

"Yeah, sorry," she answered.

"No, you needed sleep," Derek said as he walked over to the closet and began to take out the clothes that he had placed in there.

"What are you doing?" Meredith asked as she watched him.

Derek stopped. He didn't want to have this conversation, "Do you remember what we talked about last night?"

Meredith looked down at her bare finger and then back up at him, "Yes."

"I can't stay here," he answered, "At least not now."

"Oh," Meredith responded quietly as he took out some more clothes and packed them away in his suitcases.

_If you leave, don't leave now  
Please don't take my heart away  
Promise me just one more night  
Then we'll go our separate ways  
We always had time on our sides  
Now it's fading fast  
Every second every moment  
We've gotta make it last_

When he was done, he stopped and looked up at Meredith. He could see the pain in her eyes, despite the fact that she was trying to hide it. As her eyes roamed around aimlessly on the sheets, his took her in. She was sitting up, with her knees bent beside her, the sheet tangled around her body. Her hair was knotted and curled, falling against her gentle skin.

He walked over to the bed and got down on his knees in front of the bed. He caught her eye and she looked up at him. "Meredith, don't be upset," he said quietly. She just nodded. They both knew that no matter what was said, both of them would be in pain. It was inevitable. Derek knew only one thing that would make her feel at least somewhat better. He leaned forward and kissed her gently.

_I touch you once, I touch you twice  
I won't let go at any price  
I need you now like I needed you then  
You always said we'd still be friends someday_

He pulled away and looked at her, eye to eye. "Mer, I'm always going to be there for you," he said, taking her hand in his. "I have to go to Los Angeles right now, but that doesn't mean I'm leaving you. I never did, Mer. Not completely."

"I know," Meredith whispered.

_If you leave, I won't cry  
I won't waste a single day  
But if you leave, don't look back  
I'll be running the other way  
Seven years went under the bridge  
Like time was standing still  
Heaven knows what happens now  
You've gotta say you will_

"Mer, I don't know what's going to happen," he said honestly, "Just promise me that you'll be happy. Even if it is with Ryan. I can't live knowing you aren't happy."

Meredith nodded, her eyes turned away from him now. She didn't want to think about Ryan right now. Not when Derek was about to leave her. He says he wasn't, but physically, he was. He was getting back on a plane and leaving her.

"Mer?" he asked, expecting some type of response other than a nod. She looked back up at him and into his eyes. She could see desire. The same desire she always saw in his eyes when he was looking directly at her.

She leaned forward towards him and kissed him. It wasn't as gentle as the kiss he'd given her moments ago. It was more desperate. It was a plea. It was her plea for him to stay.

_I touch you once, I touch you twice  
I won't let go at any price  
I need you now like I needed you then  
You always said we'd meet again someday, day, day, day_

Derek was surprised that she wasn't lashing out at him. He'd expected yelling. He had even prepared himself for that, telling himself that he deserved it and promising himself that he wouldn't yell back at her. But this, this he wasn't prepared for. He wasn't prepared for Meredith to just open herself up to a world full of pain.

_I touch you once I touch you twice  
I won't let go at any price  
I need you now like I needed you then  
You always said we'd meet again someday_

All he knew to do was keep kissing her, so he did as he laid her back down on the bed. He could tell that the way she was kissing him was different. It was almost like she knew she wasn't going to be able to do this for much longer. Like she didn't have hope.

When Derek finally blocked those thoughts out of his mind and concentrated on her, convincing himself they had a chance, she pulled away. She slipped out from under him and sat up next to him, tears welding up in her eyes. Derek was confused. He just sat up as well, knowing she had something to say.

She looked away and tried to hide the tears before looking back at him. "I can't do this. Not again," she said. He opened his mouth to protest, but she cut him off, "Derek, if you leave… If you leave again, I can't wait. I can't just leave Ryan and then you never come back. I can't do that." Before Derek could say anything else, she stood up and ran out of the room. Seconds later, Derek heard her bedroom door slam shut.

_If you leave  
if you leave  
Don't look back  
Don't look back_

_

* * *

If you leave by Nada Surf_


	24. Fools In Love: Chapter 23

_I wasn't going to update again, but I realize that some of you guys are freaking out about Derek leaving. So, here's the next chapter._**  
**

* * *

**Part 3: Fools In Love**  
Chapter 23

Meredith woke up, her pillow and face both wet with tears. She quickly wiped her face off and looked at the clock. It was seven o'clock. She couldn't believe that she had been able to fall asleep again. She sat up suddenly and realized that it was evening time and that was when Derek was leaving.

She practically ran out of her room and down the hall to what had become Derek's room. When she opened the door, her heart sank. It looked exactly the way it had before he even arrived. It was like he never came. There was only one small difference.

She walked over to the bed and sat down on it, picking up the small piece of paper that was on top of a bag of m&ms.

_Mer,  
Promise me you won't forget.  
Love,  
Derek.  
P.S. Don't worry, I'm not trying to get you fat._

Meredith laughed a little at the end of the message. She picked up the bag of m&ms and was surprised at what lay beneath it. She looked down at the beautiful diamond ring.

_Ryan got down on one knee before Meredith in the middle of central park. Tears were already rolling down her face before he even opened his mouth. "Meredith, we've been together for five years. That's a long time, but I can't help and wish that I had met you so much sooner then I did. When I found you, you were broken and I wanted nothing more than to put you back together and make sure you never felt that way again. Now, you are happy, we're happy and I want to keep it that way._

"_That day we met; I knew there was something about you. Something special. Something I'd never seen before in anyone and the way you make me feel is amazing. I don't want to ever have to be away from you. I don't ever want to lose you. I want to be able to wrap my arms around you and kiss you whenever I feel like it. _

"_Meredith, I know we haven't talked about this much and I know you might have doubts, but believe in me. Trust me. I'm never going to hurt you. I love you too much and that's not going to change. Never. _

_"Meredith Grey, will you marry me?"_

Meredith stopped her mind from going any further into the memory. Instead she picked up the ring, the note, and the candy and went back into her bedroom.

* * *

Derek stepped out of the terminal and could see McKenzie easily. She ran up to him and wrapped her arms around his neck, "I missed you so much, honey," she said. 

Derek didn't respond. He held loosely on to McKenzie's body until she pulled away and looked at him confused, "What's wrong, Derek?"

"Nothing," he said as he picked his suitcase back up.

"Derek, just in case you forgot, I'm not stupid," McKenzie said as she followed him, "You are hiding something from me. This isn't how my husband usually greets me after being gone."

"It's nothing," Derek said harshly.

McKenzie's eyes narrowed, but then she dropped it. They were in public. She really didn't need to start a fight with him and then someone they know turn up.

* * *

"So," Cristina began, "Why didn't you come to the hospital today?" 

Meredith took another shot of tequila, "I don't want to talk about it."

"Mer, maybe you've had enough. I mean, that bottle of tequila is almost empty," Izzie said nicely.

"Iz, I'm in my own house, on my own couch. I can drink as much as I want," Meredith answered dully.

"Where's Ryan?" Izzie asked, changing the subject.

"Haven't seen him since I left the hospital yesterday," Meredith answered as she poured another shot.

"And Derek?" Izzie asked.

Meredith took the shot easily, "Haven't seen him since I ran out of his room naked this morning."

"Naked?" Izzie almost screamed.

"Barbie, are you really that surprised?" Cristina asked, "It's McDreamy. McDreamy so trumps lover boy, any day. It was bound to happen."

"If I wasn't drunk, I would probably find that comment insulting," Meredith said.

"Yeah, you probably would," Cristina responded.

Izzie just looked at them in disbelief, "What is wrong with you two? There are like so many problems with this situation! What about Ryan? Or Derek's wife? What about the engagement? What is going to happen?? What does this mean?!" Izzie practically yelled.

"Iz, she's drunk. It means she's going to stay drunk for a few more days after this too," Cristina answered.

* * *

"Derek, what happened in Seattle?" McKenzie asked as Derek drove them home. 

"My patient died before the first surgery was even over," he answered honestly.

McKenzie put her elbow on the side of the door and rested her head in her hand, "That's not what I meant, Derek."

"Then I don't know what you are talking about," Derek said as the light turned green and he stepped on the gas.

"Okay, you were acting strangely when you came back from New York. That I could live with. I figured it would just go away. Then you up and leave for Seattle, then you come home early, and now you won't even look at me. There is obviously something that I'm missing out on that makes all of this make sense," McKenzie said.

"Not now, McKenzie," Derek said.

McKenzie sighed heavily as her eyes followed the road. As the song on the radio ended, she looked back over to Derek, "Is this what happened with your first wife? You just started acting weird and pushing her away? Saying 'Not now, Addison' every time she tried to work it out?"

"No. That isn't what happened," Derek said calmly. He hadn't thought about Addison in a long time and he wasn't happy that she was bringing her up now. "She slept with my best friend."

"I know that. You told me that a long time ago. But you also said that you two tried to work it out. What happened then?" McKenzie asked.

"We tried, we failed," Derek said. Only, he wasn't referring to him and Addison. He never really tried back in Seattle with Addison. His mind was always elsewhere when he was with her.

* * *

Ryan came home and walked into his living room. He found Meredith lying on the couch, her face covered by the fallen golden brown curls. He walked over to her and noticed a note on the coffee table. He picked it up and read it. 

_She's drunk. Be careful.  
-Cris & Iz_

Ryan put it back down and took notice of the empty bottle of tequila and used shot glasses off to the side. He sighed and scratched his head. Every once in awhile, they'd go through weeks that she'd be drunk every time he came home, but that all stopped a few months ago. He was hoping that once they were engaged that it'd never start again. Apparently he was wrong.

He bent down and lifted her up, carrying her carefully up the stairs. As he entered their room, he placed her gently down on the bed. He carefully pulled the comforter out from under her and placed it on top of her body.

He sat down next to her on the floor and watched her sleep. He took her hand in his. "Mer, promise me what ever is going on is going to stop. I don't want to lose you and this drinking thing has never been good. Please don't do this again."

He rubbed her hand affectionately and ran his finger over her left, expecting to feel her ring. When he didn't, he sighed. He got up and looked down at her before turning off the light and walking out of the room.

* * *

_Please don't kill me..._


	25. Fools In Love: Chapter 24

**Part 3: Fools In Love**  
Chapter 24

**Sunday June 23, 2013**

Derek had left Seattle Wednesday. He has just had Meredith in his arms Wednesday, but now he's back in Los Angeles, miles away from her. He hadn't heard from her, but he hadn't really expected to, only hoped. Considering the fact that he was the one who left, he knew he should call her. He should be the one trying to do something, but he felt helpless. He felt like he was drowning and he didn't know how to swim.

He knew that by now Meredith had made a choice without even being asked to. She had either placed that ring back on her finger or had avoided Ryan at all costs. When Derek had found that ring the next morning lying on the floor, he was happy. He knew it just didn't fall off; Meredith had taken it off. It had given him such hope, but he knew she would end up looking for it.

McKenzie had left him alone about his mood. He decided she was either just tired of it or stopped noticing it. Either way, he was happy she wasn't bugging him about it anymore. It made the guilt somewhat bearable. The hard part was, he couldn't really decide why he felt guilty. He wasn't sure if it was because he'd cheated on his wife or if it was because he had left Meredith crying in her bedroom.


	26. Fools In Love: Chapter 25

_Sorry that the last chapter was so short. It just didn't fit anywhere else so I had to break it into its own chapter. I'd suggest that you all pay close attention to the time line. You may get confused if you don't. Derek left Seattle in June and the last chapter was a few days late in June. This chapter, however, begins in July. There are a few time jumps in this fic. Usually only like a month or something, but I just thought I'd let you guys now to pay attention to that. Anyways, on with the next chapter!_

* * *

**Part 3: Fools In Love**  
Chapter 25

**Friday July 26, 2013**

A month had gone by. Derek didn't know why he let it happen. The time just escaped from him while he was busy at work. He never intended on a month going by without seeing Meredith. Never. He still hadn't even talked to her. It was killing him inside. He knew now what Meredith's decision had been. He knew she had put that ring back on her finger and was probably planning her wedding right now. For all he knew, she could be getting married right now. But as long as she was happy, then it was okay. That was all he wanted. She was just holding up to her promise of staying happy.

"Derek? What do you want for dinner?" McKenzie asked as Derek walked into the living room, knocking him out of his thoughts.

"I don't care," he mumbled.

"How's that case at work?" she asked, "I kind of miss working at the same hospital together. Granted, the financial benefits of me going into private practice aren't bad."

"It's fine," Derek said as he turned and headed back up the stairs.

On his way up, his pocket started vibrating, so he grabbed the cell phone and continued up the steps. He stopped when he read the caller-id the first time and then reread it at least a million more times before it processed in his brain. He then hurried up the rest of the steps and into his office. He closed the door and sat down on the couch, not even bothering to turn on the light. He hesitated, but then flipped open the cell phone, "Hello?"

"Derek…"

"Meredith? What's wrong?" Derek asked, panic running through him. He could instantly hear the pain in her voice and the tears she was trying to hide. It began to hurt him even more that he was helplessly in Los Angeles.

_Honey, why you calling me so late?  
It's kinda hard to talk right now.  
Honey, why are you crying is everything okay  
I gotta whisper cause I can't be too loud._

"He left, Derek. He just left. I don't even know what happened. He just left," she cried into the phone.

Derek could tell she was hyperventilating, "Calm down, Mer. Everything is going to be okay. I promise." He wished he could actually promise that, but he knew Meredith would take an empty promise at this point in time. Even though the conversation had only just begun, he knew what it meant. It meant that she had chosen Ryan. Even though he obviously hurt her, she chose him.

"I just don't get it," she cried as she tried to calm her breathing down, "I gave up everything. I gave up you. And he just left me. I don't even know what happened. Everything was fine and then he was gone."

"Derek? Come down here please!"

Derek looked up from the phone towards the door and in his head; he saw his wife downstairs calling to him. He rubbed his head in frustration, "Mer, I need to call you later. I need to deal with something, then I can talk to you."

_Well, my girl's in the next room,  
Sometimes I wish she was you  
I guess we never really moved on._

"Oh." Meredith understood. She wasn't going to pretend like she didn't hear the woman's voice. "I'll just, I'll call Cristina or something."

"Wait, no," Derek said before Meredith could hang up the phone, "Did you read it?"

"Read what?" she asked. Her voice had changed from sadness to confusion, but the tears were still evident in her voice.

"The note."

"The note with the m&ms?" she asked, "What does that have to do with anything."

Derek stood up, "No, not that."

Meredith sniffled a little, "Ryan's? What is it a rule for every guy that leaves me to leave a note?"

Derek closed his eyes. He realized that comment was shot at him, "Not Ryan's. Mine."

"The one from eight years ago? Of course, I did. Why are you bringing that up?" Meredith was completely lost. She was tired and a little drunk, so there was no way she could possibly follow him right now.

"No. I left another one before I got on the plane."

_It's really good to hear your voice saying my name  
It sounds so sweet  
Coming from the lips of an angel  
Hearing those words it makes me weak  
And I never wanna say goodbye  
But girl you make it hard to be faithful  
With the lips of an angel_

Meredith became very silent and Derek almost began to worry, but she said something first, "That's how he found out. That's how, isn't it?"

Derek looked down at his hand and then ran in through his hair, "Mer, I thought you'd see it. It was on the table in the guest room. I'm so sorry."

Meredith sniffled again, "No, it's, it's my fault. I should have been honest with him. I shouldn't even of done anything that night to begin with. There was no reason behind it. It was stupid."

"No, Meredith. It wasn't. I asked you to promise me to never forget. To never forget that feeling. That feeling of us being together," Derek said desperately as he could hear footsteps on the stairs.

_It's funny that you're calling me tonight,  
And yes I've dreamt of you too,  
And does he know you're talking to me  
Will it start a fight?  
No I don't think she has a clue._

"I never promised," she said quietly.

"Promise me right now. Promise me you won't just let this fade away into the back of your mind and I'll promise to come back for you. Soon. As soon as I can," he said, quieter, hoping that McKenzie wasn't able to hear.

"Derek, I can-"

"No," Derek interrupted her, knowing she was about to cry again, "Just promise me, Meredith. Please. I love you."

_Well my girl's in the next room  
Sometimes I wish she was you  
I guess we never really moved on._

Meredith swallowed hard and went silent. She stared blankly in front of her until she realized she was still on the phone, "Derek, you've never said that before."

"I know, but, I do, I love you. Please," Derek was practically begging her and honestly, he didn't care if McKenzie could hear him. It didn't matter anymore.

"Okay," she whispered as the tears fell out of her eyes again.

"Okay," he echoed, relief flowing through him.

_It's really good to hear your voice saying my name  
It sounds so sweet  
Coming from the lips of an angel  
Hearing those words it makes me weak  
And I never wanna say goodbye  
But girl you make it hard to be faithful  
With the lips of an angel_

There was a knock on the door and Meredith stood up, "I, I have to go."

"I don't want to say good-bye," was all that Derek could think to say. It was the truth after all. That was the reason he didn't follow her when she fled from him in Seattle. He didn't want to make it final.

"Then don't," she said simply.

"Okay, then," he answered, "I promise I'll come back. I promise."

"Okay," Meredith answered. The line went dead and Meredith sat there motionless for a moment until there was another knock on her front door. As she dropped the phone and stood up, bitter realization ran through her mind. She never said it back.

_It's really good to hear your voice saying my name  
It sounds so sweet  
Coming from the lips of an angel  
Hearing those words it makes me weak  
And I never wanna say goodbye  
But girl you make it hard to be faithful  
With the lips of an angel  
(And I never wanna say goodbye)  
But girl you make it hard to be faithful  
With the lips of an angel_

McKenzie sighed quietly, one hand covering her mouth, the other on her hip. She heard some movement in the office and before she could get caught, she turned and went back downstairs. She didn't have the energy for this right now.

_Honey why you calling me so late?_

* * *

_Lips of an Angel by Hinder (Not the country dude who took it and recorded it. I like country, but that was just weird!) _


	27. Fools In Love: Chapter 26

_I'm really glad you guys liked the last chapter so much!  
Once again, note the date!  
_

* * *

**Part 3: Fools In Love**  
Chapter 26

**Wednesday October 9, 2013**

"How do I look?" Meredith asked as she examined herself in the three mirrors.

"Oh my god, Mer! It's beautiful!" Izzie said excitingly as she jumped up and went over to Meredith. "This wedding is going to be amazing!"

"What do you think, Cristina?" Meredith asked looking over towards her bored best friend.

"I think it looks better than the last seven you tried on here and the last twenty that you tried on in the last three shops," she said dully.

"I really like it," Meredith said as she turned around in a circle, the skirt flowing around her body.

"He's not going to be able to keep his hands off of you!" Izzie said as she looked at all the details of the dress.

"When has he ever?" Cristina asked as she stood up, "Sorry, Mer, but I have surgery in an hour. I need to go."

"It's all right, Cristina. Thanks for coming though, really," Meredith said, "I know you would have rather been at the hospital."

"Yeah, yeah, just next time, when we go to get the bridesmaid dressed, have them picked out before you call me," Cristina said as she walked towards the front of the store.

"This feels good," Meredith said as she continued to look at her own reflection, "This feels right."

"Are you sure, Mer?" Izzie asked, the excitement and enthusiasm she had before was severely lacking in her voice now.

"What? Why wouldn't I be?" Meredith asked, looking over at Izzie.

"No reason," Izzie said quickly.

* * *

Derek drove around the streets of Seattle aimlessly. He didn't really have any place to go, but he was so happy to be back and he just wanted to see it all. Take it all in. Appreciate the fact that he was back to what he liked to call home. 

Deciding he was hungry, he pulled into a parking space at a small restaurant that he'd been to once with Meredith. It was in the center of town, on the corner of a busy street, with a patio and a fountain out in front of it. He took one of the seats outside and watched the hustle and bustle of the city and all the people driving and walking around.

He watched as a lady tried to push a stroller with a crying baby, talk on a cell phone, and tell another young child to behave himself. Then a couple turned onto the sidewalk, holding hands. They walked slowly, with the man whispering into her ear, like they were in their own world. Derek envied them.

Then he saw a two woman he immediately recognized. He stood up and looked over at them. One of them stopped and stared back at him like a deer caught in headlights.

"Meredith? What's your problem?" Izzie asked after Meredith stopped dead in her tracks. Izzie turned around and looked at what Meredith was staring out, "Oh."

Derek looked at her. She looked good. He wanted to see her on his terms, but this was better than nothing. He down the few steps and past the fountain over towards Meredith with a smile on his face "Meredith."

Meredith's heart sunk. He said her name. He didn't say it like everyone else said it. He said it in his way. The way that drove her insanely crazy. She could kill him for that and she hoped he knew it.

"I kept my promise. I came," he said simply, confusing Izzie.

Meredith looked at him and then looked at the large garment bag she had slung over her back. Derek's eyes followed hers and read the bridal shop name imprinted on the bag. Izzie saw what was happening and took it from Meredith, "The car is just over there. I'm going to put this in it," she said awkwardly as she rushed out of the situation.

"You didn't," Derek said and she knew that the same promise that was on hers mind, was on his.

_Burn me down if that's how everything's gonna start  
With a flame from the heat off the look on your face  
On a day like today_

"I… I have to go," Meredith said as she turned on her healings and began to follow Izzie's path.

"Wait, Meredith," Derek said as he grabbed her arm and stopped her, "What happened?"

"You didn't come," she answered.

_I could have made out every raindrop falling down  
On your head_

"Meredith, I'm here. I'm standing right in front of you," Derek said.

Meredith sighed, "You didn't come back the first time, so after a month, why should I have believed you were going to come this time? Really, Derek?"

"Because, I promised," he said, realizing that that wasn't going to do much.

"You've broken your promises before. I have no reason to trust you," she said before pulling her arm out of his grasp and following Izzie's path down to her car.

_Now I fear that I may taste  
These tears rolling down my face_

"I can't believe he is here," Meredith said after ten minutes of silence in the car.

"Well, he is," Izzie said, "What did he mean 'promise'?"

Meredith sighed, "He told me he loved me. And that he'd come back for me. And he had me promise that I'd never forget about what we were together."

"Did you keep your promise?" Izzie asked.

"Yes."

_And realize something is wrong  
With the light of the sun  
In the color of the sky  
With you and everyone_


	28. Fools In Love: Chapter 27

_I got home today to find I had like eleven comments on this story. All I could say was 'Holy Crap!' You guys are so wonderful! Thanks so much for sticking around a reading this story, even though Meredith and Derek really haven't been together much. I've probably said it before, but just remember that I'm 100 for Meredith and Derek. I'm all for the other couples usually, but honestly I don't really care about them. (And I tend to notice how my writing reflects that...) Anyways, this story has so many more places to get than where it is now, so I hope you guys continue to stick around. I love this next chapter and the song I used is one of my all time favorites. I'm going to reread it and I'll probably have some mumbo jumbo at the bottom that you can read if you are either ready to kill Meredith or you are just confused! Once again, thank you sooo much for reading and I hope you guys continue to like it!_

* * *

**Part 3: Fools In Love**  
Chapter 27

"Where have you been all day?" Ryan asked as Meredith walked into their bedroom.

"Doing stuff," she said as she dropped her purse and took off her jacket.

"Stuff?" he asked.

"Yes, stuff. Wedding stuff," she said.

Ryan walked over towards her, "Feel like doing anything else tonight?" he asked seductively.

"Not really," she said as she pushed past him, "I'm exhausted."

"You're tired?" he asked doubtfully.

"Yes," she answered as she changed, her back turned to Ryan.

"From?" he asked.

"You know," she said as she turned around, "Surgery isn't the only thing that is tiring in this world. The more time you spend outside of the hospital, the more you'd know that."

"I spend plenty of time outside of the hospital," he said.

"Uh-huh," she mumbled before getting into bed, "Turn off the light."

Ryan looked at her, "That's all you're gonna say before you go to sleep?"

She opened her eyes and looked at Ryan, "Good night," then she closed them again, waiting for his to turn off the light.

"What happened?" he asked as he walked over to her.

"Nothing," she said before rolling over away from him, "Just let me sleep."

"Meredith, it's only nine o'clock. Since when do you go to bed that early?" Ryan asked.

"Since today," she mumbled with her back turned to him.

"Seriously, what happened?" he asked looking over her.

"Derek," she mumbled.

_What ravages of spirit conjured  
this tempestuous rage  
created you a monster  
broken by the rule of love_

"What?" Ryan asked confused.

Meredith rolled back over and faced him, "Derek. Derek is here. I don't want him to be here," she lied.

"Why not?" he asked.

"Nothing," she said rolling back over.

Ryan sat in the silence for a few minutes, but then his pager went off. He picked it off of his dresser and looked at it. "I'm sorry Mer, but I have to go. I'll be back as soon as I can." Meredith mumbled a small response before he kissed her on the cheek goodbye and walked out of the room.

_And fate has lead you through it  
you do what you have to do  
and fate has led you through it  
you do what you have to do _

Meredith shuffled in her bed for a little while, the sheets tangling around her body. Finally, she stopped, staring up at the ceiling. She hated this. She'd barely seen Derek and he already turned her world upside down. He'd done that four times in her life. The first time was when she just met him. Then after the prom. Then again when he came back and now, once again. As she stared up at the ceiling, she heard her cell phone ringing. She thought for a moment about ignoring it, but then realized that Cristina would kill her if it were her calling.

_And I have the sense to recognize that  
I don't know how to let you go _

Derek knew he was being stupid. This whole thing was stupid. She let him go. He knew he should have called her, but he wanted to wait until everything was official. He didn't want to just call her with no news and break her heart all over again. He had thought this would be the good thing to do, but apparently, Meredith saw it otherwise. And now he was ready to beg her. Begging had never been something he would do. He had too much pride. His pride always caused problems. But right now, he wanted Meredith too bad to even recognize what pride was anymore.

_Every moment marked  
with apparitions of your soul  
I'm ever swiftly moving  
trying to escape this desire  
_

Meredith looked at the cell phone as she sank to the floor by her window. The caller-id read Derek. Just the thought that he was actually back for her sent feelings through her body that she forgot she could feel.

She stared at the phone. Almost as if she was expecting Derek to jump out of it, but all it did was kept ringing and vibrating in her hand. She wanted to answer it and talk to him like everything was okay, but it wasn't and she didn't feel like lying to him or herself. Still, she couldn't put that phone down.

_The yearning to be near you  
I do what I have to do  
the yearning to be near you  
I do what I have to do  
_

The answering machine picked up and Derek ended the call. What was he going to say? It wasn't like she'd listen to it anyways. She'd probably just delete it. It was purposeless, right? So was calling her. He knew that too, but it didn't stop him from redialing her number and placing the cell phone to his ear, listening intently to the rings.

_But I have the sense to recognize that  
I don't know how to let you go _

Meredith's heart sunk when the cell phone stopped ringing and the blue light went dark, but moments later, it lit up again. She knew he wasn't going to stop. At least not for a few hours. Within a few days of meeting him, she had learned that he was extremely persistent.

Before the final ring rang, she hit a button and placed it to her ear, "Hello?" she tried to sound like she didn't know who it was and that her heart wasn't beating a hundred miles a minute.

_I don't know how to let you go _

"You answered," Derek said. He sounded relieved and amazed. He never expected her to answer.

"Yeah, I did," she said, a little hopeful that this could mean something for them._  
_

_A glowing ember  
burning hot, burning slow  
deep within I'm shaken by the violence  
of existing for only you _

"I know we shouldn't be talking," Derek said, "With the wedding and all… but... I just… I came to Seattle for you. I came to be with you. And now that can't happen."

_I know I can't be with you  
I do what I have to do _

Meredith knew he was right. She'd known it for a while. But now that someone had actually said it, it was a painful realization for her. She couldn't be with Ryan _and_ Derek. She knew that. She knew that the day she decided to put that ring back on and tell Ryan that everything was going to be okay._  
_

_I know I can't be with you... _

"Derek," she began, but stopped herself, not knowing where she was going to go with that. "I'm just… I'm just sorry."

"You shouldn't be," Derek answered, "This is my fault. All of it."

"Derek," she said again as she began to cry.

"Meredith," was his only response. There. He did it again. He said her name. It rolled off his tongue gently with so many things written in between each and every letter. It was full of so many emotions that it smothered her, but not in a suffocating way.

_And I have the sense to recognize  
but I don't know how to let you go _

"Don't cry." He knew there were so many things he could and should be saying, but that's all he could get to come out of his mouth. He felt so helpless. He couldn't help her and he sure as hell couldn't help himself anymore.

Meredith sniffled a little, "Derek? What did you have to do?"

Derek sighed, "I had to divorce my wife."

Meredith hung up the phone and let all the tears out. He'd given up two woman for her, one of which she knew was amazing, but she was pretty sure the other was just as great. He'd done all that and she couldn't even meet him halfway. Maybe she should just stay with Ryan. He deserved better.

_I don't know how to let you go _

Derek was surprised to hear a click on the other end of the line. He didn't know how to take it. He didn't know why she didn't just say something. Then again, he knew Meredith. Avoidance should be her middle name. But that was his Meredith, the Meredith he fell in love with. The same Meredith that was planning on walking down the aisle with another man.

_I don't know how to let you go_

* * *

_I think this chapter and the lyrics captured side of their relationship that hadn't been captured before. Earlier, Meredith was acting blind. She was refusing to see her love for Derek. In the Chapter that Derek left in the morning I had written this:_

**Derek was surprised that she wasn't lashing out at him. He'd expected yelling. He had even prepared himself for that, telling himself that she didn't deserve it and promising himself that he wouldn't yell back at her. But this, this he wasn't prepared for. He wasn't prepared for Meredith to just open herself up to a world full of pain.**

_It was that moment, not the sex that Meredith really let her guard down and admitted not only to Derek, but to herself that she was completely in love with him. But there is a question that has been brought up in my personal relationships that I usually tie into fics: Does the world get in the way of love? I guess Shonda brought it up when she asked, Is love enough? In a perfect world, Meredith and Derek would be happy and in love and together, but this world and these characters are far from perfect._

_ They know that they aren't perfect so they are doing what they think is best: Doing what they have to. Derek didn't come back right away because he didn't want to hurt Meredith by making her part of some cheap affair. He had to wait until things were official. _

_ Then look at the situation from Meredith's perspective. Eight years ago, this man hurt her. When she tried to heal on her own, he left. He may not have left to get away from her, but he left. He didn't try and find her or contact her in those eight years. He left her. And that wasn't even the first time because remember this story starts after prom. So before they even met again in New York, he'd already broken her heart twice._

_ Later I'll go more into Meredith's life right after Derek left the first time, but after only being with him a night before he left for Los Angeles, Izzie and Cristina found her with a half-empty bottle of tequila. That gives some insight as to what Meredith is feeling. This man has hurt her. He loves her, but he's hurt her in more ways than anyone else has. Ryan took care of her for five years and loved her. He never hurt her. She has never spent five years with Derek. She's barely spent a year. She may love Derek, but is she willing to risk happiness, stability, and her basic sanity for this man who will probably hurt her again? Most people in her situation would go for Ryan. He's the safe choice and remember, she does care about him. She wouldn't have said yes to his proposal if there were no feelings there. He helped her recover from Derek the first time and she owes him everything for that._

_And once again, the question comes back: Is love enough?_


	29. Fools In Love: Chapter 28

**Part 3: Fools In Love**  
Chapter 28

**Thursday October 10, 2013**

Izzie knocked hesitantly on the office door before hearing someone on the other end. She opened the door and walked in, closing it behind her, "So, you're really back?" she asked.

"Yes, I am," Derek said, surprised that she was there.

"I know we were never friends, well you were an ass, so of course we weren't friends," Izzie said before realizing what she was even saying. Derek cleared his throat and she stopped herself, "What I mean is that, what are you really doing here?"

Derek stacked a few papers on top of each other before looking up at Izzie, "I came back for Meredith. I promised her I would."

"Yeah, that whole promise thing, look Derek she's getting married," Izzie said.

"I know," Derek said as he folded his hands together, "When's the wedding?"

"In a week. It's all been kind of rushed. She didn't decide to marry him until less than a month ago," Izzie said, "It messed her up pretty bad after you left."

Izzie could see the change in his eyes. He was affected just because she said that Meredith was hurt. She knew that he wanted to know more, but that there was a rare chance he would actually ask for any information. "She stayed pretty drunk for about a month. She did that off an on for about two years after you left the first time. Apparently tequila is the only thing strong enough," Izzie said offering him in the information instead. His face became more pained and his eyes more clouded as she continued, "Ryan left her. He came back, but it was hard. She was alone. Well, Cristina and I never really left her. We made her drink at home instead of at bars so she never brought any random guys home, but she felt alone. Then in the middle of September, she just decided that she was going to marry Ryan again. She recruited me to plan her wedding and that's where we are now."

Derek nodded, his eyes cased down, "Okay."

"Yeah, okay," Izzie said before turning around and opening the door back up.

"Dr. Stevens?" Derek called out.

Izzie stopped and turned around, "Izzie. Call me Izzie."

"Thanks, Izzie."

Izzie knew she hadn't really done anything, but she understood what he meant. She gave him a halfhearted smile and a nod before turning back around and walking out of his new office.

* * *

Derek looked down at his pager that was calling him down to the main nurse's station. He left his office and silently took the elevator towards it. When he reached the first level, he walked over to a familiar nurse. 

"Welcome back, Dr. Shepherd," she said smiling.

"Thank you Cheryl," Derek responded, "What did you need me for?"

"The lady over there would like to speak with you," she said pointing to rather small older woman with graying light brown hair.

Derek walked over to her slightly confused, "Excuse me, Miss? I'm Dr. Shepherd. I was told you would like to speak with me?"

She smiled and shook his hand, "Yes, actually. I'm Hilary Gibbons. I just got in town for my niece's wedding, but instead of dealing with wedding plans, I was informed that you had arrived."

Derek looked at her a little surprised before recovering and placing a smile on his face, "Would you mind joining me in my office?"

"I'd be delighted," she said interlocking her arm with his, surprising him. "I'm an old lady and I've been waiting for you. I'm sure you wouldn't mind helping me?"

"Not at all," Derek said smiling, hoping that she wasn't going to turn around and kill him the second they were behind closed doors.

"So, I'm guessing you have heard of me before?" Derek asked after closing the door and taking a seat at his desk.

"More times then I'd like to think about," she answered. "But I do remember when I first heard about you."

_"What the hell? Hillary? Are you awake?"_

_"I am now. Get up, Rob. Go see what it is," Hillary said rolling back over in their bed, not before looking at the clock and seeing that it was three in the morning._

_Her husband pulled himself out of bed with a quiet grunt and out of their bedroom. He walked down the stairs of their small Boston home and to the door as the doorbell rang again. He looked out the small window and was surprised at what he saw. He opened the door and took in the picture again, "Meredith?"_

_"Uncle Rob. I'm so sorry it's late, I just…" Rob could tell she'd been crying. Before letting her finish, he pulled her into his arms and calmed her down. When her breathing finally stopped, he let go of her._

_He smiled down at her, "Your Aunt Hil is upstairs if you want to see her. I'll get your stuff."_

_She simply nodded and headed upstairs as he grabbed her bags, brought them in, and laid down on the living room couch, figuring that they'd need some time._

_Meredith climbed the familiar steps of the house that she had known as her salvation in her childhood. When she reached her Aunt's bedroom, she pushed open the door a little, hesitant to come in._

_"Rob?" Hillary said when she saw the light peered in the room. _

_"It's Mer," Meredith whispered in a shaky voice._

_Hillary sat up in the bed, "Meredith? Come over here, girl," she said as Meredith closed the door and took the empty spot next to her aunt and collapsed in her arms._

_"Woah, woah," Hillary said surprised by Meredith's instant sobs, "What's wrong, honey?"_

_"I just… It's just…" she cried trying to work out her own thoughts._

_"Just focus on breathing right now," Hillary said with a little chuckle until she calmed down. Meredith sat up and wiped her own tears off her face. Her Aunt looked at her for a moment, "Boy problems?"_

_"I just… I love him so much," Meredith said as tears continued to roll down her face._

_Hillary looked at her for a moment, "Then why the hell are you in bed with me? Better yet, why are you in Boston?"_

_Meredith's tears began to flow faster again, "I just… I… I'm so scared of being hurt again," Meredith stuttered out before Hillary wrapped her arms around her again and rocked her until her sobs died out._

"Really?" Derek asked, oblivious to the memory that had ran through Hillary's mind.

"Yes, I know the whole story and if you didn't save people for a living, I'd say you were a complete asshole," she said, "But since you are a doctor, you are only partially an asshole."

"Okay," Derek said, unsure of if the face that he was a 'partial asshole' was a good thing or not.

Hillary's demeanor changed quickly. She cleared her throat and became much more serious. "I can call you Derek, right?" He nodded. "You may not know me, but I've seen a lot of things. I have my own love life that once was almost as big of a mess as this. I was there when my sister's marriage fell apart because she had found true love in another man. My kids have all been through relationship problems and are still looking for complete happiness with their loved ones. So, I have experience."

She situated herself better in the chair as Derek tilted his head, listening to her intently, "I don't know you, but I do know Ryan. He's a good guy, but she never talked about him the way she talked about you. She's never really cried over him."

"He never hurt her," Derek whispered, thinking she wouldn't hear.

"You can never know the wonderful experience of love without first suffering from pain," she answered.

Derek looked up, "What are you trying to tell me?"

She stood up, "I'm her Aunt. I've been a mother to her most of her life. I want her to be happy, but I'm not going to push her into anything or away from anything. That's not my job. I'm just supposed to be there for her." She picked up her purse and walked over to the door. After opening it, she stopped and looked back at Derek, "Derek, I can't do anything about it."

Derek understood what she meant.


	30. Fools In Love: Chapter 29

**Part 3: Fools In Love**  
Chapter 29

**Thursday October 10, 2013**

"So, McDreamy is here?" Cristina asked, amused.

Meredith was slouched over at her lunch, playing with her salad. At the comment, she looked up and glared at Cristina, "Shut up," she mumbled, her head facing back down towards her salad.

"Are you drunk?" Izzie asked, recognizing her drunken antics.

"I wish," she mumbled.

"She's not drunk. She's bitter and pissed off. She's been too happy lately. It's refreshing," Cristina said almost happily. She received Meredith's second glare before looking up and across the cafeteria, "Oh, look, it's lover boy," she chuckled.

Meredith gave out a little grunt before Ryan sat down next to her and kissed her cheek, "Sorry I didn't make it home last night. I was in surgery till one and then I just crashed in an on-call room."

"It's okay. I was busy sleeping anyways," she answered, not really looking up from her food.

"More like busy dreaming about McDreamy," Cristina mumbled under her breath, receiving a glare from both Izzie and Meredith. Ryan, however, seemed completely oblivious to the comment.

"We've both been so busy lately. Between the wedding and work and everything. I was thinking maybe we could just hangout tonight at the house. Just the two of us. We haven't spent any time alone together in a while. How does that sound?" Ryan asked, looking at Meredith with an expectant face.

"Sounds great," she said trying to sound enthusiastic, but failing miserably.

"Sounds boring," Cristina mumbled again.

* * *

Derek looked up as the elevator doors opened and saw a tired looking Meredith examining a chart. She looked up and her scared eyes met his. She looked stunned, but shook herself out of it and hurried down the hall, forgetting the reason she'd been waiting for the elevator. 

"Meredith," he called after her, finally regaining his voice after she took it away.

He followed her down the hall, but she frantically tried to avoid him. They both knew people were staring at them as they played their game of cat and mouse, but neither of them cared. Especially Derek. He had nothing to prove to these people.

When she was finally with in reach, she turned the corner sharply, which Derek followed. He reached out to grab her arm, but she slipped into a room and slammed the door, hitting his hand hard.

He flinched as pain rain through his hand, but recovered and realized that Meredith had just locked herself in a supply closet. "Meredith, you can't stay in there forever," he whispered through the door, "Just talk to me. Give me a chance."

Meredith didn't respond, but Derek didn't expect her to. He looked at the wall lined with chairs next to the door. He smiled to himself and moved one closer to the door. He sat down, almost satisfied, "I'm not going anywhere, anytime soon," he said into the door.

About thirty minutes passed in silence. Finally, Derek decided to mess with her a little. "You know, that's the janitor's closet. And I know they keep ammonia in there. Have you heard about all of the affects of inhaling ammonia?" Derek asked, knowing people were staring at him as they walked by, "You'll start to get burning pains in your nose, throat and chest. And then you'll start coughing and having difficult time breathing. Is talking to me really worse than suffocating to death?"

Derek heard her sarcastic chuckle, "You've been in there for thirty minutes now. You should come out. One of your patients could be dying right now. And then when they have the m&m meeting and want to know what happened, I'll be forced to tell them that you locked yourself in a closet to inhale ammonia. I don't think they'd like that very much."

Derek knew that at this point, she wanted to kill him. There was no way around it. She was pissed. But, she was pissed before, so he should at least enjoy himself.

"I bet Cristina would be amused by this. Maybe I should get someone to page her. Better yet, Bailey. Bailey would definitely want to see this," Derek said looking over towards the empty nurse's station. Meredith was locked in the closet, so it wasn't like she could tell that there wasn't a nurse over there.

"Nurse Betty?" Derek asked, "Could you please page-"

Meredith practically jumped out of the closet and put her hand over Derek's mouth silencing him. She looked over at the nurse's station and noticed that it was empty. She looked down at him and glared at him after removing her hand. "I hate you."

"You know you don't," Derek said as she began to walk away.

He caught up with her and began to follow her, "Someone very interesting came to see me."

"Really?" Meredith asked sounding uninterested.

"Actually, two people came to see me. One of which, I'd never met before," Derek added, "At first, I was a little scared. I thought she might kill me, but apparently my charm is very useful. It works on everyone in your family."

Meredith stopped dead in her tracks, caused Derek to run into her. She turned around, "What?"

"I believe her name was Hillary?" Derek suggested.

"Seriously?" she asked, obviously pissed off.

"Seriously," Derek said with a smile.

"I hate you," Meredith added before turning around and walking down the hall.

"You say that now," Derek said loud enough so that she could hear, causing her to shake her head before turning down another hall.

* * *

Meredith walked into her house, surprised by the darkness. She dropped her bag and walked into the living room to see the fire in the fireplace and a few candles on the coffee table lighting the room. Dinner was placed on the table with a cheesecake next to it. When Meredith was told that she was going to be spending a night at home, she wasn't expecting this. 

Ryan walked in from the kitchen and quickly kissed her before grabbing her hand and leading her over to a blanket in front of the fire. "How was the rest of your day?" Ryan asked as he opened a bottle of champagne.

Meredith thought about everything with Derek, but instantly felt guilty for it. She shouldn't be thinking about him when she was with Ryan. It wasn't right.

She put on a smile and took the glass of champagne from him, "Fine," she answered before taking a sip, "Ryan, this is all amazing. You didn't have to do this."

"Well, I checked our schedules and because of our vacation time after the wedding, we're both packed at work until the wedding and I know you and Izzie will be busy planning stuff. This is basically our last night alone together," Ryan said as he uncovered their steaming dinner, "Our last night as fiancés before we're husband and wife."

"Husband and wife," Meredith echoed, "I can't believe it's really happening."

"Neither can I," Ryan said smiling, "You'll be Mrs. Meredith Dawson."

"Yeah," Meredith said as she moved her glass in a small circle, swishing the glossy liquid inside.

"What's wrong?" Ryan asked placing his glass down.

"Nothing, I'm just exhausted," Meredith said. She thought about just going to bed, but she didn't want to hurt him. She put a smile on her face and changed her tone, "So, what's for dinner?"

* * *

"Dr. Shepherd?" 

Derek looked up and saw a nurse at his office door, "Yes, Cheryl?"

She stepped in and placed a large white envelope, "This was dropped off for you."

"By whom?" Derek asked, dropping his pen on the papers he'd been signing.

"Can't say," she said as she headed back to the door, "Sworn to secrecy."

Derek gave her a confused glance before she shut the door. He picked up the envelope and looked at the outside. There wasn't anything written on it, but he could tell there was something thicker than just normal paper inside.

He ripped open the white envelope and pulled out a thick paper. It was white with glossy lavender cursive writing engraved in it. He ran his fingers over the letters as his mind process the information. _Together with their families and friends, Meredith Grey and Ryan Dawson invite you to share in their joy as they exchange vows Friday the eighteenth of October two thousand thirteen at seven o'clock in the evening, Ritz Carlton, downtown Seattle, Washington._

* * *

"You know how much I love you right, Meri?" Ryan asked as he play with Meredith's hair. He was lying on the comfortable blanket with his head propped up against the couch, facing the fire. Meredith's head was leaning against his warm chest, her body turned towards him for warmth on the cold October night. 

"Yes," Meredith answered a small smile playing at her lips.

"I don't want you to ever forget it," Ryan answered as his hand gently rubbed her back, sending shivers through her body.

"I won't," Meredith whispered.

Ryan tore his gaze away from the mesmerizing fire and looked down at her, "Why are you whispering?" he whispered.

"I'm sorry," Meredith whispered again.

"Your sorry for whispering?" Ryan whispered.

Meredith turned her head towards him, a sad look on her face, "No, for everything I've done."

"Meredith, you haven't done anything wrong. Don't be upset. I hate it when you are," Ryan said as he ran his fingers through her hair, "Just be Meredith."


	31. Fools In Love: Chapter 30

**Part 3: Fools In Love  
**Chapter 30:

**Monday October 14, 2013-**

Meredith spent the weekend and Friday planning for the wedding. She knew she should be at work since she'd been gone for two weeks after the wedding, but there were still so many things that needed to be done. Five days were left. Only five days until she became Mrs. Meredith Dawson. That name kept running through her head constantly. She couldn't get it to stop, but she didn't know if that was a good thing or not.

Her Aunt Hil and Izzie had been helping her out, but she could tell that her Aunt was acting strange. She wanted to ask her about Derek and why she went to see him, but she didn't want it to seem like Derek was on her mind. She didn't need anyone else doubting her decision to get married.

* * *

Derek had noticed Meredith's absence from the hospital. Of course he had. He noticed just about anything she did while she was there, so it was natural for him to notice that there wasn't anything for him to notice.

He sighed, realizing that his own thoughts were beginning to confuse him. He stepped into his office and his eyes zoned in directly on the invitation. He didn't know who left it. He figured it was either Hillary, Izzie, or Meredith, but he wasn't sure. He had no desire to be there. None whatsoever. He didn't want to watch Meredith be sealed to another man for all eternity. But then again, if Meredith was the one who sent it, he knew that in her mind, she was asking him to just be her friend. And being a friend is better than a lost lover, right?


	32. Fools In Love: Chapter 31

_Once of my favorite characters ever: Hillary Gibbons aka Aunt Hil. She's amazing. I'm so glad I was able to bring her back! And if you are wondering as you get farther into this chapter, I don't hate George. I actually love George, I just needed someone for that scene and he fit.

* * *

_

**Part 3: Fools In Love  
**Chapter 31

**Monday October 14, 2013-**

Meredith pushed the kitchen door opened and grabbed a cup of coffee, sitting down at the table.

"You look like crap," Hillary said honestly, "What's got you up all night?"

"Nothing," Meredith mumbled.

"Uh-huh. Sure," Hillary said as she picked her book up from the table and pretended to read it. She didn't both to actually read it, she knew Meredith would spill in a second.

"It's just this wedding thing. Whoever told me that I could pull this off in a month?" Meredith asked sipping her coffee.

"No one," Hillary answered.

"You aren't very supportive in the mornings," Meredith said.

"You aren't very pretty," Hillary answered, "Sucks for both of us."

"Now I know why I hung around Cristina when I met her. It was like being at home," Meredith said as she walked back upstairs.

* * *

"You've been here for five days."

Derek looked up from his patient's chart with a confused look and saw Cristina, "Yes…" he said, unsure of where this was going.

"And what have you accomplished?"

Derek closed the chart, "What are you talking about?"

"You've been here for five days. Last time, by the fifth day, you had her in bed. You two haven't even gotten close to bed. She's gotten bitter, which is a sign that she's heading there, but you are slacking off," Cristina lectured.

"Are you yelling at me for not making your best friend cheat on your boss?" Derek asked.

Cristina thought about the question and glared at him, "Shut up," she answered before turning to walk away. Halfway down the hall she called back at him, "Seriously, Shepherd. You are losing the nickname if it takes you more than six days!"

* * *

Derek sat down in his office and picked up the invitation again. _Meredith Dawson._ It ran through his mind like a virus. He didn't want that to happen. _Meredith Shepherd. _That was a gorgeous name. It fit her better, he decided. She was too beautiful to have an ugly name that reminded him of a virus.

There was a knock on the door. He looked up as it opened and George walked in. "Dr. O'Malley? I haven't talked to you in awhile," Derek said as he stood up to shake his hand.

George looked a little uncomfortable, but he always seemed to look that way to Derek, so he dismissed it.

"Yeah, well, I've been kind of busy," George said.

"What can I do for you?" Derek asked as he took a seat on the edge of his desk.

George looked nervously around and saw the invitation, "Your going?"

Derek looked down at the invitation with a pained expression on his face, "Well… I.. That's not decided yet," Derek answered.

"Oh," George said, "You know, everyone has basically taken their side on this. You and Meredith or Ryan and Meredith. Even the nurses have picked. It's sad, really."

Derek looked at him, expecting him to continue, but he just stopped. "Do you have a point O'Malley?"

"Ryan never hurt her. You did. The facts point to Ryan. He deserves her. Keep that in mind. That's all I'm saying," George said nervously before turning and walking out of the office.

Derek looked back down at the invitation, before his head landed in his hands, completely lost.

* * *

**Tuesday October 15, 2013- **

"Where is your fiancé?" Hillary asked.

"What?" Meredith asked, looking up from her book.

"Your fiancé," Hillary repeated as she walked into Meredith's room, "You've been lying around this house for the last two days, doing nothing. Not being a very good host, I must add. Your fiancé, however, is nowhere to be seen. Why?"

Meredith put her book down, "He's a dedicated doctor. He's just making sure his patients are okay before the wedding and the honeymoon."

"And you are what? An apathetic doctor?" she asked.

"No, I just already made sure my patients were fine. Besides, Ryan is head of neurosurgery. He has a lot more going on then I do at the hospital. This is how it always is," Meredith answered, picking her book up again.

"Is this how you want it to always be?" she asked with a raised eyebrow.

"What?" Meredith asked, dropping the book again.

"Nothing," Hillary answered before turning and leaving her niece alone.

Meredith sighed. Four days left.

* * *

"Dr. Stevens? How is Mrs. Franks doing?" Derek asked as he caught up with Izzie.

"She's doing well. The babies should be born in a few days and then we'll rush Gabby up to the OR," Izzie answered.

"Gabby?" Derek asked.

"Baby number 3. Gabriella, actually," Izzie added.

"Oh," Derek said as he signed something on a chart, "Pretty name."

"Yeah," Izzie said as they both slowed down at the closed elevator doors. "You know, I haven't seen you around much other than at the hospital."

Derek hastily closed the chart and looked up at her, "Yeah, well, I've been pretty busy around here."

"There are only four days left till the wedding," Izzie said.

"Yeah, I know," Derek answered, moving his eyes away from Izzie to the cold hard metal doors before him.

Izzie bit her bottom lip, knowing she was about to cross the line. Technically, she already had, but not obviously. This would be obvious. "You aren't even going to try?"

Derek turned to her in confusion, "What?" he asked as he placed his hands in the comfort of his white lab coat.

"I mean, be, well, you? You are just going to let her get married?" Izzie asked, looking around, making sure no one was around that would incriminate her to Meredith.

Derek sighed as he looked back to the metal, "She makes her own decisions. I can't make her do anything."

"You're right," Izzie said as she turned to face the doors as well, "You can't make her realize that she's making a mistake. No matter what you do, you can't change her mind. But what you do, it'll stay in the back of her mind and then she'll realize it all on her own. You have to give her something to go on. Something that will let her figure it out on her own."

The doors opened and Izzie walked in. Derek didn't move. His forehead wrinkled in thought as nurses and doctors brushed past him, in and out of the elevator. Before he could react to her words, his pager went off, sending him to the OR for an emergency surgery.


	33. Fools In Love: Chapter 32

**Part 3: Fools In Love  
**Chapter 32

"Hey, baby," Ryan said as he walked into their bedroom. He leaned over and kissed Meredith before he pulled his sweater over his head, "How was your day?"

"Good," she answered, "Relaxing."

"What'd you do?" Ryan asked as he plopped down next to her.

"I stayed in bed late, then I woke up and Aunt Hil had made me brunch, I took a bath, and then I basically laid around and read or watched television," Meredith said with a smile, "Relaxing is fun. I forgot about it. You should try it sometime."

"And miss the rush of the operating room? Nah. I'll pass," Ryan said.

Meredith smiled, "Yeah, surgery is pretty amazing too."

"You should come back to work. We're going to be gone for two weeks after the wedding anyways," Ryan said as he lay back on his pillow next to Meredith.

Her smile disappeared, "No. I'd rather just lying around and hang out with my Aunt. I've been so busy, I haven't kept in touch with her as much as I used to."

"Your choice," he said as he grabbed the remote and turned on a football game.

"You're kidding me, right?" Meredith asked as she saw a pass get intercepted by the other team.

"What?" he asked, looking up at her.

"You just got home and you are going to watch sports?" Meredith asked with a raised eyebrow and a disapproving look.

"If your asking if I'd rather have sex than watch football, the answer is yes, but your Aunt is just down the hall. I don't think that's appropriate," Ryan said turning back to the game.

"I never mentioned sex," she answered.

"But you thought it," Ryan said jokingly. He didn't even have to look up at her to see the glare in her eyes. He turned off the television and looked up at her, "What do you want to do, tonight?"

"Never mind," she said as she got up, "Watch your game. I think I might go take Aunt Hil to meet Cristina or something."

"Okay," Ryan said as she walked out of the room, "Have fun!"

* * *

"You brought your Aunt to a bar? It's like bringing your mother," Cristina mumbled as she took a sip of her beer.

"I heard that, and I'd suggest you keep quiet," Hillary said before Meredith could intercept.

"Aunt Hil, this is Cristina Yang. For some reason, she's become my friend," Meredith said, introducing them, "You already know Iz."

"Yes, Izzie, good to see you again," Hillary said, looking across the table. She turned back towards Meredith and whispered, "You better not have anymore happy friends. This one is crazy enough as it is. I don't think I could handle anymore of them. Not unless I'm offered lots and lots of free alcohol."

Cristina smiled, "I think I'm going to like her after all."


	34. Fools In Love: Chapter 33

_Sorry this chapter is soo short! It's the only way I could make things work!_

**Part 3: Fools In Love  
**Chapter 33

Derek woke up and rolled over, falling on the floor. He groaned and sat up, rubbing his sore back. "I have got to get a place," he mumbled looking at the small on-call room bed. He sat down on it and ran his fingers through his hair. He looked down at his watch and saw that it was three in the morning.

He sighed. Another day had gone by and he hadn't done anything. He still didn't know why he hadn't done anything, but he hadn't. He just couldn't force himself to hurt her again. He knew that despite his best interests, she'd get hurt. She'd be torn between two people and it would be hard on her. He didn't want to cause her anymore pain. He's sure that he'd caused her enough pain to last well over a lifetime.


	35. Fools In Love: Chapter 34

**Part 3: Fools In Love  
**Chapter 34

**Wednesday October 16, 2013-**

"So what have you and Dr. McDreamy been up to?"

"Excuse me?" Meredith asked.

"You know he's here for you. He made it obvious. He's made a move hasn't he?" Cristina asked.

Meredith looked over at her Aunt Hil who quickly looked down at the newspaper and sipped her coffee as if she hadn't heard a word of the conversation.

"No, he hasn't actually," Meredith answered, relaxing back into her chair.

"You sound disappointed," Izzie added as she sat down a plate of muffins in the middle of the table. "They're blueberry. Try them."

"That man is so losing his nickname. Apparently, lover boy does trump McDreamy. How sad," Cristina said, in a tone noting to the fact that she really didn't care much.

"Were you seriously hoping that a man would try something with me two days before my wedding?" Meredith asked, obliviously a little pissed off.

Cristina rolled her eyes, "Oh yeah, like you aren't surprised that he hasn't done anything. You knew the second he showed up that you weren't going through with this wedding."

"Cristina," Izzie snapped, her mouth half full with a muffin.

"In case you missed out on the last few years, Derek hasn't been here. Ryan has. Ryan's been there through everything. He loves me and I love him. As my friend, you should want me to be happy. I'm going to go through with this wedding because I want to and it's going to make me happy. If you have a problem with that, then don't show up," Meredith snapped before hastily removing herself from the kitchen and stomping her way up the stairs.

"Nice, Cristina," Izzie said with an annoyed look on her face.

Hillary smiled behind her newspaper at the scene. She was beginning to think that Seattle was much more interesting than Los Angeles or Boston had ever been.

* * *

"Any luck?" Hillary asked when Izzie and Cristina walked back into the kitchen.

"She's been locked in that room for three hours! This is ridiculous!" Cristina groaned.

"It's your fault. Just let her be. It's her mistake. It's just like I told Derek. No one ca-"

"You talked to Derek?" Cristina asked, interrupting Izzie.

"Of course I did. Didn't you?" Izzie asked.

Cristina waved it off with her hand as if it was nothing, "Of course I did, but you? What did you do?"

"You make it sound like I can't do anything productive," Izzie commented annoyed, "I'm not the one who went and nicknamed Ryan."

"Oh, shut up. It's not like I gave him a McName or anything. It's Lover boy. Just a knock off of some old Patrick Dempsey movie," Cristina said as she plopped back down at the kitchen table. "She's so stupid."

"You're the one who pissed her off," Izzie muttered.

"Oh shut up and bake something, Betty Crocker," Cristina added.

Izzie opened her mouth to snap back a comment, but Hillary interrupted her, "Aren't you two supposed to be stopping a wedding? As much entertainment as it has proven to be, you two bickering isn't going to stop my niece from marrying the wrong neurosurgeon."

Izzie looked at her surprised, "You don't want this to happen either?"

"You really are blonde, aren't you?" Hillary asked rhetorically before going back the book she'd picked up after the newspaper.

* * *

_I love the banter between Izzie and Cristina. It's hilarious. And once again, I absolutely love Aunt Hil. She's sarcastic, yet wise!_


	36. Fools In Love: Chapter 35

**Part 3: Fools In Love  
**Chapter 35

**Thursday October 17, 2013- **

"Meredith! Come on! We're going to be late!" Izzie screamed up the stairs.

"I'm coming!" Meredith yelled back as she tripped over a pair of black heels, slamming into the side of her desk, "Ow, shit," she mumbled under her breath before grabbing the shoe and looking around her disheveled room for the other one.

"No one cares what you look like tonight, it's not like it's actually your wedding or anything!" Cristina complained, annoyed.

"I care!" Meredith yelled as she pulled the newly discovered heel out from under her bed and slipped it on.

"Come on! Everyone is going to be waiting!" Izzie yelled again.

"I'm coming!" Meredith yelled again as she hurried down the stairs.

"You look great, Mer," Izzie said looking at her friend who was wearing a cute lavender sweater, flattering black dress pants, and cute heels. "Matches the wedding."

"Yeah," Meredith said as she grabbed her purse.

"For two hours, I don't think she looks _that_ great," Cristina mumbled under her breath as they made their way to the rehearsal dinner.

* * *

"Darling, the rehearsal was perfect. The wedding is going to be perfect tomorrow," Ryan's mom said as she bent over and kissed Meredith's cheek.

"Thank you," Meredith said looking up to her as she stood up straight again.

"I'm so excited!" she said genuinely, "And just so you know," she whispered towards Meredith, "You were right about the dinner dish. Ryan shouldn't be able to chose anything."

Meredith laughed looking down at the untouched plate in front of her, "Yeah, I was never really one for fish," she lied, knowing the real reason for losing her appetite.

"Neither was anyone in our family, just Ryan," she said. "Well, it is getting late and tomorrow is going to be a busy day! You go home and get some sleep," she said as she placed her hand on Meredith's arm lovingly, "Don't let him keep you up all night."

Meredith laughed a little uncomfortably, "I won't."

"Good," she said as she began to walk over to Ryan.

He stood up from the wedding party's table and hugged her, kissing her on the cheek, "See you tomorrow, Mom."

"The day you become a married man," his father added as he shook Ryan's hand.

"Yeah," Ryan said sounding a little overwhelmed. He heard a beep and looked down, "Crap." He pulled off his pager and looked down at Meredith, "Mer, I'm so sorry. I know, it's the night before our wedding, but I'm not on leave until-"

"It's fine," Meredith jumped in with a convincing tone, "I understand. I am a doctor to you know?"

"I know, I'm sorry," he said as he grabbed his jacket and bent down to kiss Meredith, "I'll get in there and see if Derek can take the case or something."

Meredith's smile disappeared when Derek's name entered the conversation. She looked down before recovering and then looked back up at Ryan, "Okay, take your time. It's okay if you do have to go into surgery.

"I love you, Meri," he said kissing her again. "I'll see you as soon as I can," Ryan said as he turned and walked out.


	37. Fools In Love: Chapter 36

_This Chapter involves the lyrics to the song Kissing You by Sade. I seriously suggest that you find it on Youtube ot Myspace. They also used it in Romeo and Juliet (the one with Leonardo DiCaprio) so that may be a way to find it. Seriously, you should. The song is self adds so much more than just the lyrics. Sade's voice is a powerful thing..._

_I'm not kidding. You'll regret it if you don't!_

_And thanks for reading and not killing me for keeping Meredith and Derek apart! I hope you guys keep enjoying it!

* * *

_

**Part 3: Fools In Love  
**Chapter 36

Less than an hour later, Meredith was thankfully on her way home. Everything that had happened in the last few hours kept running through her head. She watched all her friends walk down the aisle before her and then she had to follow, leading towards Ryan. It looked right. Like that was the way Meredith's life was supposed to be. Even the rehearsal dinner was perfect. No surprises. No sudden outbursts of emotion. Just typical: typical and happy. The life Meredith wanted.

She pulled into her empty driveway and turned off her car. She pulled off the seatbelt and got out of the car. As she walked up to her door, she heard the grass crunch under weight. She froze, not completely wanting to know what was behind her. She closed her eyes, hoping that she'd just disappear as fearful thoughts ran through her head.

Her senses cooled the second she heard a quiet whisper. It was completely impossible to hear for anyone else, but it rang through her head like a thousand ringing bells. She turned on her heels and pushed the hair out of her face before looking in front of her.

There he was. He was wearing an off-white sweater with a red jacket over it. He had on deep jean pants, his hands tucked in the pockets. His hair was smooth and perfect as always, leading her eyes to his, but she stopped it. She refused to look into his eyes. There he was. Derek Shepherd.

He tilted his head a little, just as he always did when he was looking directly at her. Meredith expected a small smile to play on his lips like it always had, but there wasn't a hint of happiness in his facade.

"Meredith." It was barely a whisper, just as before, but it seemed so much louder. It didn't roll of his lips backed by his charm this time. It was different. Everything about this situation was different. His demeanor wasn't uplifting, charming, or happy. There was something about him. Meredith couldn't figure it out, but in that moment, he wasn't Derek.

_Pride can stand a thousand trials  
The strong will never fall  
But watching stars without you  
My soul cries_

When he took a step closer to her, Meredith didn't even process it fast enough to react. She just stayed where she was, only swaying a little in the wind. He took another step, allowing the moonlight to catch his face in a way that made Meredith weak. As her eyes stared at him intently, she could see one of his fists clenching in frustration, before finally relaxing. She looked back up at his face and saw a single tear roll down his cheek.

Meredith's heart broke. It just fell apart in to the tiny pieces that it fell to over eight years ago. Only this time, it wasn't because Derek was hurt her; she was hurting him. Her blue eyes became grayer as emotions ran through her body faster than she could recognize them.

He reached out to touch her arm, but she flinched and he pulled back. She looked down, almost ashamed, before looking back up at his hurt face. "Derek, I'm getting married tomorrow."

Meredith hadn't thought before she said it. The words had been running through her head and they just fell out of her mouth. Instantly, he seemed to emotionally pull back, the pain becoming more evident in his expression. She couldn't believe that she'd actually said that.

Derek's fist clenched again at his side as he closed his eyes momentarily. He looked off to the side, unable to look at her without falling apart. He pulled himself together the best he could and mustered a small response, "I know."

_Heaving heart is full of pain  
Oooh, oooh, the aching  
'Cause I'm kissing you, oooh  
I'm kissing you, oooh_

Those two words were laced with meanings that they both understood. Meredith felt tears welding up in her eyes, but she was going to be strong. She didn't want to fall apart. She wanted to prove to herself and everyone else that she could do this. That Derek couldn't make her fall just by looking at her. But right now, he wasn't even doing that.

The look that ran across Derek's face showed decisiveness. He'd made some time of decision and Meredith wasn't sure if that was good or not. He took a step closer to her and ideas ran through her head. She tucked a loose strain of hair behind her ear as she dejectedly shook her head, "Derek, we can't do this."

"Meredith," he whispered one more time, looking up into her eyes again. There were fresh tears in his eyes, mirroring her own.

_Touch me deep, pure and true  
Give to me forever  
'Cause I'm kissing you, oooh  
I'm kissing you, oooh_

She looked down as thoughts ran through her head. She couldn't handle this. Her weaknesses were falling into place and she knew she couldn't handle this. Not right now. She was trying desperately to be strong, but Derek was doing everything without doing anything. Everything she wanted him to do, but didn't want at the exact same time. Everything was swirling around in her head, too fast. She couldn't handle it.

"Meredith," he pleaded one more time. She looked back up to him, seeing those teary blue eyes again. This wasn't the Derek that she knew so well or the Derek that she had fallen in love with so long ago. This was broken Derek.

"Derek I-" Meredith started, but cut herself off as he took one more step, making them inches apart. Her words caught in her throat as vulnerability took over her.

"One more time," Derek whispered as he wrapped his hand around her neck and caught her lips in his own, both of them letting their tears go.

_Where are you now  
Where are you now  
'Cause I'm kissing you  
I'm kissing you, oooh_


	38. Fools In Love: Chapter 37

**Part 3: Fools In Love  
**Chapter 37

_So denied  
So I lied  
Are you the now or never kind  
In a day  
And a day love  
I'm gonna be gone for good again  
Are you willing  
To be had  
Are you cool  
With just tonight_

The kiss turned desperate as Derek wrapped his arms around Meredith, pulling her close until every part of their bodies were touching. He didn't want to let go, ever. He'd never wanted to take his arms off of her, or his lips for that matter.

Meredith didn't know what she was doing. By know, she'd lost all sense of her mind. All she could do was feel Derek and everything he was doing to her so quickly. She didn't know what was happening or what was going to happen, but right now, it didn't really matter to her. Derek made her forget all about all the consequences of what they were doing.

Here's a toast  
To all those who here me all too well  
Here's to the nights  
We felt alive  
Here's to the tears  
You knew you'd cry  
Here's to goodbye  
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

Derek slowly moved with Meredith wrapped in his arms, leading her into the house. He didn't really have to think about what he was doing. It seemed like a habit. It seemed natural to lead her up the stairs of her house to the guest bedroom that they'd already made memories in. It seemed natural and right.  
_  
Put your name  
On the line  
Along with place and time  
Wanna stay  
Not to go  
I wanna ditch the logical_

The kisses felt perfect, but there was something lingering between them that they could both notice. They were full of sadness, regret, and pain. Usually the pain would be fixed just by the kiss, but both of them knew that this wasn't going any farther than tonight. Meredith was getting married tomorrow.

_Here's a toast  
To all those who here me all too well  
Here's to the nights  
We felt alive  
Here's to the tears  
You knew you'd cry  
Here's to goodbye  
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon  
_

Despite the facts of the situation and of infidelity, Derek and Meredith began to discard their clothes, just as they had a few months ago. But still, despite all of the similarities, everything was different this time. The cloud of avoidance and denial was barely hovering over them and they were going to have to admit to things soon.

As those thoughts ran through Meredith's head, she pulled away. By now, Derek was on top of her, but he noticed immediately. As they moved away, Derek looked down at her, his blue eyes still visibly full of pain.

"Derek... we... we can't do… this," she whispered.

Derek's face fell, their foreheads barely touching, his hot breathe on her neck. He knew this wasn't going to last, but he didn't want to end this soon. Still, this was his fault. If she didn't want this, he wasn't going to force her into it. He pulled himself off of her, but her arm grabbed him and stopped him. He turned his face back towards her, their eyes looking directly at each other.  
_  
All my time is froze in motion  
Can't I stay an hour or two or more_

Derek looked at her, seeing every emotion she was feeling at that time. All of her defense mechanisms had been abandoned. This was Meredith. Nothing was covering any of her up, both literally and figuratively. He looked at her in confusion and she knew it. When she didn't move her arm or her eyes, Derek let his body relax on the mattress next to her, looking at her expectantly.

Meredith looked over at him; fighting back so many things inside of her, "Don't leave. Not yet," she whispered.

Derek's forehead wrinkled some in thought, but he decided his mind hadn't done him that much good in the past and he wasn't going to use it now. He just wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close to him. His face was buried in her hair, taking in her scent as she stared out the window at the moonlight. Both of their hearts were breaking, but they didn't know how to fix it.  
_  
Don't let me let you go  
Don't let me let you go_

Meredith tried to fall asleep the best she could. She didn't want to lie awake and think. All she wanted was to fall asleep in Derek's arms, one more time. But she knew, the second she fell asleep, her wedding day would come that much faster. That part, she wasn't as excited about.  
_  
Here's a toast  
To all those who here me all too well  
Here's to the nights  
We felt alive  
Here's to the tears  
You knew you'd cry  
Here's to goodbye  
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon  
Too soon_

An hour past, but no one moved and not a word was said. There seemed to be a silent alliance to not inflict any more pain or try to fix anything. They both knew that fixing things only caused more problems. They knew they were making their last memory and that they both would hold on to it. Big things were going to happen tomorrow, things that would change both of their lives forever. But memories, memories are the one thing that would never change.

_Here's to the nights we felt alive  
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry  
Here's to goodbye  
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon_

_

* * *

Here's To The Night by Eve 6. Great song, slightly sad chapter.._


	39. Fools In Love: Chapter 38

**Part 3: Fools In Love  
**Chapter 38

**Friday October 18, 2013-**

Meredith opened her eyes, the sun already up and shining. As her senses came back to her, she almost immediately could tell that she was alone. She sat up, waiting for him to walk in, just like last time. A few minutes passed and nothing happened.

She slowly moved over to the side off the bed, swinging her legs over so they touched the ground. She still wasn't completely sure what to think. She looked around and saw a piece of paper on the nightstand. She knew he would leave a note. He always did.

_Meredith,_

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry about everything. I shouldn't have come last night. It was selfish. I should have just let you be happy a long time ago instead of messing up your life constantly. Just be happy. When you walk down that aisle today, wear a smile because you deserve to be nothing but happy on your wedding day. Don't let me mess up anything else for you. I've known Ryan for a long time and even though we lost touch, I know how he is. He loves you more than he has ever cared about a woman before. He loves you in the way you deserve to be loved and he treats you right. Marry him full heartedly because I know he isn't going in any other way. Live your life and take advantage of everything so that beautiful smile is always on your face. Be happy. Just do that for me, okay? No, don't. Do it for yourself. You deserve it and so much more. And I'm not going to come in the way of you being happy ever again. You deserve at least that from me._

_Derek_

Meredith swallowed hard, holding back the tears in her eyes. She folded up the paper and stood up. She looked around the room and began to walk to the door. Before she left, something caught her eye. She walked back over to the bed and bent down, picking something out from under it.

She sat back down on the bed as she looked at it. It was an envelope with her name written on it in recognizable handwriting. She gently pulled the envelope open and took out the folded piece of paper. As she opened it, she looked up at the date. She found it funny that he always dated everything, but it was the doctor that he had in him after doing so much paperwork at work. It was dated Wednesday June 19th, 2013. That was the day he left her. This was the note he'd left her. The note that she thought Ryan had found.

Meredith looked at the paper and the slick black ink against it. She read every word carefully before folding it back up and placing it back in the envelope. She picked up both of the letters and walked out of the room, closing the door, without a look behind her.

As she walked into her bedroom, she noticed her cell phone on the dresser. She picked it up and looked at the flashing light, indicating missed calls and messages. She called her voicemail and put the phone to her ear as she sat down on her made bed.

"Hey, Mer. It's Ryan. I just got out of surgery. There is an accident right in front of the hospital. No one is seriously injured, but there is serious traffic. I'll fall asleep before I get out of here, so I'm going to crash in the on-call room. I hate to do this to you, especially the night before our wedding, but I'll be all yours for the next two weeks, and for the rest of our lives. Call me when you wake up, baby. I love you."

Meredith looked guilty down at her hands, still holding on to Derek's written words. She waited for a second before the second message began to play.

"Meredith, where the hell are you? It is one o'clock in the afternoon! I am serious, Meredith. You have a hair appointment, a make-up appointment, and a nail appointment, not to mention, um, a WEDDING! I don't know what the hell you are doing, but you better show up at this boutique before Cristina shoots the place up, and it's Friday so there are a bunch of rich little preps here, so trust me, you don't have much time."

As the message ended, Meredith looked over at the clock and realized how late it was. Apparently she did get the best rest when she was with Derek. She sighed and dropped her phone and the letters down on the smooth comforter before forcing herself to get up. She knew her first appointment was at one and she was already late, but she had to make herself look decent. After all, it is her wedding day.


	40. Fools In Love: Chapter 39

_Once again, sorry the chapter is so short! I hate when I have to do this, but this is the only way it'll work_!

* * *

**Part 3: Fools In Love  
**Chapter 39

"You look beautiful Mer," Izzie said as she looked at Meredith through the mirror in front of them. "Let me just go and get your veil."

"Actually, Iz," Meredith said turning around and looking at Izzie, "Ryan's Mom wants the bridesmaids out there. Go ahead and I'll come out right before its time," Meredith said, "I don't want anyone to see me. Especially Ryan, it's bad luck."

"You sure?" Izzie asked.

"Yeah," Meredith said with a smile before looking down at the fluffy white skirt around her petit body.

"Everything is going to be okay," Izzie said, as if she could read her mind, before heading over to the door.

"Everything already is," Meredith answered, hoping to give Iz some type of hope, even if it was false.


	41. Fools In Love: Chapter 40

**Part 3: Fools In Love  
**Chapter 40

_Fools in love, well are there any other kind of lovers?  
Fools in love, is there any other kind of pain?_

Derek gripped his steering wheel, not completely wanting to turn on the ignition. He looked through the windshield at a large, beautiful house. The first day he came, he'd been so excited to see it, but since then, he's avoided it. It was too painful, now.

_Everything you do, everywhere you go now  
Everything you touch, everything you feel  
Everything you see, everything you know now  
Everything you do, you do it for your lady  
Love your lady, love your lady  
Love your lady, love..._

He knew it was stupid to buy it when he did, but that didn't stop him. It had a porch on the front, brick and stone mixed for the exterior, separated by large windows. It was two-stories, five bedrooms. Basically, it was huge. He felt overwhelmed and lonely just imagining the empty, hallow halls, but he had expected for Meredith's spirits to fill it. Despite the fact that she never stepped inside of it or even knew it existed, her face reflected from it to him. He knew he'd have to get rid of it.

_Fools in love, are there any creatures more pathetic?  
Fools in love, never knowing when they've lost the game_

If it weren't for the job he'd just taken, he would leave Seattle right now. Once his contract was up, he was gone. He didn't want to have to watch Meredith with Ryan, especially knowing that they were forever together. Till death do they part.

_Everything you do, everywhere you go now  
Everything you touch, everything you feel  
Everything you see, everything you know now  
Everything you do, you do it for your lady  
Love your lady, love your lady  
Love your lady, love..._

He gripped the steering wheel tighter, just thinking about the wedding that was going on right now. He looked over at the seat next to him and down at his briefcase. On top of it was the lavender invitation, staring at him, mocking him. He wanted to throw it out the window, but something willed him against it. Maybe it was the same thing that finally forced him to turn the car on.

_Fools in love they think they're heroes  
'Cause they get to feel no pain  
I say fools in love are zeros  
I should know, I should know  
Because this fool's in love again_

Once he was on the main road, he made a promise to never go back to that house. When he went to sell it, he'd have a realtor deal with it all. He didn't want anything to do with it: not anymore.

He drove around Seattle, stopping only for red lights, no idea where he was going. After all, where in the world would he? This was the reason he'd left Seattle to begin with. Everything reminded him of Meredith. It didn't matter whether there was a memory attached or not. She was everywhere.

_Fools in love, gently hold each others hands forever  
Fools in love, gently tear each other limb from limb_

Derek thought back to this morning and forced himself to keep his emotions inside. When he woke up to her scent, he thought for a moment that everything that had happened since he came back was a dream. He thought that maybe, just maybe, everything was going to be okay. But then he realized that this is reality and his happiness doesn't tend to mix with reality.

_Everything you do, everywhere you go now  
Everything you touch, everything you feel  
Everything you do, even your rock 'n' roll now  
Nothing mean a thing except you and your lady  
Love your lady, love your lady  
Love your lady, love..._

He pressed down on the brake as a red light appeared before him. He impatiently waited as the other cars went by, rhythmically tapping his thumb against the smooth leather. Against his will, his eyes turned back to the invitation. He looked over the words, leaving them dancing around his mind. Until two contradictions overthrew them: Meredith Shepherd and Meredith Dawson.

_Fools in love they think they're heroes  
'Cause they get to feel no pain_

As the light turned green, he stepped on his gas petal, but swerved out of his line, turning down another street. A new energy had woken inside of him, sending his heart racing as his speed picked up. He knew he'd probably be pulled over, but this second, he didn't care. Too many other things were more important.

The familiar view of the Ritz Carlton came into his line of vision. He made a sharp turn into the parking lot and drove past the entrance. People were walking out of the doors; more interested in their conversations then anything else.

Derek scanned the people and saw the familiar faces of Izzie, Cristina, George, and Hillary. He saw a close open parking spot and pulled into it. He turned off the engine and sat back in his seat, things running through his mind. They were all leaving. It had already happened. He was too late.

_I say fools in love are zeros  
I should know, I should know_

Derek closed his eyes and let the harsh reality hit him until something hit his window. He opened his eyes again and looked out the window, surprised at the woman looking back at him. He opened his door and looked at her pathetically, waiting for what she had to say.

_Because this fool's in love again_

She looked him directly in his eyes. They were both clouded and full of many emotions. She opened her mouth to say something, but stopped herself. "Derek, she's not here."

His head fell slightly, but didn't show much emotion anymore. It was blank, as if he had no idea what was going on around him. He sighed, looked up at the sky and shut his door. He pulled out of the parking lot and left, without another word.


	42. Fools In Love: Chapter 41

**Part 3: Fools In Love  
**Chapter 41

Meredith looked at herself in the mirror, seeing everything in her mind. All of her thoughts, doubts, fears, and memories were laid out before her eyes and she still made herself deny most of them. There was no possible way that she was afraid of a life with Ryan, one without Derek. After all, that was what the last five years had been. It just didn't make sense for her to be afraid of something she'd already been doing.

Meredith's mind went back to the night before. Derek had been there. He always seemed to show up in the times that she needed him the most, but wanted him the least. That was who Derek was. It was his way of keeping her attached to his life. Only, she didn't want to be attached to anyone anymore.

She stood up and walked over to the other side of the room, picking up her purse and pulling the letters out from the pocket. She unfolded the sheet of paper from this morning as her eyes ran across it.

Live your life and take advantage of everything so that beautiful smile is always on your face.

Who was she kidding? It wasn't his fault that he was like her oxygen. She needed him to breath, to function, to live. She just didn't want to believe it. She didn't want to believe that he was actually gone either. But with those words before her, she couldn't deny it anymore.

And I'm not going to come in the way of you being happy ever again. You deserve at least that from me.

Meredith folded the letter once again, admitting to herself that she'd lost him. She looked in the mirror again and saw a bride. Only, she didn't want to be a bride. She didn't want to be Ryan's wife and she knew if he knew all the facts, he wouldn't her to be his bride either.

_Call you up in the middle of the night  
Like a firefly without a light  
You were there like a slow torch burning  
I was a key that could use a little turning_

Meredith looked down at her dress and all of its details. She loved it, but she didn't belong in it. She looked back up at the mirror and pulled the clips out of her curled hair, letting it cascade down her shoulders. As she did, memories flew before her face and a tear rolled down her cheek. She was going to let it all go.

_So tired that I couldn't even sleep  
So many secrets I couldn't keep  
Promised myself I wouldn't weep  
One more promise I couldn't keep_

As she unzipped her dress, she let every tear she'd been holding back for longer than she could remember fall. She cried for everything. For the time she'd lost with Derek over the years, for the pain she'd felt, for the pain Ryan was going to feel, and for the pain she knew she and Derek would share for a lifetime. She cried for the happiness she didn't think she'd ever find and the love she knew would never return.

_It seems no one can help me now  
I'm in too deep  
There's no way out  
This time I have really led myself astray_

She slipped the dress off her shoulders, realizing all the things she'd done. She'd complicated her life so much more than it ever needed to be. She shouldn't have run away all those years ago. Looking back, her logic didn't make sense. Derek had been in Seattle, for her and only her, but she left anyways.

_Runaway train never going back  
Wrong way on a one way track  
Seems like I should be getting somewhere  
Somehow I'm neither here no there_

But now, it was different. Derek was gone. To him, she was Dr. Meredith Dawson. And to his knowledge, she'd be that person for the rest of his life. But she would have to move on knowing that he probably wouldn't. She was going to have to move on without him or the chance of ever being with him again.

_Can you help me remember how to smile  
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile  
How on earth did I get so jaded  
Life's mystery seems so faded_

Meredith slipped off the rest of the dress and hung it up delicately. She pulled on her jeans and sweater from earlier, happy to be Meredith Grey again. Just Meredith Grey. And she planned to stay that way for the rest of her life: the girl who was broken.

_I can go where no one else can go  
I know what no one else knows  
Here I am just drownin' in the rain  
With a ticket for a runaway train_

She'd looked at herself in the mirror again, once again coming face to face with all of he own realities. But this time, she didn't deny them. She let them soak in. Everything. All of her insecurities and memories that she'd pushed away and refused to believe were real. She faced it all.

_Everything is cut and dry  
Day and night, earth and sky  
Somehow I just don't believe it_

And yet, she still couldn't figure out how she got in this position. Looking back to who she was the day she went to the mixer for Seattle Grace, she would have laughed at anyone who told her that she was about to meet a man who would haunt her for the rest of her life. Honestly, she probably would have laughed if someone had told her she would date that man for two months. The falling in love part would have just been purely out of the question.

_Runaway train never going back  
Wrong way on a one way track  
Seems like I should be getting somewhere  
Somehow I'm neither here no there_

Looking back towards her wedding dress, she made a decision. She grabbed her purse and opened the door just enough for her to stick out her head and see if anyone she knew was in the hall. When she saw no one, she slipped out the door and down the hall.

_Bought a ticket for a runaway train  
Like a madman laughin' at the rain  
Little out of touch, little insane  
Just easier than dealing with the pain_

When she was finally was out in the sunshine, she wanted to look around, but quickly got into Izzie's car. She would have taken her own, but it was Izzie's fault for picking her up. When she finally felt safe enough, she looked around at the entrance to the hotel and saw more people she recognized walk in for the wedding. The wedding that they yet to know wasn't happening.

_Runaway train never going back  
Wrong way on a one way track  
Seems like I should be getting somewhere  
Somehow I'm neither here no there_

She jammed the keys into the ignition and pulled out of the parking lot. She headed home and left Izzie's car, taking her own along with some of her own belongings. She knew she was about to leave just about everything she'd worked for in the past eight years behind, but there were some things that she didn't want to leave behind, some things she wanted to keep as a secret for herself. She wanted to keep it a secret that her heart, did in fact still belong to Derek Shepherd.

_Runaway train never comin' back  
Runaway train tearin' up the track  
Runaway train burnin' in my veins  
Runaway but it always seems the same_


	43. Runaway Train: Chapter 42

**Part 4: Runaway Train**  
Chapter 42

"Derek, for the life of me, I can't understand why in the world you'd want to sell a gorgeous house that you just bought, but we already have three bids on it," the women said as she stacked her files carefully and sat them off to the side of her desk. "You just bought the house. You paid an arm and a leg for it. It's gorgeous, huge, along a lake, probably the best house in Seattle and you are willing to give it up for a nickel?"

Derek sat back in his chair, "I just want it out of my life."

She eyed him carefully, "Derek, I've known for you for a long time. I'm really glad you've decided to come back to Seattle and all, but what is going on?"

"Marissa, I came here because you are a realtor not a psychiatrist," he said flatly.

"Well then, maybe you should go to a psychiatrist," she said crossing her arms.

"No. I just need to finish out my contract and then get the hell out of Seattle. Maybe I'll go to England or Italy. I don't really care. Just not here," Derek said, his voice weakening as it went on.

Marissa's brows furrowed slightly, "Derek, really, are you okay?"

Derek stood up and straightened out his jacket, "No. But I will be once I get wherever I'm going."

Before she could react, his hand was on the door. He stopped and looked back, "Just give the house to the highest bidder. Fax me the papers. I don't really care who gets it." Without another word, he walked out, leaving one more memory of Meredith behind.

* * *

**Wednesday October 23, 2013-**

"Derek, how are you feeling? I was told you were ill?" Richard asked after catching up with Derek.

"Yeah, I'm much better now," Derek said, sound distracted, "Just some bug."

"Well, it's good to have you back," Richard responded. "Oh, and I have a case I need you on with Dr. Dawson."

Derek's eyes shot up towards the Chief, "Really, Richard, I'm swamped as it is right now and I have to catch up on some paperwork. Give the case to Dr. Gre- I mean the other Dr. Dawson."

Richard eyed Derek funny, "Derek, I think you missed a few things."

"Yeah, I did." Derek said dropped the chart he'd been holding on to the nurse's station, "I missed the part when I could've stopped it." Derek turned around and hurried down the hall, not letting Richard say anything else.

* * *

**Wednesday October 23, 2013-**

Meredith placed down her fourth shot glass, as the vacant seat next to her became occupied. "No one was sitting here, were they?" the man asked.

Meredith didn't even bother to look over at him. "No," she said dully as she waved the bartender over, "Three more."

"Straight tequila? Surprising for a girl your size," the man said as he took a sip of the beer placed in front of him.

"Yeah, well, I have plenty of baggage that it can block out for me," she said taking another shot.

"You are going to be regretting this in the morning," he said with a little bit of a chuckle in his voice.

"I'm always regretting things in the morning," Meredith answered, taking another shot.

"The name's Sam." Meredith lazily turned her head and noticed his outstretched hand. She looked up at him and saw beautiful deep brown eyes and dark hair.

She gave him a small smile as she took his hand, "Meredith."

"Nice name," he said.

Meredith turned back to her tequila and took another shot, "Don't bother. I'm not going home with you. I don't want anything to do with boys. Boys are stupid."

He laughed again, "More tequila?" he asked, but ordered her more before she could answer. "You from around here?"

"Nope," she answered, her eyes faced ahead of her again, "Seattle."

"Then what are you doing here?" he asked.

Meredith laughed a little, "Avoiding. It's what I do best."

"I'm guessing that's why you refuse to make eye contact with me," he answered.

"Probably," she said as she took another shot.

He finished off his beer before turning back towards her, "You might want to trade in your shot glasses for something else. It's getting late and you aren't from around here. You don't want to end up going home with someone despite your intentions."

Meredith turned her head towards him again, "What, are you planning something?"

"Nope," he said trying to look innocent, "Just looking out for you."

"Now why would you do that?" Meredith asked.

"Because you look like someone who could use some looking after," he answered receiving a vulnerable look from Meredith, which she quickly recovered from by turning away and taking another shot.

* * *

Derek looked at the computer before typing in a few things. He was in a generally pissed off mood. Despite his reasons, Dr. Webber forced him on this case. He found it generally cruel and mean, but apparently Dr. Webber didn't care. 

"Here's the case."

Derek looked up as the thick folder slammed against the keyboard, sending a jolt of random letters into the computer. Derek seriously wasn't in the mood for this. "Can I help you, Dr. Dawson?"

"Yeah, actually, you can," Ryan said bitterly. "You could tell me where Meredith is."

Derek stood up, "Why the hell would I know where your wife is?"

"What are you just trying to shove it in my face or something?" Ryan asked, pissed off.

"What are you talking about?"

"Forget it," Ryan said before turning around and heading down the hall.

Derek's eyes followed him confused. What the hell was he talking about?

* * *

"You have secret pain, don't you?" Sam asked.

"Don't sound so concerned," she said, ordering a beer

"It's more obvious then you may think," he answered.

"Oh yeah, now not only am I the Queen of people with horrible lifes, but it is also painfully obvious. Thanks. That really made my day," she said sarcastically.

"You really aren't a happy person are you?" he asked.

She turned her head over to him again, "I just left my fiancé at the alter."

"Cold feet?" he asked.

"Nope," she said taking a sip of her beer, "Didn't love him. I'm actually in love with someone else. Who I found out used to be his best friend."

"You are the Queen of people with horrible lifes."

"Thanks," she said sarcastically.

"Look," he said as he stood up, "It's getting late, want a ride to your hotel room?"

"Don't have one," she answered finishing her beer, "I'm currently living out of my car."

He laughed, "That's sad," he said, "I have an extra room if you need a place to stay."

"I'm not going home with you," she answered.

"I know. It's not my place. I'm just renting it," he answered dropping down a few bills to pay for their drinks, "You coming?" She looked down at her drinks and then back up at him, "Come on, do you seriously think I'd make a move on someone as screwed up in the head as you?"

"That's really the exact way to get someone to go home with you," Meredith said as she stood up.

"Well, its working isn't it?" he asked as she rummaged through her purse for some money, "Don't worry, I've got it."

She closed her purse and put it around her arm, "Thanks."

"Your welcome," he said as he placed his hand on her lower back and led her out of the bar.

* * *

"Dr. Stevens," Derek said, stopping Izzie and pulling her into the stairwell.

"Dr. Shepherd?" she asked, thoroughly confused and a little freaked out.

"What did I miss?" Derek asked.

"You don't know, do you?" Izzie asked, her voice softening.

"Know what?" Derek asked, getting impatient.

"I saw Aunt Hil talking you, so I just, I figured that you already knew and-"

"Izzie, get to the point," Derek said cutting her off.

"Derek, she ran."

Derek looked at her slightly astonished. "She what?"

"She ran. I left her to go check on some things and I came back and she was gone. She had her dress on and everything, but when I came back it was hanging up with her veil next to it," she said.

"Where is she?" Derek asked, his voice showing his disbelief.

"I was hoping you might know that," Izzie answered.

"You mean she hasn't talked to anyone?" Derek asked.

"Nope. Five days have gone and no one has heard from her. She didn't even really take much, just some clothes and a box that she never let anyone see inside of. Not even a note for Ryan or anything," Izzie said.

"Thanks, Iz," Derek said, "I, I have to go." Derek turned to leave, but Izzie stopped him.

"You're going to go after her, right?"

"How?" Derek asked, "I don't know where she went."

"Find out," Izzie ordered before pushing past him and out the door.

* * *

"Nice apartment," Meredith said as she walked in.

Sam closed the door and dropped his keys on a table, "The guest room is just down the hall if you want to put down your jacket or something."

"Thanks," Meredith said as she followed the direction he'd pointed in.

"You want something to eat?" he called out to her.

"No, I'm alright!" she called back to him.

"You sure?" he said again as he examined his refrigerator.

"Yeah," she said after coming back into the kitchen, "This is, well, this is really nice of you. I mean you don't even know me. I could be some crazy women, but you're still doing this."

He closed the door and looked over at her, "Well, I could be some rapist, but you still came. Besides, I already know you're crazy. Dark and twisted, I'm guessing, but who isn't, nowadays?"

"Good point," she said with a small smile as she leaned against the small island in the kitchen.

"So, why were you marrying some guy that you didn't love?" he asked as he pushed a coke over at her, "You've had enough alcohol."

She smiled and took the soda, "Thanks. And I thought we already established that I'm crazy."

"Well, I could be considered crazy too for letting you stay here, yet, my name isn't written on a wedding cake somewhere."

Meredith smiled, "Because, life sucks. And it gets the way, of, well, everything else."

"Everything else?" he asked, not following.

"Emotions and feelings and complications."

"I think the avoidance is what gets in the way of all that," he answered as he leaned against the opposite side of the counter and took a swig of his coke.

Meredith eyed him, "You know, if I wanted a counselor, I would have gotten one if Seattle."

"Well, sucks for you that you came home with a psychiatrist."

"You're a psychiatrist?" Meredith asked, trying to stifle her laugh.

"No, I'm not, but I think I could be. I'd be a good psychiatrist, don't ya think?" he asked.

"Sure," she answered.

"Yup, my diagnosis is that you are crazy and probably should be locked up."

"Oh, thanks. Definitely a confidence booster," she answered as she pushed herself off the island and walked over to the couch, taking a seat.

"Yes, Meredith. You can sit down," Sam said sarcastically under his breath.

Meredith rolled her eyes, "What? Did you expect me to sleep standing up?"

"Possibly," he answered as he walked over and took a seat next to her. "So really, how did you screw your life up so much?"

"Why are you so interested?" Meredith asked.

"This is your method of avoidance isn't it?"

Meredith glared at him, "Shut up."

"Just answer the question," Sam persisted.

"Ryan, that's my fiancé, or, was my fiancé. I don't know. Anyways, Ryan, he loved me. And he never hurt me and he's been there for the past five years. Then there's Derek. He hasn't been there. He's hurt me, but he came back and he loves me. And I love him, but he left again because he thought it was what I wanted," she explained, trying to keep her emotions intact.

"Wow. You are the Queen of people with horrible lifes," Sam said before Meredith picked up a pillow and threw it at his face, throwing them both into a fit of laughter.

* * *

**Thursday October 24, 2013- **

"What are you doing?"

"Waiting for you."

"Why?" Cristina asked looking up from a chart, obviously annoyed.

"Because I needed to talk to you."

Cristina rolled her eyes, "Okay, seriously McDreamy, just spit it out before I have to go vomit or something because of that thing you think is a charm."

"Okay, fine," Derek said straightening up and doing is best to look professional, "Dr. Yang, I was wondering if you'd heard from Dr. Grey."

Cristina rolled her eyes again, "No and if I had, would I seriously tell you?"

"Possibly."

"Nope, wrong answer," Cristina said as she placed the chart on a cart filled with others, "I wouldn't. Want to know why? Because it's your fault she's not here. Once again, it's your fault that she is gone. So wipe that smirk off your face and think about that for a moment."

Derek watched as Cristina went down the hall pissed off. He hadn't really thought about her reason to leave. His only focus was on where in the world she went. He never realized that once again, it was her fault. He had promised that he would never come in the way of her happiness again, yet, he did. She left everything behind, again. She even left him.


	44. Runaway Train: Chapter 43

**Part 4: Runaway Train**  
Chapter 43 

Meredith opened her eyes and immediately became confused. She looked around the room and had no idea where she was. As she slowly sat up, it all started coming back to her. Except for how she got to bed. That was still a little fuzzy. She tried to stand up, but the room started to spin and her head began to pound. "Great, hang over," she mumbled as she collapsed back into bed and tried to sleep it off.

* * *

"Meredith? Meredith? It's noon, you might want to get up," Sam said as he walked into her room.

She rolled over before opening her eyes and meeting his. He smiled at her and handed her a glass of water and some aspirin. She sat up and took the medicine and handed him the water back before saying another word.

"I'll let you rest. Just call me if you need anything," Sam said before walking out of her room and closing the door behind him.

Meredith smiled. She hadn't been taken care of in a long time. Whenever she got drunk at home, Ryan would help her to bed, but he'd be gone before she ever woke up. Then she'd have to deal with everything herself.

Meredith pulled herself out of bed and walked out into the kitchen. Sam slid a cup of coffee over to her, which she took gratefully. "You don't have any clothes do you?" he asked, looking at her outfit, which was the same yesterday.

"I do, just in my car. Which happens to still be at the bar," Meredith answered.

"We can go pick that up later," Sam said as he opened his newspaper and leaned back in the kitchen chair to read it.

Meredith moved over from the kitchen island to the small table and sat across from him, "So, what's your story?"

"I don't have a story," Sam answered without looking at her.

"Everyone has a story. I told you mine, now you have to tell me yours. It's only fair," Meredith said as she sipped her coffee.

Sam folded his paper and looked down at her, "You didn't tell me your story. You told me some random little facts. You left out all of the feelings, emotions, and complications that you think get in the way. Tell me all that, then I'll tell you my story." He picked up another section of the newspaper and opened it in front of him.

"Why should I tell you all that? I don't know you. I don't even know your last name."

"Yet you are in my apartment," he answered.

"I thought this wasn't your apartment."

"It isn't, but it's more mine than it is yours," he answered as he picked up his coffee cup and took a sip.

"Seriously, why do you want to know so much?" Meredith asked.

"I told you, I'm a psychiatrist."

"Do you ever answer questions without sarcasm or jokes and lies?" Meredith asked.

"Nope," he answered before closing the paper again and looking over at her, straight in the eyes. "Look, you just look like the kind of girl that everyone thinks is fine all the time. You are obviously not fine, but you are still putting up this wall of fineness. Someone's gotta break through it, why not me?"

"I don't know," Meredith answered before drinking more coffee, her eyes never leaving his.

* * *

"Derek, what are you doing?" Marissa asked after Derek barged into her office.

"I need my house back," Derek answered.

She raised her eyebrow, "You know, I always knew you were a little on the insane side, but lately, something has gotten into you."

"I just need my house," Derek repeated.

"Care to tell me why?" Marissa asked.

"She, she didn't get married. She has nowhere to go so I don't even know where she is, but when I find her, I want her to know she has a place she belongs," Derek explained desperately.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Marissa asked, completely lost.

"Never mind, I just need my house."

Marissa stood up, "Who is this girl? Is this that girl you left Addison and McKenzie for? And you still don't have her? Either she's crazy or you are an idiot."

"Marissa, just tell me that you haven't sold the house yet," Derek said sounding desperate.

"No, I haven't finalized anything yet," she answered. "You're lucky. I was just about to. Now you owe me an explanation."

"I can give you one later, just not right now," Derek said before rushing out of the office.

* * *

"What is a guy like you doing single?" Meredith asked as she placed her empty mug in the sink.

"I thought we established that you have to break down your boundaries before I do," Sam said as he placed the dirty dishes from their breakfast in the sink as well.

"Little by little. I give you a little, you give me a little. It's fair and polite," Meredith answered.

He smiled, "Fine. I was married. For nine years. I've been divorced for three. My ex-wife has custody of my kid," he answered.

Meredith was a little taken back, "I'm so sorry."

"No, it's alright. Whenever I'm in town she lets me see Nichole, my daughter. She's not bad about it or anything. She lets Nichole call me and stuff too," Sam answered, "I just travel a lot for work so the judge didn't think I would provide a stable environment for her or whatever."

"That sucks," Meredith said quietly.

"Yeah, yeah it does," Sam said with a different demeanor then he usually spoke.

"Looks like you're a little dark and twisty too."

Sam laughed, "I guess I am, Meredith."

* * *

"Richard, she's going to call. One thing she'll do is protect her career. She'll either ask for time off or for a transfer. She cares too much about being a doctor to not," Derek said sitting in the Chief's office.

"Derek, I can not help you with this," Richard responded.

"But you'll tell Ryan where she is?" Derek asked, getting angry.

"No, I'll respect Dr. Grey's privacy. I will keep the information that she entrusts in me to myself," Richard answered forcefully.

"You can't grant her a transfer."

"I can and if she has an adequate reason, I will do so," Richard said.

Derek stood up, "So running away from her life would qualify as an adequate reason?"

Richard stood up and matched his eye level, "Derek, I don't know what has gotten into you, but I am your Chief of Surgery and you are not going to talk to me like I am an intern. What I do with my other employees is not your business. Now I suggest you turn around and walk out of here before you lose your job."

Derek admitted defeat and turned around to the door. Once he reached it, he looked back, "Don't do it." This time it wasn't an order; it was more of a plea.

* * *

"So what do you do for a living that makes you travel so much?" Meredith asked as she followed Sam into his office.

"You're like a dog aren't you? Always following, wanting something," Sam joked as he sat down and turned on his computer.

"I am not a dog," she said, trying to sound offended.

He laughed a little at her attempt, "Little by little. I give you something, you give me something, remember? I believe it's your turn, not mine."

"Fine," Meredith said.

"Okay, so what do you do for a living?" he asked, leaning back in his leather chair as she sat up on his large desk.

"I'm a doctor at Seattle Grace Hospital. Neurosurgeon," she answered.

"That makes you sound smart," Sam responded.

Meredith glared at him, "Are you calling me stupid?"

"You sound like you're five," Sam answered laughing.

"Shut up," Meredith answered as she stood up and walked out of the room.

"Maybe two, I don't know. I don't spend much time around little kids," Sam continued, knowing that she couldn't even hear him anymore.

* * *

Derek knocked on the door nervously. Right now, in this moment, he could kill Meredith for making him do this. She'd claim that it wasn't her fault, but he believed it was. He heard a voice calling him in, so he opened the door and walked in, shutting it behind him.

"What do you want?" Ryan asked bitterly, not looking up at Derek.

Derek sighed, "I need to know if you have any idea where Meredith is."

"Why? So you can go chase her down?" Ryan said. "Why in the hell would I help you?"

"Ryan, stop being an ass," Derek said calmly, before turning to a more serious tone, "She hasn't contacted anyone since she left. We don't know where she is. She could be hurt, Ryan. Think for a second. Meredith could be alone and hurt right now. I'm not talking emotionally. I mean, physically, actually, hurt."

"She's not hurt," Ryan said, blowing it off.

"Damn it Ryan!" Derek practically yelled, "You don't know that. I've been cool and collected about this whole thing, but damn it, I'm scared. She doesn't have any one else right now. She's alone."

Ryan was a little taken back by his outburst, but his pride didn't let him show it. "If I knew where Meredith was, I wouldn't be sitting here at this desk. Now just get the hell out of my office."

Derek opened his mouth to yell again, but found it pointless. He turned around and walked out, promising to kill Meredith for that.


	45. Runaway Train: Chapter 44

**Part 4: Runaway Train**  
Chapter 44

"Is this all you do?"

"What?" Sam asked looking up from his book.

Meredith sat up a little in the squishy couch and looked over him, "All you've done today is sit around. You were on your computer for like ten minutes, but other than that, you've read the newspaper, a magazine, and now this book."

"What? Is my life not drama filled enough for you?" Sam asked sarcastically.

"Shut up," she said quickly, "How is this not enough stability for a girl? If my dad was around long enough to read all the time, I might not be as screwed up."

Sam closed his book, "Ah, a new dimension of Meredith. Daddy issues? I'm surprised I didn't pick up on that earlier. It's always daddy issues. Now that I think about it, it's painfully obvious."

"I do not shout 'daddy issues'," Meredith said defensively.

"Yeah," Sam answered, "You do. Just face it, get over it, and move on. You have daddy issues."

Meredith glared at him and stood up, heading to the guest room as she spoke, "I don't think I've ever hated someone so much after knowing them for such a short of time."

"I bet I can link that to some sort of daddy related problem!" he called back after her.

* * *

"Sam, I think I should get going, you know, get my stuff and all," Meredith said after they finished their dinner.

Sam looked a little disappointed, but let his words disguise it, "Okay, let me just grab my jacket."

A few minutes later Sam and Meredith got into his car. He started the car and flipped on the radio as he began to drive away from the apartment complex.

"Country music, seriously? Did you forget that you live in California or something?" Meredith asked, laughing as she turned the radio station.

"Hey," Sam said swatting at her hand and tuning back into his station, "Born and raised in Tennessee."

"Oh, so you are a southern boy? Interesting…" Meredith said, still trying not to laugh.

"What do you have against southerners?" Sam asked.

"Nothing, nothing at all. I guess Los Angeles is just the farthest south I've ever been," Meredith explained.

"Oh that's pathetic," Sam said before they drifted into a comfortable silence.

"Thanks for everything, really," Meredith said as took off her seatbelt and opened her car door at the bar.

"Mer," Sam said, stopping her from getting out of the car.

"Yeah?" she asked, looking back.

"You going home?" Sam asked.

Meredith self-consciously looked down at her hands before meeting his eyes again, "Not yet."

"Then where are you going to go?"

"I have no idea."

Sam smiled, "Stay with me. I don't think I'm that bad of a roommate and my guest room has got to be better than your drivers seat.

Meredith smiled, "Well, you can cook and everyone knows I can't," she said pretending to have to consider the offer, "Sure. Thanks Sam, really."

"It's nothing. Just get your car and follow me back," Sam suggested.

"Okay," Meredith said smiling before getting out of his car and closing the door behind her.

* * *

"So, you packed one puny bag for clothes, but a large box for other stuff?" Sam asked as he picked the box out of the back of her Jeep.

"Yes, have a problem with that?" Meredith asked as she closed the trunk.

"What did you pack? Hair stuff?" he asked sarcastically as he led her back to his apartment.

"Oh yeah, cause I'm really that high maintenance. I'm sure it all came into handy while I lived in my car for five days," she said, matching his sarcasm.

"I'm sure it did. I guessed that all that greasy hair took a lot to get just like you wanted," Sam said as he opened the front door,

"My hair is not greasy!" Meredith said, pretending to be offended.

Sam stopped and turned around to look at her seriously, "Mer, take a shower." He turned around as they both began to laugh and then dropped her stuff down on her bed. "Seriously, what is in here?" Sam asked as he opened the box.

"Don't," Meredith said quickly, covering the box with her hands, "That's for my eyes. No one gets to see it besides me."

Sam backed away, "Another dimension of Meredith, I'm guessing? Very secretive aren't we? You know, I've heard that by keeping things away from people, you do take away the risk of getting hurt, but you also take away the risk of being loved."

Meredith stared at him perplexed before he smiled and walked out of the room, leaving her by herself with her box.

* * *

**Friday October 25, 2013-**

"You know, if you answered it, you might give them some piece of mind," Sam said.

"What are you talking about?" Meredith asked as she bit into her breakfast.

"The phone. Your cell phone. The one that has been ringing nonstop since you brought it in here. The neighbors are going to begin to think it's the fire alarm or something," Sam said.

"And then what? Come and save your sarcastic ass? I think not," she said laughing.

Sam laughed too, but then became a little more serious, "Really, Mer. Just answer it. I'm betting you that that guy you love so much is out of his mind right now wondering where you are."

"Derek?" Meredith asked as she placed her fork down, "Doubtful. He's doing just fine."

"I think you underestimate people's feelings for you," Sam said.

"What? Are you hinting towards something?" Meredith asked.

"Nope," Sam said quickly, standing up and taking their plates over to the sink.


	46. Runaway Train: Chapter 45

**Part 4: Runaway Train**  
Chapter 45

**Friday August 10, 2006**

_Derek tipped his glass into his mouth, draining the last bit of liquid from it. He dropped it down on the coffee table, not caring if it fell over or not. He leaned back in the couch and looked around the house. He wasn't really sure why he was there. It wasn't his house. It never was, and it never would be. They'd been nice enough to not kick him out, but even in his drunken state he noticed their increasing absence from the house._

**Alone in this house again tonight  
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine  
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me **

**The way that it was and should've been surrounds me  
I'll never get over you walkin' away**

_Maybe he wasn't the reason they were never there. Maybe they were feeling the same things as he was. Maybe they were as lost without Meredith as he was. He doubted it, but he believed it was possible. _

_He liked his lips, tasting the familiar flavor of his favorite scotch. He pulled himself off the couch and up the stairs. Every step he took led his head into a whirlwind of memories. Meredith's smile was plastered in every grain the made up the paint on the walls. Part of him was happy for it, knowing that was the only way he would see her smile, but the rest of him was resentful. He was tired of having her, or rather the lack of her, shoved in his face every waking moment. He knew it was all his fault, but he desperately wanted to escape his sentence.  
_

**Well I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show  
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control  
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain  
To hell with my pride  
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes  
Tonight I wanna cry.**

_He stopped once he reached the door and stared at it. All he had to do was push the door open and go in, but he didn't think he could. He leaned against the bathroom door parallel to it. His body was tired despite the vast amount of time he'd been spending tossing and turning their bed. Their bed. It had become something they shared every night.  
**  
**_**Would it help if I turned a sad song on  
"All by Myself" would sure hit me hard, now that you're gone  
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters  
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better  
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way**

_He finally made his hand collide with the soft wood, pushing it open, revealing a scene that was all too familiar for him. The empty dimly lit room was a mirror to his loneliness. He stepped into it and walked over to the dresser. The mirror on top of it had photos and notes aligning the sides. There were a few of him and her at the ferryboats and at the park. There were pictures of her friends. All of her memories left behind. _

_**  
**_**Cause I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show  
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control  
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain  
To hell with my pride  
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes  
Tonight I wanna cry.**_**  
**_

_He bent down and opened one of the drawers, taking out his belongings and packing them into the small duffel bag that he'd brought it all in. He did it quickly without really thinking about what he was doing. Thinking became something he didn't want to do anymore. When he was done, he zipped it up and stood up. _

_**  
**_**Well I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show  
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control  
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain**_**  
**_

_He took one more look around the room before crossing it and reaching the door. He stopped and took a deep breath before walking out, closing it behind him. As the lock clicked, his back collided with the door. He slid down it, letting his face collapse into his hands, letting all of his tears go. _

**To hell with this pride  
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes  
Tonight I wanna cry.**

Right now, Derek didn't want to think about one of his worst memories. But still, it came flashing before his eyes repeatedly. Maybe it was because he felt like he was being forced to live it, all over again.


	47. Runaway Train: Chapter 46

**Part 4: Runaway Train**  
Chapter 46

"You should really learn to have fun. You're so boring," Meredith said as she allowed herself to fall down on to the couch.

"I'm not boring. You are just used to being a busy doctor with a dramatic life. Not my problem. I like to appreciate the finer things in life," Sam answered.

"What? Every book known to mankind?" Meredith asked sarcastically as she rolled her eyes.

"Don't joke my books, Mer. You know books got you where you are," Sam said putting down yet another book, "I doubt you'd know half of your surgeries if it wasn't for books."

"Okay, so I read. I read, but I still have a life," Meredith said.

"I have a life," Sam defended himself, "I am talking to you aren't I? Yes, that would be a social life I believe. And I work, so that'd be a professional life. See? I have all sorts of types of lifes."

"Just not a private one?" Meredith asked, knowing it'd probably irritate him.

"I thought we already established that I was divorced? People don't always have a private life after divorce."

Meredith stood up and made her way over to the kitchen, "Oh thanks. That's exactly what I need to hear. Did I tell you that Derek was married twice? Yeah, he divorced both of them. Apparently for me, but he just sucks at letting me know that."

"Wow," Sam said as he stood up and followed her, "Offering information up now? What, have you gotten past being completely private towards me, Mer?"

"Don't flatter yourself," Meredith said, handing him a beer.

"Who said I wanted a beer? Maybe I don't like to get drunk all the time like you do," Sam said as he opened the beer.

"Number one, you are amazingly predictable and number two, you obviously wanted it since it's almost gone already," Meredith laughed, taking out her own beer and handing it to him to open.

Sam opened the bottle and handed it back to her, "I'm not predictable."

"Yeah, you are. You are Mr. Predictable. My best friend, Cristina, she'd probably call you McPredictable," Meredith said before realizing how weird that sounded, "Okay, maybe not. She's more creative. She'd come up with something better."

Sam laughed at her, "Still more information? Wow. I'd have to say Meredith, I think you are warming up to me. I think you like me," he said in teasing voice.

"Shut up," she said quickly, playfully slapping his arm as she made her way back over to the living room.

"Yup, you like me. You just don't want to admit it," Sam joked, taking his seat next to her.

"You are so full of yourself," Meredith said as she turned on the television.

A ringing sound came into the air and Sam looked over at her, glaring. "Answer your phone," he said.

"No," she said simply, flipping through channels.

He grabbed the remote and turned it off, "Go and answer your phone."

She glared at him, "Sam, if I wanted to talk to them, don't you think I'd be in Seattle, not sitting on your ugly couch?"

"With the way your mind works? No," Sam said as she stood up and made her way to the guest room to get away from him, "And my couch is not ugly!"

"Yes it is!" Meredith called back to him, trying to stifle her laugh before she turned off her phone and tossed it in the closet that she'd made her own.


	48. Runaway Train: Chapter 47

**Part 4: Runaway Train**  
Chapter 47

**Saturday October 26, 2013-**

"You think I'm boring? You are the one that'll fall asleep at seven o'clock and not wake up till ten the next morning," Sam said as Meredith slowly made her way into the kitchen and over to the coffee maker, "Oh, and still need coffee."

"Shut up," she snapped jokingly, "I'm recovering to my 'busy and drama filled life' that I've been living for the past eight or so years."

"Only eight? Well then who's life were you living before then?" Sam asked as she sat down at the table, nibbling on a piece of toast.

"Oh, you think you're so cute," Meredith said sarcastically, "Just wait until I'm awake enough to process Sam-talk."

"Sam-talk? That's definitely new. I don't think anyone has ever said that before," Sam said, chuckling to himself.

"It makes perfect sense. It's just you. Your sarcastic tone that makes me wonder if your wife divorced you because you turned gay," she joked.

Sam rolled his eyes, "Well, if I'm so gay, I guess California was a good state to pick to live in, huh?"

"Guess so," Meredith answered, knowing he wanted to hit her right now for that comment.

* * *

"Okay, we have to do something today."

"Says who?" Sam asked, not looking up from his latest novel.

"Says me. I haven't been in California in a long time, so I want to do something fun!" she said excitingly.

Sam put the book on the coffee table, "You do realize that this is supposed to be my vacation, right?"

"Nope, you never told me that. Besides, it'll be fun. You are supposed to have fun on vacations not be lazy!" Meredith said in a slightly whiny voice, as she looked down at Sam sitting on the couch.

"It's not being lazy, it's relaxing. And who says that your perception of fun will be the same as mine?" Sam asked.

"No one, but it's not about you. It's about me. Please?" Meredith asked, sticking her bottom lip out for effect.

Sam sighed, "Now who ever said it was all about you?"

"No one, but I figured it out all by myself," she said sarcastically as she pulled him off the couch and towards the door, "Now you just have to figure out where we're going."

"I'm seriously thinking about kicking you out tomorrow morning," Sam said as he closed the door behind them.

* * *

"Sam? Why are we going to the beach? It's October," Meredith said as she looked out the window.

Sam parked the car and turned it off, "Number one, you said I got to chose so deal with it. Number two, you are living off a complete stranger so just be happy you haven't been raped or something yet. Number three, it's California, everyone goes to the beach all year long. Number four, stop complaining, I'm not going to make you get in the water."

Meredith laughed, "You really thought about all my protests, didn't you?"

"You are very predictable, Meredith…" Sam said, stopping himself when he realized he didn't even know her last name.

"Grey, Meredith Grey," she supplied, realizing his reason for drifting off.

"Samuel Patrick," he said, offering his hand. They shook hands, both laughing, "It's nice to meet you Meredith Grey."

"Yeah, you too Samuel Patrick," she said, trying to not laugh anymore, "But just so you know, I'm not going to call you Samuel."

"Good. If you did, I might have been forced to throw you in the ocean," he said with a smile before getting out of the car.


	49. Runaway Train: Chapter 48

_For those confused about the time line: Remember that this story is placed in the year 2013. The update that had Derek crying was placed in 2006 because it was a flashback (that's why it was in italics) from when Meredith left the first time. Anyways, I hope you guys are still enjoying the fic! No matter how much you guys beg, I'm not going to tell you how the story turns out. I hope you guys like Sam, though. I love him!_

* * *

**  
Part 4: Runaway Train**Chapter 48

"Okay, so you want to tell me why we're strolling along a deserted beach?" Meredith asked as the waves crashed around her, barely missing her now barefoot feet.

"Well, you didn't want to be bored," Sam answered.

"No, really," Meredith said, trying to sound serious. "Why here?"

Sam put his hands in his pockets and looked up at the sky before letting his eyes cast down at Meredith, "Well, because I love it here."

"So there is a nonsarcastic sensitive side of Sam after all?" she joked as a wave barely touched her feet, allowing the cold water to send shivers through her body.

"Maybe," Sam said looking down at the sand as they continued to walk.

_Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time  
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you  
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time  
And hung me on a line  
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you _

"I like it out here," Meredith said, interrupting a sweet silence that had grew between them. "It's quiet and relaxed. It's beautiful." Sam smiled at her, but offered her now response. "What? No sarcastic remark?" she joked.

"Maybe I'm a little more complex than you give me credit for," Sam answered, still smiling at her, creating his own weakening look.

Meredith smiled back at him before casting her eyes over to the crashing waves, "Maybe you are."

_Maybe I'm a girl and maybe I'm a lonely girl  
Who's In the middle of something  
That she doesn't really understand _

"Meredith?" Sam asked, tearing her eyes back towards him. "Why did you do it? Why did you run from the wedding and then from Derek too?"

Meredith looked down at the sand as she crossed her arms over her chest for protection from the sea breeze. "Derek and I, we're complicated. Every time I go back to him, promises are made, but then are broken. Then I end up hurt and broken." She looked back up at Sam with tears clouding her eyes, "I'm just so tired of being broken." She looked back down at the sand, willing her tears to go away. "I knew I didn't love Ryan. If I left him, I knew it would hurt, but if I married him and then left him, that'd kill him. There was no easy solution. There still isn't. But that's all that I had."

_  
Maybe I'm a girl and maybe you're the only man  
Who could ever help me   
Baby won't you help me understand _

"Meredith, everything that is broken can be fixed," Sam said softly. "It'll take time, and a lot of work, but one day, you won't be broken anymore."

"Does it really go away?" Meredith asked, looking in his eyes expectantly.

"I don't know, but I'm determined to be optimistic," Sam joked, eliciting a small giggle from her mouth.

A few silent moments went between them before Meredith spoke again, "Your ex-wife, she did a real number on you, didn't she?"

Sam let out a nervous laugh, "Yeah, you could say that."

_Maybe I'm a girl and maybe I'm a lonely girl_

_Who's In the middle of something  
That she doesn't really understand _

"What happened?" Meredith asked, a little afraid that she was over stepping some boundaries, having only known him for four days.

Sam looked up to the sky, as if he was looking for some type of explanation. Finding none, he turned back towards Meredith. "It was complicated. That's just how love is. Complicated. But, I… I gave up. I gave in to the complications that the world puts out for love nowadays. It's like life is completely against anyone being happy anymore. But when you really love someone, you have to fight through all that. It's possible, people… people like me… we just give in too early.

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe you're the only man  
Who could ever help me _  
Baby won't you help me understand_

"You really loved her, didn't you?" Meredith said, not really thinking about her words.

Sam laughed a little, "Well I was married to her, wasn't I?" he asked receiving a small chuckle from her. "But yeah, despite everything that happened, I did. I did and to this day, I still do. I don't think I ever won't. Not to sound gay or anything," he said eyeing Meredith, "But it's an all consuming love. The kind of love you can't forget. No matter how many times you push it away, tell yourself it's over and that it's never coming back, or try again with other people. Despite all of that, it's still there, fighting for itself. It's the kind of love that makes you forgive that person no matter what they do. The kind where that person does everything, but nothing at the exact time. It's just… unimaginable. It seems outrageous and dreamlike. But that's the thing, when you have love like that, it's like you're living out your dreams."

_Maybe I'm amazed at the way you're with me all the time  
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I leave you  
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you help me sing my song  
Right me when I'm wrong _

And right in the second, she realized how much she really did miss Derek.

_Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you_


	50. Runaway Train: Chapter 49

**Part 4: Runaway Train**  
Chapter 49

Sam looked over at Meredith for the millionth time during their hour drive home. She was completely zoned out, her head resting against the cold interior of the window, staring out at the cars and scenery passing by. "What's on your mind?" Sam asked.

"Huh?" Meredith asked, snapping herself back to reality as she looked over at Sam.

"You've been completely in your own world since we got in the car and we're almost halfway home," Sam explained.

"Oh, yeah," she said quietly before returning to her normal tone, "I'm just… thinking."

"Care to fill me in?" he asked as he switched lanes.

Meredith smiled at him, "Derek," she said simply.

"Miss him?" he asked, his eyebrow slightly arched.

Meredith sighed, "Yeah, I think I do," she said as a tear rolled down her cheek. "I'm such an idiot," she mumbled as her head collided gently with the glass of the window once again.

Sam chuckled at her guilty antics. "You're not an idiot. You're just you. No one can hate you for that."

"Oh thanks, Sam. That really makes me feel so much better. I'm screwed up just because that's who I am," she joked.

"We already established that I'm not really a psychiatrist. So, the stuff I learned in my small amount of psychology classes is all I have to offer," he responded.

"Sarcastic ass, Sam, is back," she said smiling.

"Yup. He just goes on coffee breaks every once in awhile."

Meredith laughed a little before settling back into the more serious mood that they'd discovered between them today. "So, what do you do, really?"

"Really?" he asked looking over at her, "Well, I write. Novels and such."

"You're an author?" she asked, interested.

"Yeah. I travel a lot for research. I'm sort of a perfectionist when it comes to my writing. I have to make sure everything in the settings is perfectly realistic," he explained.

"So that's why you love to read so much?" Meredith asked.

"Well, I haven't really picked up a pen in about four years. I put my work on hold when my marriage got rocky, and then just dropped it all when the divorce came. Those books I've been reading were mine. My wife, well, I may be the only one who can recognize it, but she's embedded into every story I've ever written. It's nice to read them. It's like she's still lying in bed next to me, listening to my newest idea," Sam said, a smile coming over his face as he reminisced.

Meredith leaned back with a small, satisfied smile on her face, "I'm glad we aren't fighting for information about each other anymore."

"Me too," Sam answered, a small smile on his face as well.


	51. Runaway Train: Chapter 50

**Part 4: Runaway Train**  
Chapter 50

"Silence, it's golden," Sam said after he closed the door.

Meredith looked at him strangely, "What are you talking about?"

"No ringing cell phone," he said smiling.

Meredith rolled her eyes, "You know, I never understood that whole 'silence is golden' thing. Especially in movie theatres. Ever notice how they write that in white? I find it funny."

"Meredith, I think you are rambling," Sam said.

"Shut up," Meredith said quickly, "I turned my phone off last night. I was getting tired of it."

"Maybe you should go check your messages," Sam suggested, "Since we had that whole emotional moment thing at the beach," he joked.

"Emotional moment thing? Nice. Real clever. Especially for a writer. You know, now that I know that about you, I'm going to expect a certain amount of creativity in your language," she said as she took off her jacket.

"Stop avoiding the phone and changing the subject. Just go in your room like a big girl, turn it on, listen to those messages I'm sure you have, and then dial Derek's number, confess your undying love for him, tell him to come pick you up, and then live happily ever after," Sam said as he pulled out a beer for each of them.

"Are you trying to get rid of me?" Meredith asked, eyeing him as she took the beer.

Sam shook his head, "Is that seriously all you got out of that?"

Meredith laughed at him, "I'm going, I'm going," she said as she ventured off towards her room.

Meredith walked into her room and smiled at the fact that it had become _her_ room. She had somewhere she belonged. Even though she had no idea exactly where it was on a map, it comforted her.

She walked over to the closet and pulled out the box she'd been hiding for years. She set it on the Queen sized bed and looked down at her cell phone sitting on top of it. She picked it up and sat down on the bed, preparing herself just incase they hadn't left a thing.

She turned it on and found out, that they definitely had left her some messages. She smiled as she called her voicemail and put the phone to her ear. She waited patiently as the messages went by.

_"Meredith? Where the hell are you?! You tell me everything is going to be okay and feed me a bunch of crap and then I come back and your wedding dress is hanging up and all those clips I spent HOURS putting in your hair beautifully, are all just lying carelessly on the floor. You have some SERIOUS explaining to do!" _

Meredith laughed a little at Izzie's freak out. She imaged it perfectly as if Izzie was right in front of her, barking into her phone. God, she missed her friends.

_"I hate you. I seriously hate you right now. I'm in a dress right now. A DRESS! It might not be purple like all of your other stupid bridesmaids since I REFUSE to wear a freakin lavender dress, but still, it's a dress. Are you in a dress? Nope! Even after dragging me to sixteen different stores, are you wearing that dress that you found so freakin important? No. Of course not. I'm seriously going to kill you. I'll kill you and then sell your body parts for money. And then I'm going to make a law against freakin dresses!"_

Meredith practically fell over laughing at Cristina. She could imagine her too. Meredith liked the dress Cristina had, despite the fact that it was black. She thought it looked good on Cristina, but of course Cristina had hated it from the start. She knew the second she got home Cristina probably would kill her. But for the first time in her life, she wasn't fearful of death.

_"Meredith… This is… awkward, I just… I want to know what… happened. What made you run? It was Derek… wasn't it? I should have known. It was obvious… I just… I didn't want to believe it. You… you should have just told me. I… would have tried… to understand. I'm worried about you, Mer. Come back. I… I still love you, Mer."_

Okay, so Ryan's call? Yeah, that completely took out all of her happiness. It made her feel really guilty. His hurt voice was too evident. She couldn't even begin to imagine the damage she caused him.

_"Okay, Mer? Not funny. Where the hell are you? It's Sunday! Freakin two days have gone by. Where the hell are you? Jeez, Bailey is seriously going to kill you when you get back. Right after I kill you, of course."_

Meredith smiled again at Cristina. She hadn't really thought about work, the hospital, or Bailey. Not since she called the Chief, of course. She knew she still had a job when she came back, but knowing Bailey, she'd be on scut. In the pit if she was lucky. 'If' being the operative word there.

_"Meredith? I'm fearful for my life. Cristina is worse than usual. She's like the Super-Cristina. She's going to eat me or something. Come back."_

Meredith laughed at George's message. He actually did seem fearful for his life. His voice was like, shaking. She could only imagine what was going on back in Seattle.

_"Grey, don't get any ideas. I'm only calling because Izzie is forcing me to. Apparently as her husband I have 'duties' or whatever. Running out on Dawson? Hilarious. You should have seen his face. So pathetic. But anyways, get back here so he stops mopping around. It's pathetic."_

Meredith was surprised, yet happy to hear Alex's voice. It was comforting. She had to admit, she even missed him. Yes, Grey missed evil spawn. She made a mental note to never let that thought leave her mind and enter the spoken world.

_"Meredith, please get back here and eat this cake! I spent so much time on this cake and now I'm stuck eating it by myself! Then I'm going to get fat and it'll all be your fault. Just get back here. We all miss you. Seriously, get back here."_

Despite the sadness in her voice, Meredith couldn't help but be amused at the image of Izzie sitting at her kitchen table eating the cake, pretending as if she wasn't enjoying it.

_"I have a horrible host as a niece. First she's lazy and withdrawn while I'm there, then just ups and leaves! Not to mention the fact that she leaves me with Barbie and no alcohol. Haven't you learned anything by being a Grey? Always have alcohol! Come on, I'd expect more out of you. I had heard you were somewhat of a wasp, but I'm beginning to doubt it. Not that you care, but I'm back in Los Angeles. The psychos of Seattle were beginning to scare me and I think your Uncle Rob missed me. I think. When you get back, give me a call or something, would you?"_

Meredith kind of felt bad for just leaving her Aunt Hil there. She also felt bad for not even thinking about it since she'd found Sam. Really, she hadn't thought back to the people in Seattle much at all, other than Derek that is, after she found Sam.

_"Look, I'm really getting tired of you not answering your phone. I might call, but I'm not leaving any more messages. This is getting annoying."_

Meredith quickly regretted not answering her phone. Cristina's wrath was definitely something she'd feel the second she got back to Seattle.

_"Everyone misses you Mer. Seriously. EVERYONE. The hospital isn't the same without you. This is worse than when you left the first time. Seriously. Come back, okay? Quicker than you did last time."_

Meredith could hear the confusion and hurt in Izzie's voice. It only added more guilt to her pile that she'd accumulated through these messages.

_"Okay, Mer? Now you've turned your phone off? Nice. No more endless ringings, just goes straight to the answering machine. I guess it wastes less of my time. Anyways, McDreamy is MIA. No one has heard from him since Thursday night, and just so you know, it's Saturday morning. It's kind of like you. He just ups and leaves. Maybe history is repeating itself? Maybe. I don't care. Izzie is making me tell you, but she stuck in a C-section or something so she made me call you and tell you all this crap. I guess there is the possibility that he's with you and you two are having mind-blowing sex right now, but for some reason, I doubt that. Anyways, get back here. Barbie is driving me insane and I will not be held responsible when you come home and find her dead body!"_

_"You have no more messages."_

The happiness that Meredith had found as she listened to her friends, suddenly disappeared. Just like last time, she ran, Derek ran, she came back for him, but he was gone. She didn't want that to happen again, but he was gone. He left. He gave up so much quicker this time. She knew he knew she didn't marry Ryan. There was no way that he didn't know. He had to know.

"Meredith? Meredith, what do you want for dinner?" Sam stood on the opposite side of the door, listening for some sign of a life. Possibly a sign that she was talking to Derek, but he received none. "Mer?" he said again as he opened the door.

He found Meredith sitting on the side of the bed with her back towards him. There was an old box next to her on the bed, but it didn't seem like she was aware of its existence. She seemed completely zoned out. "Meredith?" he said again as he walked across the room to come face-to-face with her.

He kneeled down in front of her, trying to look into her face. Her eyes were cast down and her hair was falling down in front of her face. Sam watched as one solitary tear rolled down her cheek. He scooted closer to her and caught it on his finger.

"Meredith? What happened?" he asked quietly.

She didn't move. She didn't show an emotion. She didn't even acknowledge that he was right in front of her, talking to her. She seemed completely in a different world.

Then suddenly, she fell apart. She just began crying hysterically. Sam was a little scared at first, but then he recovered. He pulled her falling body into his arms and situated himself on the bed.

She curled into him, clinging to his shirt for life. Her sobs hadn't stopped or even slowed and neither had her tears. Sam just continued to hold her, running his hands through her hair, breathing sweet whispers of happiness.

_It isn't very difficult to see why  
You are the way you are  
Doesn't take a genius to realize  
That sometimes life is hard  
It's gonna take time  
But you'll just have to wait  
You're gonna be fine  
But in the meantime _

"He… he's gone," Meredith whispered in between tears.

Sam's brow furrowed, "It might not be what you think. He could be looking for you. You never know."

Meredith looked up at him, letting her tears slow, "How? No one has an idea where I am. Not even my boss. I just told him I needed time. No one has a clue. He just left me. Just like he did last time."__

Come over here lady  
Let me wipe your tears away  
Come a little nearer baby  
Cause you'll heal over  
Heal over  
Heal over someday 

"It's just like I told you," she said as tears continued to fall down her face, "Promises are made, broken, and then I'm left hurt and broken. I'm so tired of it. Never again."

"Meredith…" he said, unsure of what to do. He just felt so horrible for the way she was feeling. There wasn't anything that he could do to help her. __

And I don't wanna hear you tell yourself  
That these feelings are in the past  
You know it doesn't mean they're off the shelf  
Because pain's built to last  
Everybody sails alone  
But we can travel side by side  
Even if you fail  
You know that no one really minds  
Come over here lady  
Let me wipe your tears away  
Come a little nearer baby  
Cause you'll heal over  
Heal over someday

"Never.. never again," she mumbled, burying her chest into Sam again. "Never….."

"It'll get better, baby. I promise," Sam whispered into her ear, "Everything will be okay. You know Derek loves you. He'll come back."

"No," she said, pulling away from his body and looking into his eyes, "He won't. He didn't last time. He found me by chance last time. Not because he wanted to."

"Meredith, he loves you. Remember, that's all that matters," he said soothingly. "That's all that matters."

_Don't hold on but don't let go  
I know it's so hard  
You've got to try to trust yourself  
I know it's so hard, so hard  
_

Meredith rested into his chest again, feeling tired and defeated. Sam continued to do his best to soothe her, telling her everything was going to be okay. He believed it, but he knew she wasn't even going to pretend to. This was broken Meredith. More broken than she'd ever been before

_Come over here lady  
Let me wipe your tears away  
Come a little nearer baby  
Cause you'll heal over, heal over, heal over someday_


	52. Runaway Train: Chapter 51

**Part 4: Runaway Train**  
Chapter 51

"Meredith? What are you doing?" Sam asked as Meredith opened the door to his bedroom. He'd tucked her into bed over three hours ago, sending him to his own room. He had turned on his iPod and focused on one of his books. But now, she was standing in front of him. He turned off his iPod and put down his book, before getting off the bed and walked over to the door.

"Meredith?" he said when he reached her, "Did you raid my liquor cabinet or something?" He could smell it easily. Tequila. Lots of tequila.

"I was thirsty," she said with a small smile, forming at the corners of her lips.

"Ever heard of like water or even just beer?" Sam said, "Really Mer, you are already messed up in the head. Tequila will do you no good."

"I'm too tired and drunk to translate Sam-talk so please talk in plain English. No sarcasm or witty jokes," Meredith said as she walked further into the room.

"Meredith, what are you doing?" Sam asked uncomfortably as Meredith inched closer to him.

"Having a tequila dream," she whispered.

"Tequila what? I really-" he started, but he didn't have time to say anything else; Meredith cut him off with her lips.

Sam couldn't react. Meredith reacted too quickly for him too. She managed to lead him over to the bed, him falling backwards, allowing her to straddle him.

"Meredith… Meredith… stop it," Sam said when her lips finally left his.

"What?" Meredith asked suddenly. Within her lifetime, she'd had more tequila dreams than most. More than anyone should probably have, actually, but never, never had a guy told her to stop. Never. It was just unheard of.

"We can't do this," Sam said.

"Why not? What, do you want to mop around about your ex-wife for the rest of your life? It's been three years, Sam. Move on. She probably has," Meredith said, completely oblivious to the impact of her words.

Sam swallowed hard, "Meredith, we can't do this."

"What? What's wrong with me?" Meredith asked, getting offended.

Sam was a little afraid of what would happen with a hurt, pissed off, offended, drunk Meredith. He didn't want her to do something she'd regret. "There's nothing wrong with you. We… we just can't do this."

"I don't get it. Guys don't say 'no' to me. They do me. That's how it works. What's wrong with me?" Meredith asked, getting more upset.

Sam sighed, "Mer, you're just… you're forbidden fruit."

Meredith looked at him confused, "What? No, I'm not. I don't belong to anyone. Not Ryan, not Derek. No one. I am my own."

"Maybe you don't belong to anyone," Sam began, "But your heart does. Your heart belongs to Derek and mine belongs to my ex-wife. We can't do this."

Meredith's facial expression suddenly changed. Sam sat up and wrapped his arms around her as she began to fall apart again. "Oh my god, Sam. I… I… can't believe… I… oh my god."

"It's okay, Mer," Sam whispered as he picked her up and walked her towards her room, her shaking the entire time.

He laid her down in her bed and turned off the light before heading back to the door, silence staying between them. As he was about to leave, Meredith spoke. "Sam… I… just… I don't know what's wrong… with me."

Sam turned back and looked at her. He gave her a small smile, "Meredith, nothing is wrong with you. You're perfect. You're just not mine." With that said, Sam closed the door behind him and headed back to his room.

* * *

_The tequila dream thing was a reference to one of my friend's fics from awhile ago in which Cristina calls Meredith's one night stands 'tequila dreams.' I know you guys may want to hate me for that, but trust me it had to happen. I'm going to go explain more of what is going through Meredith's head and Sam as well once the next part starts. If I do it now, I'll just end up giving away too many details!_


	53. Runaway Train: Chapter 52

**Part 4: Runaway Train**  
Chapter 51

**Sunday October 27, 2013-**

"Sam? Sam?" Meredith looked around the small apartment. Everyday when she wakes up, Sam is always at the kitchen table, sipping his coffee, reading the newspaper. Today, however, it doesn't look like anyone has touched the coffee or the newspaper.

"Sam?" she asked again as she came to the closed office door. She knocked and put her ear to the door, hearing sound from inside.

"Hold on a sec," Sam said loudly before returning to his hushed tones that he'd been speaking in before. Moments later, Sam appeared at the door, opening it to see Meredith.

"What are you doing in there?" Meredith asked suspiciously.

Sam just looked at her, "It was my lawyer. It's nothing."

"Really?" Meredith asked, unsatisfied.

"Yup and that's all you get to know," Sam said before heading over to the kitchen, "Hungry?"

Meredith looked at him strangely, "We should… umm… talk about… what happened," she said uncomfortably.

"Or we could eat breakfast and continue how we were," Sam suggested as he pulled out a few eggs, "Scrambled eggs? I'm in the mood for scrambled eggs. Good with you?"

"Yeah, sure," Meredith said, walking over to the island, "But are you sure we don't need to talk about this?"

"Meredith, you were hurt. Not to mention drunk. Things happen when you're hurt and drunk. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. We don't have to have a weird morning after discussion. After all, today really is the morning after nothing. Nothing happened," Sam explained.

Meredith smiled at him, "Okay, thanks."

"You don't need to thank me," Sam said, "All you need to do is make some coffee."

* * *

"Shit," Derek mumbled as some of his coffee spilt on his shirt. He hated highways. When he was on old, empty roads, he loved driving. It would be peaceful and relaxing. Busy, huge roads? He hated them. Especially when idiots made him swerve out of his lane, causing coffee to fall on him. He made a mental note to avoid highways at all cost from now on, no matter how much time the empty, old roads would add to his travel time.

* * *

"This is really good," Meredith said as she read Sam's book. Her left foot was lazily pushing the leather computer chair in small, slow circles as her mind took in every detail of his novel "This is pretty amazing, actually."

Sam looked up at her and smiled, "Thanks."

Meredith torn her eyes away from the book to meet his, "What are you doing?" she asked, seeing how he was sitting on the floor next to his three filing cabinets.

"I am looking at all of the beginnings and ideas for stories I've stored away over the years, forgotten and unfinished," Sam said as he pulled out another blue folder from the bottom drawer.

"Why?" Meredith asked as she stopped spinning and stood up out of the chair to go sit beside him.

"Because, you were right," Sam answered, receiving a confused glare from Meredith, "I should move on with my life. She has. It's stupid for me to give up everything just because she gave up on me."

Meredith began to feel guilt for what she had said the night before. She hadn't thought about her words then and she didn't think about their after effects later either. "Look, Sam, I'm sorry. You don't have to move on with you life, right now. There's nothing wrong with missing someone you love. Especially when you can't have them anymore."

Sam smiled at her, "I don't have to move on right now, but if I don't hurry up, I'm going to go broke within a year or so and that is really not something I want to go through."

"I guess that's true," Meredith said as she picked up one of the many paper clipped packs of paper. "All these stories are just amazing, Sam. You're talented. I wish I had a talent like that."

"You do," Sam said quietly as he shuffled through a few things.

"I do?" Meredith asked doubtfully.

"Yes, you do."

"Like what?" Meredith asked, "Other than my tequila dreams of course. I've heard those are my specialty."

Sam chuckled a little, "I bet they are."

"What do you mean though? What talent?" Meredith asked, obviously interested.

"It does you no good if I just tell you," Sam answered, "It's something you need to figure out for yourself."

"Are you sure you're really not some type of psychiatrist?" Meredith asked, receiving a laugh from Sam before he got back to what he was doing.

* * *

"Sam?" Meredith asked looking up from the second to last chapter of his book.

"Yeah?" Sam said, looking over at her.

"It's raining," she said, looking over at the large window.

Sam looked at her, "Yes, it's been raining almost all day."

"I hate the rain," she said simply.

"Oh, well then, good thing you live in Seattle, huh?" Sam said with a small laugh.

"Well I'm not in Seattle. I'm in California. It's not supposed to rain in California," Meredith complained.

"Nowhere is perfect. Spend enough time in paradise and you'll still be able to find a flaw within it," Sam answered.

"Why does everything you say sound so deep and intellectual?"

"Maybe you just spend too much time with people who don't think out their words," Sam suggested, making her think back to her missed friends in Seattle.

"Maybe," she answered, keeping her memories to herself.

* * *

"Meredith, go answer the door," Sam said as he typed something into his computer.

"It's your apartment, you go answer the door," Meredith said, looking up from the book as she sat comfortably in a chair in his office, easily ignoring the unrelenting, hard knocks on the door.

"I just got an idea, you go get it. It's probably just the pizza," Sam muttered.

"You ordered pizza?" Meredith asked excited.

Sam rolled his eyes, "I never knew a girl to be so excited at the sound of pizza," he said as she jumped up from her seat and walked out of the office.


	54. As Lovers Go: Chapter 53

**Part 5: As Lovers Go**  
Chapter 53

Meredith walked into the living room and towards the front door, happy that she'd be getting pizza. She opened the door and then immediately shut it again.

"Meredith, open the door again!" Sam shouted from the office.

Meredith didn't think. She just followed his orders. She opened the door again, letting go of the handle. She stared at him, stunned. If she was ever going to see him again, she expected it to be on her terms, on her grounds. Not the other way around.

_We were drawn from the weeds  
We were brave like soldiers  
Falling down under the pale moonlight  
You were holding to me  
Like a someone broken  
And I couldn't tell you but I'm telling you now_

She continued to stare at him, waiting for him to move, or do something, say something. But he didn't. He just started back at her. He wasn't even smiling. He looked as freaked out as she did. She really didn't think that was necessarily a good thing either.

But then, his face changed. He seemed to become sure of himself. A small smile began to form at his lips and she almost wanted to hit him and ask what the hell he was smiling at. But she didn't. She didn't do anything.

His smile grew and he stepped closer to her, letting the rain from his jacket fall down against the plush carpet. "Just so you know, you are going to have to go a whole lot farther if you ever want to get away from me again."

_Just let me hold you while you're falling apart  
Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down_

There was a small twinkle in his eye that she noticed the second that he gave her a small wink. It told her everything was going to be okay. And right then, she just fell into him.

_Fall on me  
Tell me everything you want me to be  
Forever with you forever in me  
Ever the same_

The second she landed in his arms, she fell apart. She let go of every tear that she'd saved from the night before. Derek couldn't have been happier to have her in his arms again, but it broke his heart to hear her cry.

"I'm sorry, Mer. I'll never let you go again," he whispered into her hair. She didn't look up at him. She just kept her head buried safely in his chest, a nod being her only response.

_We would stand in the wind  
We were free like water  
Flowing down  
Under the warmth of the sun_

Derek looked up and saw Sam standing in the doorway of the officer, looking over at the lovers. Derek smiled at him as he hugged Meredith closely. Sam eyed Meredith's bedroom door, knowing Derek wanted privacy. Derek nodded and took Meredith's hand, leading her over to the door. Meredith followed him, looking over at Sam as well. He smiled at her. Her face lit up and she mouthed him a response, "Thank you." He nodded before heading back into his office and closing the door behind him.

_Now it's cold and we're scared  
And we've both been shaken  
Hey, look at us  
Man, this doesn't need to be the end_

Derek shut the door behind Meredith, never taking his eyes off of her. She calmed herself down and finally looked back up at him. "I… I don't get it. How… how did… you know? It doesn't make any… sense," she stuttered, looking scared out of her mind.

"Meredith," he said, silencing her. He lifted her chin, bringing her eyes to his face, "None of that matters right now. I'm here with you. That's all that matters."

_Just let me hold you while you're falling apart  
Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down_

Once again, relief just flew through her body and she collapsed into his arms again. Despite the wetness of his clothes, she'd never felt so warm and safe before. She'd been happy over the past few days with Sam, but that couldn't even compare to the way she felt with Derek's scent surrounding her once again.

_Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be  
Forever with you  
Forever in me  
Ever the same_

"Meredith? Meredith, look at me," Derek said, quietly.

She did as she was asked, meeting his beautiful blue eyes. She looked expectant, wanting so much from Derek. He was so afraid that he wouldn't meet her expectations, but deep down, he knew that she'd accept anything as long as she knew it was all he had.

"Meredith, I love you."

_Call on me  
I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me  
Forever it's you  
Forever in me  
Ever the same_

Meredith smiled. God, Derek had missed that smile more than he could have ever imagined before. It was amazingly beautiful. It was like heaven on earth to him, the one place he could find serenity.

"You never have to leave again, I promise," Derek continued.

Meredith's smile slowly slipped away. "Derek, I left because I was broken. I'm still broken. I can't go back until I'm fixed. I promised myself that."

_You may need me there  
To carry all your weight  
But you're no burden I assure  
You tide me over  
With a warmth I'll not forget  
But I can only give you love_

"Meredith, there is nothing in the world wrong with you," Derek whispered, "I want you as you are."

"Derek, I need to fix myself."

_Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be  
Forever with you  
Forever in me  
Ever the same_

"Only one thing can fix a broken heart," Derek whispered into her ear, "Unconditional, all-consuming love."

"Derek-"

Derek cut her off, "You can't do it on your own. I wouldn't let you even if you could. I'm never leaving you alone again.

_Call on me  
I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me  
Forever it's you  
Forever in me  
Ever the same_

"Promise?" Meredith asked.

Derek smiled. She looked like a little girl. Vulnerable, scared. But she wasn't a little girl. She was a grown woman, the woman of his dreams. "I promise."

"Derek?" she asked.

"Yes?"

"I love you too."

"I'm so happy you do," Derek whispered before finally doing the one thing he'd yet to do: kiss her.

_Forever with you  
Forever in me  
Ever the same_


	55. As Lovers Go: Chapter 54

**Part 5: As Lovers Go**  
Chapter 54

"Oh my god, Derek. Sam."

"Are you really talking about another guy while lying in bed with me?" Derek asked.

Meredith rolled her eyes, "We're in Sam's extremely small apartment. We're horrible people."

"Well, if we're so horrible, at least we've got each other," Derek joked as he kissed her gently on the lips.

"Derek, seriously, we can't do this. Not right now, in Sam's apartment," Meredith said squirming out of his grip.

"Trust me, Sam is just fine," Derek said as he fought to keep Meredith from moving away.

Meredith looked at him strangely, "You don't even know him."

"Yes I do."

Meredith stopped moving all together, "What?"

Derek laughed, "Fate, Meredith. Didn't I tell you fate wouldn't let you get away?"

"Derek that doesn't explain how you know Sam."

"I've known him my whole life. He's my cousin," Derek said, somehow finding the whole thing amusing.

"You've got to be kidding me. I came home with your cousin?" she asked, obviously not finding it so funny.

"Yeah, I don't really like the fact you went home with any guy-"

"I don't think you're in a position to talk about what I've been doing," Meredith said interrupting him and hinting towards the mistakes he's been making lately.

Derek smiled, "Just trust me, we have the apartment to ourselves for a little while. I made sure of that."

"Oh, I bet you did," Meredith mumbled as Derek began to kiss her again and let his hands roam freely around her body.


	56. As Lovers Go: Chapter 55

**Part 5: As Lovers Go**  
Chapter 55

"Derek?"

"Huh?" Derek mumbled, drifting closer to sleep.

Meredith situated herself in the dark bedroom, turning her body to completely face him, "You can't break any more promises."

Derek forced himself awake a little, "I didn't break the last one."

"Neither did I," Meredith said.

Derek smiled, "Then why are we talking about this?"

Meredith rolled over and turned on the light, receiving quiet curses from Derek as he shielded his eyes. "Turn it off," he grumbled.

"No, we need to talk," she said, sitting up in the bed.

Derek knew he didn't have a choice. He owed her this, so he sat up and pulled her small body to rest against his chest, her head resting below his. "Okay, we need to talk."

_I hear the sound of you heart beating_

"No more pain. No more hurt. You can't do that to me, okay?" Meredith asked, her light eyes staring up at his.

_Don't say a word I know what you're feeling_

"I promise," he answered, leaning down just enough to give her a gentle kiss.

She smiled, as they broke apart, feelings flowing throughout her body. "What took you so long? You should have come here faster."

"I just found out where you were yesterday. I was on my way to Los Angeles to see if you crashed with your Aunt again," Derek answered

_Just hold me close, don't be afraid_

"You were chasing me?" Meredith asked, a bigger smile playing across her lips.

"Well what else was I supposed to be doing?" Derek asked, tightening his grip on her as she snuggled close

_These arms won't let your heart break_

"What do you want to do?" Derek asked, guessing that plans were running through her head.

"Right now? Nothing. I just want to stay exactly where I am," she whispered.

_Just ask me girl - oh I surrender_

Derek smiled as his mind drifted back towards the event since he got that phone call. He had already gotten to Los Angeles by then, but quickly changed his course. He knew he'd be repaying Sam for this for the rest of his life. But number one on his mind would always be the debt he held towards Meredith for everything he'd done

_I'll make love to you-so soft and tender  
I promise you with every breath I take  
these arms won't let your heart break_

"Did you come to the wedding?" Meredith asked, breaking the sweet silence.

"The one that never happened?" he asked with a small chuckle as she nodded, "Yes, I came. To stop it."

"That's what I hoped you'd do," Meredith whispered, quietly enough that Derek could barely hear.

Derek laughed a little, "So now I know who swore Cheryl to secrecy?" he asked, his eyebrow rising suspiciously at her.

"It was my last hope," she said evenly. _  
These eyes will worship you and adore you  
these hands will love you every day_

"You don't have to worry about that anymore. I'm here and I will be forever," Derek said, trying to calm her troubled mind, "Remember, I love you. I'll love you forever.

_Darlin' the only guarantee i can make  
these arms won't let your heart break_

Another silence grew between them, comfortably allowing them to spend time in their own minds, uninterrupted. Derek still had no idea how he was going to make all this up to her. He knew of little things that would drive her crazy, but he kept wondering if it'd be enough. If he'd be enough for Meredith for the rest of her life. He wanted to be and he knew he'd do everything he could to prove it to her. __

Your wish is my command I'm right here for you  
just take my hand I'll love you like you want me to

Meredith had never doubted Derek before. No matter what he'd done in the past, she always gave him credit and trusted his promises. Still, there had always been doubts in the back of her mind that would come after her in the quiet moments of the day. Yet, today, despite the silence, they weren't coming out. There was something different about everything this time. It had always felt real, but this felt like forever

_One thing for sure make no mistakes  
my arms won't let your heart break_

"Meredith, I almost forgot," Derek said, squirming out from under her and off the bed.

"Where are you going?" she giggled.

_These eyes will worship you and adore you (adore you)_

Derek looked around the room for his jacket and finally found it, pulling something out before climbing back into bed and resuming their comfortable position.

_These hands will love you every day (every day)_

"Derek? What was that about?" Meredith asked, looking up at him, wondering what was in his hands.

"I figured you were overdue," Derek answered.

_Darlin' the only guarantee I can make_

"For?" Meredith asked, completely confused.

"Your healthy dose of m&ms," he said as he handed her the candy.

Meredith laughed a little as she opened them and settled back into him. She gave him a few and then dropped a few more into her own mouth, a satisfied grin finding her face. "I love you," she said, a small giggle trying to come out.

"I love you too," he said, running his hands through her hair, hoping to stay this way for the rest of his life.

_These arms won't let your heart break_


	57. As Lovers Go: Chapter 56

**Part 5: As Lovers Go**  
Chapter 56

**Monday October, 28, 2013-**

"I have to say, Derek, you are an ass."

Derek looked up at his cousin curiously, "Thanks?" he said, a little unsure of a good response.

"You really screwed with her head. She's seriously messed up," Sam said.

"Be very careful of your words," Derek said, not happy with the insults he was throwing at Meredith.

"I get it. She's pretty amazing, but you hurt her," Sam said, "I wouldn't usually bug you, but I've gotten close to Meredith over the past couple of days. She doesn't deserve anything else, so don't give her anything else to deal with."

Derek sipped his coffee, "I won't. And thanks. Thanks for calling me and telling me where she was. I was beginning to think she was hurt somewhere."

"Hurt?" Sam asked raising his eyebrow, "What, is she five?"

"She just hadn't talked to anyone. Not even her best friend. I thought I'd really lost her. I was going insane. Thinking things that no one should. Every possible bad scenario was running through my head constantly."

Sam laughed.

"What? How is that funny?"

"It's not," Sam said, receiving a confused look from Derek, "It's just that you were freaking about where she was and she was here thinking you didn't give a crap. I told her she was crazy. She just didn't listen to me." Sam took a sip of his coffee and looked at Derek seriously, "I suggest you make this up to her and never let her out of your sight again."

"Will do."

Meredith bit her bottom lip as she spied at the cousins in the kitchen. She was going to go in and join them, but the second she realized they were talking about her; something stopped her, but kept her there.

She was surprised. She couldn't believe Derek had thought all that. She'd always thought no one was looking after her. Apparently she was wrong.

"_Because you look like someone who could use some looking after."_

"Meredith? Are you awake in there?" Derek called out after hearing some noise from the far side of the apartment.

"Yeah, I'm coming," Meredith answered before coming out of hiding and finding Derek and Sam in the same place they were when she'd been spying on them.

"Good morning," Derek said as she bent over to kiss him.

"Well, I'm going to get going," Sam said, standing up.

Meredith rolled her eyes, "You're such a baby. Can't even watch two people kiss."

"It's not the kissing, it's what it leads to. And the loud noises from that," Sam said before dropping his coffee mug in the sink, "I have a meeting with my editor anyways."

"Seriously? Your editor?" Meredith asked, excited.

Sam smiled, "Yeah, you got me thinking."

Meredith immediately felt guilty again for what she said that other night and for the compromising position she'd been in. Not wanting Derek to ask questions, she hid it and quickly went over to hug Sam, "Good luck."

"Yeah, yeah," he said, pretending to not be as excited as she was, "I'll see you guys later. Don't break anything."

"We'll try not to," Derek answered as Sam headed out the door. He turned back towards Meredith who was standing next to him and smiled, "I guess we have the place to ourselves."

Meredith looked down at him, "Dr. Shepherd, I believe you have dirty in your eyes."

"Me?" he asked innocently, "I believe you have it in your eyes."

"Hmm," she said shrugging her shoulders before she turned to walk back to the bedroom, "Maybe I do."

Derek smiled and got up, chasing after her, "Oh no, you can't get away from me."

The second he caught her, they both erupted into laughter before turning to kisses, heading back into _their_ new bedroom in Sam's apartment.

* * *

_Just in case you were wondering about the italics, I've chosen to bring back a few things that Sam has said over the past couple of days he spent with Meredith. It'll help prove the real importance he holds in her life. I'll explain more about Sam later. I know I've already said that, but it's late so I'll probably do that after the next chapter!_


	58. As Lovers Go: Chapter 57

**Part 5: As Lovers Go  
**Chapter 57

They were both halfway undressed, their hands roaming across each other's body as a loud ringing noise rang through the air. "Ignore it," Derek whispered as he nibbled a little on Meredith's ear.

"We can't. Everyone is Seattle is going to think we're both dead," Meredith said before Derek moved his lips back to her mouth.

"They'll be fine," he whispered, taking a quick breath.

"Derek," Meredith said seriously.

Derek sighed and rolled off her, giving up. "Fine," he mumbled before grapping his cell phone, "Hello?"

"Where the hell have you been?" someone practically screamed into the other line, making Derek pull the phone away from his ear, a pained look on his face.

When the yelling stopped, Derek brought the phone back to his ear, "Miranda?"

"Don't Miranda me. It's Dr. Bailey to you. And where the hell are you? And my intern? Where is she?"

"Miranda, she's not your intern anymore," Derek commented, Meredith looking at him strangely, wondering why in the world Dr. Bailey would be calling Derek.

"She'll always be my intern and I already told you that it is Dr. Bailey. Don't make me tell you again! Now you two get your asses back here."

"We'll be back when we decide to come back," Derek answered, not wanting to make Meredith feel inclined to leave any time soon.

"No, you will get back here now. Shepherd, you have a meeting tomorrow morning that you damn well better be at."

Derek's face became confused, "Meeting? What are you talking about? I cleared everything before I left."

Bailey sighed, her voice changing, "Derek, something happened. You need to get back here, but you better bring her with you."

"What happened?"

Bailey swallowed hard. She didn't want to tell him over the phone, but she knew it was the only way to get him to come back, "Derek, something's happened to the Chief."

"What?" Derek asked, becoming alarmed and scaring Meredith a little.

"He had a heart attack yesterday. He went into cardiogenic shock and hasn't woken up."

Derek's hand covered his face as he rubbed his forehead, trying to think and process this, "He's in a coma." It wasn't a question. It was a statement.

Meredith didn't know who he was talking about, but she could easily tell it was someone he cared about. She moved over to him, trying to comfort him in anyway she could.

"If he makes it out of this, he will have a long recovery time. The board wants to appoint a new Chief or at least a temporary Chief. That's where you come in," Bailey explained.

"Me? I haven't even been back at Seattle Grace for a month. I'm not even head of neurosurgery. What about Burke? Or Dawson?" Derek asked.

"Burke has kids. He has a family. He wants it, but you know he won't spend a second away from his kids. Not to mention, if he leaves Yang alone with them, she might kill them," Bailey answered.

"And Dawson?" Derek persisted.

"And Dawson.. Well, he's not very emotionally stable right now. He's doing fine, but people from the board know what happened. They don't think he could handle to stress of a Chief position at this point."

Derek sighed, "So they want me?"

"You are well-known. It would bring a lot more to the hospital than Dawson would anyways. You've worked here before and everyone knows and respects you. It's the smart decision. So, you need to be here for a meeting tomorrow."

Derek looked over at Meredith, "Okay, I'll be there. I have to go, bye." He closed his phone before Bailey could say anything and looked over at Meredith who was quietly waiting for an explanation, "We have to go back to Seattle tonight."

* * *

"I don't want to go back," Meredith stated as she slowly put her things back into her small duffel bag.

"Trust me, neither do I," Derek said before he walked over towards Meredith, "Richard has done a lot for me over the years, I have to make sure he's okay. And I don't even know if I'll take this job."

Meredith looked at him doubtfully, "Are you seriously telling me that if the board told you that they wanted you to be the Chief of Surgery at the best hospital on the west coast, you'd decline and keep your job working under Ryan?"

"Chief is a lot of responsibility," Derek stated as he zipped up his own small bag.

"Yes it is," Meredith answered as she folded a shirt, noticing his avoidance of the question.

"And a lot of time," Derek continued. "It tore apart Richard and Adele."

Meredith put her shirt in the bag and looked up at him. His eyes were troubled and it worried her a little. "Derek, they were torn apart because of my mother. Not because of the job. The Chief just used the job as an excuse."

Derek turned towards her, so that they were facing each other. He smiled at her, the trouble in his eyes completely disappearing the second he saw her smile. "You're right," he said, putting his hands on her waist.

"Of course I'm right," she said, her smile getting larger as they inched closer. "Dr. Shepherd, I believe you have dirty in your eyes again."

"Maybe I do," he answered.

"We don't have time for dirty," she said before leaning up to kiss him quickly and then breaking away, "We have to get ready to go back to Seattle."

She grabbed her last few items and packed them in her bag. Derek just watched her, amazed. She wasn't doing anything particularly amazing, but being her was amazing to him.

She looked over her shoulder and saw him leaning against the wall; his arms crossed against his chest, watching her, "What?" she asked with a small smile.

"Nothing," he answered simply.

"No seriously, what?" she asked, turning completely around.

Derek pushed himself off the wall and smiled, "I'm just surprised."

"At?"

"I don't know, I just didn't expect you to be so okay with this," he said stepping closer to her, "I didn't think you'd be okay with going back to Seattle. You said that you didn't want to go back. Not until you were fixed anyways."

"Derek, I learned some things on my little excursion. No matter where I am right now, I'm going to be broken. That's just the way it is. Scenery isn't going to fix that. Only time. And if I have to chose between being broken with or without you, I chose to be with you," she said honestly.

Derek smiled over at her and began to make his way over to her, "Dr. Shepherd, get that dirty out of your eyes," she said with a laugh before turning back over to the bed that had their belongings on it.

He laughed at her comment as he wrapped his arms around her. She stopped doing anything and leaned into him, relaxing. His mouth moved over to her ear, his hot breath on her neck, "I chose to be with you too," he whispered, sending emotions running through Meredith's body.

"_It'll take time, and a lot of work, but one day, you won't be broken anymore."

* * *

_

**Okay, here is the explanation that I've needed to write. **

**Meredith left Ryan because she knew she had betrayed him and that her heart was not fully into that marriage, but she didn't think she could be with Derek either. In her mind, she had ruined her last chances at happiness and she deserved to suffer. She had to get away from everything and that's why she fled. If she had stayed, Ryan would have sucked her back into that relationship. **

**So she met this guy named Sam. Sam and Derek have been very close for years. Sam knew about Addison, about Mark, about Meredith, about his heartbreak, about McKenzie, and then Meredith again. He'd seen pictures of Meredith. He knew it was pretty impossible for her to be sitting in front of him, but Derek's practically his brother and he wasn't going to let the love of his brother's life just drown herself in tequila and live out of her car. **

**I know a lot of you guys hated Sam and thought he was gay, but you have only seen one side of Sam. He may seem all put together, but he's broken in his own way. He's still in love with his ex-wife and he would have never gone after Meredith. He's had a lot of time to think and overanalyze life in general and that leads to the slightly philosophical things he says to Meredith. **

**If Meredith had just gone back to Derek, things would not have worked. She's too broken and she had no reason to believe that Derek would stay with her or that she'd get better. She needed an outside source that she believed did not know about Derek and was completely unbiased. **

**Sam didn't force his opinions on her like Cristina or Izzie or George or Aunt Hil would have. He said what he knew about life and his own relationships and that allowed Meredith to reach her conclusions herself. It gave her hope for her and Derek. That doesn't mean that all the guilt and pain Meredith feels and will feel has gone away, but it gave her a bright light at the end of the tunnel that she's been searching for. **

**Every word that Sam said to Meredith helps her in every aspect of her life. That is why his words are coming back through the story. They're echoing in her mind, so that even after she's left and gone back to Seattle, he's still helping her. **

**If it hadn't been for Sam, Meredith would not have gone back to Derek. So, for all of you who believe Sam was just an obstacle: he wasn't. He was the thing that gave Meredith the strength to love Derek openly. Be thankful for Sam. Meredith will forever be grateful towards him and Sam's character still has a lot of developing to do. He's not gone from the story; he'll be back many times.**


	59. As Lovers Go: Chapter 58

**Part 5: As Lovers Go**  
Chapter 58

"Sam's back," Meredith said quietly as she heard the front door close. She'd been lying in Derek's arms on the bed, channel surfing.

"I should go and talk to him," Derek said as he pulled his arms away from Meredith.

"No," Meredith said stopping him, "Let me. I know you've known him forever and all, but let me talk to him about this."

Derek looked at her curiously, but her pleading eyes made him give in, "Okay, but get me if you need me."

"I will," she said quickly, giving him a small kiss and jumping off the bed.

She walked into the hallway and stood in the doorway to the living room nervously. Sam placed his keys and jacket in the same place as always and then made his way over to the kitchen and grabbed a beer, making no acknowledgement of her.

He walked into his office, messed with a few things, and made his way out with a few things in his hands. He dropped them all off on the coffee table. He sat down on the couch and flipped on the television. "So are you going to stand there all day or tell me what's on your mind?"

Meredith let out a small laugh before making her way over to the couch and sliding down next to Sam. "The hospital called today," she said dully.

Sam took a sip of his beer and focused on the television in front of him, "And?"

"It's the Chief. He had a heart attack and now he's in a coma. We were both close to him. In different ways," Meredith said, her mind drifting back to the events of the years that Derek wasn't around to know about.

"Richard Webber?" Sam asked, "We all know him."

"Really?" Meredith asked a little confused.

Sam looked over at her, "My Dad was a doctor too, you know."

"Offering up information now?" Meredith asked.

"Maybe," Sam answered, turning back to the television and sipping another beer.

"Anyways, the hospital board wants to appoint Derek as Chief. They have a meeting tomorrow," Meredith explained.

"And?"

"And what?"

Sam turned towards her, "What do you think about this?"

"Derek needs to take the job. The board wants him to so obviously it's what's best for the hospital and the patients. That's what matters."

Sam rolled his eyes, "Meredith, I asked what you thought about this."

"I think Derek should do what's right for his career," Meredith answered.

Sam laughed, "That's funny. Real funny," he said sarcastically, "Now what does the real, selfish, lonely, broken Meredith think?"

"You know, I only admitted to the broken part. I never said anything about being selfish or lonely," Meredith answered.

"Some things you don't have to explain. They're just way to obvious. And stop changing the subject. Avoider," Sam said.

Meredith sighed, "Honestly? I'm scared. Being head of neuro he was always at the hospital, but the Chief? That's three times the responsibility and the work. Not to mention the pressure."

Sam looked over at her again, but her eyes were concentrating on her fingers that were currently messing with a lose string on her shirt. He looked down at the beer in his hands and handed it to her. She looked up at him a little confused. "I think you need this more than I do."

She gave him a weak smile and took the beer, taking a big sip.

"What are you going to do?" Sam asked.

"Go back to Seattle," she answered.

Sam eyes her curiously, "Why?"

Meredith smiled and stood up. She looked around the room and then back down at Sam, "One time a very smart man told me that life likes to get in the way of love. And that you can't let it. You can't give up." She turned around and walked back into her room, leaving Sam pleased.

"_But when you really love someone, you have to fight through all that."_


	60. As Lovers Go: Chapter 59

**Part 5: As Lovers Go**

Chapter 59

"Meredith, let me drive," Derek said, as he repositioned himself in the seat and stared out into the black night.

"No, first of all, you made me leave my car behind so I get the pleasure of driving a ridiculously expensive Mercedes. Number two; you drive like an old man so we'd never get to Seattle if you drive. And C, you have a meeting in about four hours. We're just barely going to make it. You need to get some sleep so that you don't fall asleep when they're trying to promote you," Meredith explained.

"I don't want to sleep," Derek said, "I'm not tired."

A wicked smile crossed Meredith's face as she thought of the night before, "Doubtful. I find that very doubtful. Just sleep. You're distracting me from driving."

"Talking is not distracting," Derek said.

"Trust me, with you, it is," Meredith said with a small laugh.

A small silence grew between them. Derek sighed and decided to interrupt it, "Meredith, are you sure you're okay with this? Going back to Seattle and dealing with everything? And me possibly being Chief? Are you sure?"

Meredith tightened her grip on the steering wheel and looked over at Derek, "I'm fine. I already told you that. If I didn't want to go back to Seattle, I'd be in Sam's apartment."

"Are you sure?" Derek asked, sounding concerned.

"Yes, I'm sure," she said with a small nod. The only thing crossing her mind was the exact opposite confession she'd just made to Sam.

"_You are obviously not fine, but you are still putting up this wall of fineness."_

**Tuesday October, 29, 2013-**

"Let me drive."

Meredith rolled her eyes, "Derek, go back to sleep."

"I can't. The sun is rising. It's too bright," Derek complained.

"Then close your eyes," Meredith said simply.

"Let me drive."

"Derek, I am going to be forced to kill you if you don't shut up," Meredith said.

"You're bossy."

"You're annoying."

Derek looked over at her, trying to look offended, but she just burst out laughing, "We're almost there. Just sit back and relax. You act like I'm a horrible driver."

"You are," he mumbled.

Meredith looked over at him, "What did you say?" she asked accusingly.

"Nothing," Derek mumbled, deciding to stay quiet for the rest of the ride.

"That's what I thought," Meredith said satisfied.


	61. As Lovers Go: Chapter 60

**Part 5: As Lovers Go  
**Chapter 60

"Okay, so what's this?" Meredith asked as she turned off the car.

"This? This is my apartment," Derek said as he opened the door and began to get out of the car.

"You upgraded," she mumbled as she got out as well.

"What?" Derek asked, coming over to her side of the car.

"From trailer to apartment."

Derek tilted his head slightly, "Are you joking me?"

"I don't have enough energy to joke you," Meredith said, leaning back on the car.

Derek smiled at her and lifted her chin up with his finger, "Let's get you to bed," he said, taking her hand and leading her up to the apartment.

"How come you didn't tell me you lived this close to my house?" Meredith asked as he unlocked the door.

"How come you didn't tell me you weren't going to get married?" Derek asked as he pushed the door open and led her inside, "And that's not your house anymore. I believe it was Ryan's. You don't live there anymore."

Meredith turned around and looked at him, "So what? I live here?"

"I guess so," Derek said shutting the door.

"What was that you way of not risking being rejected when you asked me to move in with you?" Meredith asked.

"Maybe," Derek answered dropped his keys on a table and walking over to her, "I thought you were tired. You're asking too many questions to be tired," Derek said with a small wink.

"I am tired," she said, not moving.

Derek looked down at her and kissed her gently, pulling away after a few moments, "God, I wish I could just stay here with you."

Meredith smiled, "So do I."

"I'll come back as soon as I can, okay?" he said rubbing her arm gently.

"Okay," Meredith responded quietly.

"Make yourself at home," he said before stealing one more kiss, "After all, this is your home now."

Meredith smiled as he let go and grabbed his key again before heading back to the door, "I'll be home soon."

Meredith nodded and watched him leaving before turning around and taking her new 'home' in.

* * *

Derek walked into the hospital and saw Izzie standing over at the elevator, waiting for the doors to open. He wasn't sure if he should let anyone see him until he gets into that meeting. Less chance of being late. He turned away from the elevator and walked over to the nurse's station, "Debbie? What time is my meeting with the board?" 

"Dr. Shepherd? You've returned?" she asked, receiving a nod from Derek. She looked down at a few things before bringing her eyes up to him, "Seven."

Derek looked down at his watch, "6:50. Perfect. Thanks, Debbie," Derek said before heading down the hallway.

"Welcome back, Dr. Shepherd!" she called out as he continued down the busy hallway.

Derek hurried up two flights of stairs to the third floor. Once he was back in the hallway, he made it to his office. He dropped his brief case and quickly changed into his scrubs. He figured that being in scrubs was better than wrinkly clothes from the drive home, despite the fact he should be in dress pants and a shirt.

When he was satisfied with the way he looked, he pulled on his lab coat and turned to leave. As he opened his door, he came face to face with an angry Cristina Yang.

"You're back." It wasn't a question. It was a statement. A statement full of anger.

"Yes?" Derek said, a little unsure of himself.

"Is she?"

"Yes," Derek said looking down at his watch, "Look, I have a meeting in three minutes. I have to get going."

He tried to push past Cristina, but she quickly put her arm across the doorframe, trapping him. "Is she here?"

"At the hospital? No," Derek answered, getting impatient.

"Then where is she?"

"I can't tell you that."

Cristina took a deep breath, "Look, I've had to deal with Bambi and a pregnant Barbie all by myself, not to mention my own freaking kids. Don't make this difficult for me, because I will make sure you regret it. Now tell me where she is."

Derek sighed and turned back to his office. He picked up a pen a quickly scribbled down an address before bringing it to Cristina, "She's tired and we just got here. Leave her alone for a little bit." Cristina looked down at the address, not moving her arm. "Can I go now?"

Cristina looked up at him, "Fine," she grumbled, releasing him. She turned and watched him practically race down the hall as she stuck the paper in her pocket and headed towards the locker room.

"Dr. Shepherd, thank you for joining us," a man said as Derek walked into the conference room.

Derek smiled lightly as he took his seat, "I'm sorry for barely making it. I was out of town and just informed yesterday of the Chief's condition and of this meeting."

An older woman smiled at Derek as he got settled, "You're perfectly on time."

"Unfortunately, Dr. Webber is still in a coma. Although we would normally just appoint a temporary Chief, we are thinking more along permanent lines. Even if Dr. Webber recovers from this, I'm sure you know that he is at high risk of suffering from serious brain damage. This hospital cannot go without a Chief and considering our options, we'd like to appoint you as Chief of Seattle Grace."

* * *

"Meredith? Meredith, where the hell are you!" 

Meredith groaned and rolled over, pulling her blanket above her head.

Cristina found her way into the bedroom and rolled her eyes at the messiness of it. "Get your ass out of bed, right now."

"Cristina, I was driving all night. We can have the talk or whatever later. Just leave me alone," she whined, as she waved Cristina away.

"Don't complain to me," Cristina said, "That's your problem. Now get your ass out of bed," Cristina repeated as she threw the blanket off of Meredith.

"Please go away," Meredith mumbled as she buried her face into her pillow, taking in Derek's strong lingering scent.

"Okay. What's wrong with you?" Cristina asked, annoyed with Meredith's persistence. Usually Cristina didn't have to do much for Meredith to just give in and do what she said. Today, however, she wasn't giving in.

"Nothing," she groaned pulling her blanket over her head again.

"Liar," Cristina snapped. "What's wrong with you?"

Meredith threw her arms over the blanket and on her sides, pulling the blanket off her face. She turned her head and looked over at Cristina, "The Chief is in a coma."

"I know that," Cristina said as she sat down on the bed, "You would have known when it happened if you had been at the hospital, doing your job, you know, the thing you went to school for eight years for."

"And they're going to make Derek Chief."

"What?" Cristina said shooting up, "They're going to make freaking McDreamy Chief instead of Burke? What the hell is wrong with them? McDreamy hasn't even been at work in like a freaking week! I'm supposed to be married to the Chief, not you!"

Meredith looked at her slightly annoyed. She was annoyed because she was dead exhausted and Cristina felt the need to yell at her. Tons of comments were running through her mind as a response to her words, but only one sentence came out of her mouth, "I'm not married to Derek." After that, she fell back on the pillows, went under the blanket, and was out.

* * *

Derek stood up and shook all of their hands. He muttered his goodbyes before leaving the conference room and heading out to his car. He silently got in and drove through the streets of Seattle, happy to be back. He pulled into the apartment complex and parked his car in his usual spot. 

As he walked into his apartment, he was happy that for the first time, he wasn't alone in it. He walked through the disheveled living room and towards the back bedroom. When he reached it, he saw the door shut. He quietly pushed it open and leaned against the bare doorframe. He saw the sun shining brightly from the window down on Meredith. She was lying scattered across the bed, peacefully asleep.

He smiled as he made his way over to the bed. He stopped and looked down at her, not wanting to disrupt her serenity. His finger reached down to gently brush a hair away from her face, but it stayed lingering against her skin. She moved close to his touch, a small smile playing on her lips.

He sat down next to her on the bed as her eyes slowly opened, resting upon his. She curled into his body as he leaned against his headboard. She closed her eyes again, allowing his warmth to embrace her body.

"You got back quickly," she said quietly, keeping her body wrapped closely in his sheets.

"It's been three hours," he said with a small chuckle, "You must have slept through it."

"Almost," she said, opening her eyes again to see his warm smile.

"Almost?" he questioned, allowing his finger to caress her face.

She smiled at him, "Cristina. She came, but she left."

"Oh," Derek said, still enchanted by her smile, "Do you like the place?"

"I don't know," she said, closing her eyes again and cuddling closer into Derek's body, "I haven't really seen it."

"I hope you do," Derek said.

Meredith's eyes opened again and she looked up at Derek, her smile suddenly absent, "Derek… this, this is all really great… it's just... it's kind of fast, don't you think? I mean… two weeks ago I was getting married, and now, now I'm living with you," she said as she sat up, "I'm not complaining... I mean, I love that I'm with you… it's just… it's all happening so fast... you know?"

Derek's smile fell, but he brought it back as he looked into Meredith's eyes, "We can take it as slow as you want. This can be just my apartment right now. That's fine."

Meredith looked down at her own hands self-consciously before looking back up at Derek, "I'm sorry. I know you were just being all dreamy and wonderful… but I just…"

"You're scared?" Derek interrupted. She looked back down, giving Derek his answer. He lifted her chin back up, making her look him in his eyes, "Trust me. I am here. I'm going to be here forever. I'm going to help fix you. One day, you aren't going to be broken anymore."

Meredith smiled and let her head fall into his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and began running his fingers through her long hair. She felt safe in his arms and she trusted his words. Despite the fact that the times before when he'd asked her to trust him kept running through her mind.

As the silence lasted a little while, Derek kept feeling compelled to the let the words on his mind out in the air. He wanted to tell Meredith, but he wasn't sure what her reaction would be. Finally, he sighed and looked down at Meredith, "I saw the board."

"Your meeting," she said, waiting for explanation.

"They really do want me to be Chief," Derek said, his eyes darting around the room. Meredith looked up at him. She wasn't sure whether that meant he accepted or not. He seemed uneasy, but that didn't tell her a thing.

She looked back down and saw his hand, fiddling with the sheets. She looked back up at him and his troubled face before grabbing his hand and holding on to it tightly. "I'm here too," she whispered, holding on to Derek like she'd never let go.

"_Some things you don't have to explain."_


	62. As Lovers Go: Chapter 61

**Part 5: As Lovers Go  
**Chapter 61

Meredith looked back at Derek as he drove away. He didn't want her to go by herself, but she insisted. She was going to have to face her friends eventually. She couldn't hide behind him for this.

She rang the doorbell again and heard Izzie's slow footsteps coming towards the door. She pulled open the door and was stunned to see Meredith standing before her. "Meredith! You're back!" she exclaimed, wrapping her arms around an unexpected Meredith.

"Yeah, I'm back," Meredith mumbled, "Izzie you are crushing me."

Izzie immediately let go and looked at her, "I'm so glad you're back!"

"Yeah, me too," Meredith said as Izzie shut the door and pulled her into the living room.

"Take a seat. Alex is at the hospital," she said as she sat down on the couch, Meredith joining her. "So, Derek found you?"

Meredith smiled, "Yeah, he did."

"Good," Izzie said before switching subjects, "I had an ultrasound yesterday."

"Is the baby doing alright?" Meredith asked, wondering why Izzie would bring it up.

"Perfect. Doing just fine," she said smiling, "We found out the sex!"

Meredith was surprised at the way her friend's face lit up. Apparently that's what you look like when you are actually happy. "What is it?" she asked after coming out of her thoughts.

"It's a girl!" she practically squealed.

After about an hour of baby talk, Izzie finally came down from cloud nine and became the regular overly happy Izzie, instead of crazy overly happy Izzie. She knew it seemed like she hadn't, but she could sense a difference in the way Meredith was acting from the way she had before she left.

"So, what's going on with you, Mer? Have a romantic story about how McDreamy found you and swept you off your feet?" she asked, hoping to bring Meredith's spirits up.

Meredith smiled a little and looked up at Izzie, "I was living with Derek's cousin. I just didn't know he was his cousin," she explained, receiving an odd look from Izzie, "Sam, that's his cousin, apparently figured it out and called Derek. I'm still not sure how all that worked out, but I opened the door one day and Derek was standing right there in front of me."

"That is such sappy romance movie material," Izzie joked, eliciting a small giggle from Meredith before becoming more serious. "Meredith, if Derek didn't come a find you, were you ever going to come back?"

Meredith looked at Izzie in thought for a few minutes before responding. "You know what Iz? I don't think that really matters. I mean, I'm back after all, right?" She stood up and looked back at Izzie, "I should get going. I'll call Derek and have him pick me up. He's just at the coffee shop down the street." As she spoke, she walked out of the living room and headed towards the door, taking out her cell phone, with Izzie following her.

"Meredith," Izzie said, stopping Meredith in her tracks, "You know, you should have came back for reasons other than Derek. For your job, your friends. Your life. We matter too, you know?"

Meredith turned around and looked at Izzie's solemn face. "I know," she said quietly, afraid that if she spoke up, a million tears would come out with it. "I'll see you later," she whispered before dialing Derek's number and walking out of the house, leaving Izzie to watch her leave.

"_You have secret pain, don't you?"

* * *

_

As soon as Derek pulled into Izzie's driveway, Meredith basically jumped into the car. She buckled herself in and sat back into the chair, breathing deeply.

Derek looked over at her with a concerned look, "You okay, Mer?" he asked, covering her hand with his own.

Meredith looked down at their hands with a weird look, making Derek pull away, "Meredith, what happened? She's not mad at you is she? It could just be hormones, Mer. She is five months pregnant."

"No," Meredith said as she shook her head, "She's not mad."

Derek wanted to believe what she was saying, but he couldn't help but doubt her words. He continued to look at her, but she kept her eyes focused on the house in front of them. "Meredith, are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine. Can we just go?" she asked, still unable to look at Derek.

"Sure Mer," Derek said, giving in. He packed out of the driveway as Meredith took a few deep breaths. When he was back on a main road, he grabbed Meredith's hand again and held on to it tightly. "I'm still here, Mer."

Meredith just nodded, choking back her own tears.

_Once upon a year gone by  
she saw herself give in  
every time she closed her eyes  
she saw what could have been

* * *

_

"What do you want for dinner, Mer?" Derek asked as he went through a few cabinets in the kitchen, trying to figure out what food he had.

Meredith looked over at him as she took her jacket off and draped it over the couch. "I'm not really hungry. I think I'm just going to go to bed."

"You sure?" Derek asked as his eyes went from her to the clock on the stove, "It's barely seven."

"Yeah," she said quietly, "I don't feel so great."

Derek looked at her with a confused look as she shuffled into the bedroom. He stopped what he was doing and closed the cabinets. He walked down the hallway and stopped halfway, just watching her.

She didn't do anything out of the ordinary. She just slowly got changed into a pair of Derek's sweats and one of his shirts before falling into bed. The entire time, her head and shoulders were slouched. It didn't seem like normal Meredith. All of her movements were slow and drawn out.

When she finally was wrapped up in the sheets, Derek walked into the bedroom and sat down on the bed. He didn't understand what had changed. She wasn't perfectly fine earlier, but she was better than this. His eyes never left her as he sat there. He knew she wasn't asleep yet and she knew he was sitting there staring at her, but she lay there with her eyes closed pretending that she was alone.

_well nothing hurts and nothing bleeds  
when covers tucked in tight  
funny when the bottom drops  
how she forgets to fight... to fight_


	63. As Lovers Go: Chapter 62

**Part 5: As Lovers Go  
**Chapter 62

**Wednesday October 30, 2013-**

Meredith woke up wondering where Derek was. Despite her pretending of loneliness, she had expected him to be there. She pulled herself out of the bed and lazily made her way to the kitchen where she found Derek.

He turned around and smiled at her before grabbing a cup of coffee and handing it to her. She took it as he kissed her quickly on the lips, "Morning, sweetheart," he mumbled before making his way back over to the stove.

Meredith sipped her coffee carefully as she watched Derek, "What are you doing?"

He turned off the stove and smiled at her, "You didn't eat much yesterday so I figured you'd be hungry. Want breakfast?"

"Sure," she said as she took a seat at his small kitchen table. He dished out the food and then brought it over to the table, setting down both plates before grabbing his own cup of coffee and joining Meredith at the table. "This looks really good," Meredith said as she picked up her fork.

"You okay?" Derek asked, not touching his food.

Meredith took a bite of the eggs and savored the taste before looking back at Derek, "I'm fine."

"Promise?" Derek asked, looking her in the eye.

She hesitated for a moment, her body tensing, before letting it go. "Yeah, I'm fine. So, going to work today?"

"That depends. Are you going to work today?"

Meredith took another bite of her breakfast before looking back at Derek, "One more day?"

Derek smiled, "One more day.

_And it's one more day in paradise  
one more day in paradise

* * *

_  
"What do you want to do one our last day without being doctors?" Derek asked as he put down Meredith's things that he'd brought in from the car.

She looked up at him from the bed, "Lie here."

"Really?" Derek asked as he climbed into bed with her. "Any reason?" he asked as he wrapped his arms around her.

"Nope," she said quietly as she snuggled into Derek, "Just thinking."

"Thinking?" he asked as he intertwined their fingers and began playing with them.

"Yes," she whispered as she turned her head towards his chest.

"What about?" he asked, matching her whisper.

Meredith looked down at their hands and didn't answer him. A few moments passed and he was about to try again, but she spoke first. "How long?"

"Huh?" he asked, looking down at her.

She matched his eyes and opened her mouth again, "How long are you going to be here?"

He looked at her with confusion for a moment before answering, "I don't have to go to work till-"

"No," she interrupted, his face becoming more confused. She tore her eyes away from his and relaxed her head back on his chest, her eyes focusing on their hands again, "How long are you going to be _here_."

His confusion stayed for a few moments before he understood what she meant. "Forever," he whispered into her ear. His confusion resurfaced as he wondered why she asked. He didn't want to bug her, so he just kissed her forehead and moved his lips back to her ear, "I'll be here forever." He decided reassuring her was the only way to get her through whatever this was.

"Okay," she whispered, nodding her head to herself.

_As darkness quickly steals the light  
that shined within her eyes  
she slowly swallows all her fear  
and soothes her mind with lies_

* * *

_Before you all start to hate me, put yourself in Meredith's shoes and think it over.  
Don't worry too much, the dark and twisty days are coming to an end soon.  
_


	64. As Lovers Go: Chapter 63

**Part 5: As Lovers Go  
**Chapter 63

**Thursday October 31, 2013-**

"Good morning, Mer," Derek whispered into Meredith's ear waking her up.

She groaned and rolled over into Derek, "Just a little bit longer," she whispered.

"Nope, gotta get up," Derek said, pulling her out of bed with him. She groaned again, but he just laughed, "Happy Halloween, Mer."

"What are you? Five?" she asked as she finally opened her eyes.

"No, but it is five. And I have to be at work at six," he said as she stood up next to the bed.

"I need a shower," she groaned as she released herself from Derek's arms and made her way to the bathroom.

"Breakfast," he mumbled to himself as he ventured into the kitchen. Halfway through making pancakes, there was a knock on the apartment door. He looks up from the kitchen and then went to the door. He opened it and was surprised to see Cristina.

"Wear more clothes when you answer the door, McDreamy," Cristina blurted out.

Derek looked down at himself a remembered he was in a white tee-shirt and a pair of boxers. "Wait a second. You're the one who's at my doorstep at five in the morning."

"Correction, 5:20 and now it's not just your doorstep. Apparently it's Meredith's as well. Now move," Cristina said, trying to get him out of her way.

"She's in the shower," Derek said, stopping her.

Cristina rolled her eyes, "The water just turned off, now get out of my way." She pushed past Derek and found her way through the apartment. Derek just watched her a little confused, but shut the door and went back to making breakfast.

Cristina knocked on the bedroom door. Not because she was polite or anything, solely because she did not need to see anymore of Meredith than she already had. "Hold on second, Derek."

"This is _so_ not McDreamy," Cristina said into the door.

"Cristina?" she heard come from a confused voice on the other side of the door.

A few seconds past and Meredith opened the door. Her hair was soaking wet and she was dressed in a pair of sweats. "What are you doing here?"

"We need to talk," she said, "Or something."

"Why?" Meredith asked as Cristina walked in and sat down on the bed.

"Because… that's what people do," Cristina said, referring to their fight yesterday.

When Meredith finally understood what Cristina meant, she sat down next to her and looked at her best friend. "We don't have to," Meredith said, "The talking and stuff? Doesn't really work with us."

Cristina looked up at her, "You're right. It doesn't." She looked down at her hands and then back towards Meredith, "So what's wrong with you?"

"Nothing is wrong with me," Meredith answered.

"Lair," Cristina mumbled as she stood up. Once she reached the door, she stopped and looked back at Meredith, "I'll see you at work?"

"Not today," Meredith mumbled as she lay back in bed.

"Why?" Cristina asked, "So you can lie around in self-pity?"

"I don't have self-pity," Meredith said as she stared at the ceiling.

"Yeah, okay," Cristina said sarcastically before opening the door again and walking out, leaving Meredith alone.

_  
Well all she wants and all she needs  
are reasons to survive  
a day in which the sun will take  
her artificial light... her light

* * *

_

"Why aren't you going to go into work?" Derek asked as he looked at Meredith who was lying on the bed.

She shrugged her shoulders, "I'm just not ready."

"Okay, then just come and see the Chief," he said as he sat down next to her.

"I'm looking at him," she mumbled.

"You know it would mean a lot to him," Derek said as he tried to pull Meredith out of bed.

Meredith looked at him doubtfully, "He wouldn't know."

"Mer, we don't know that for sure," Derek said.

"I just feel like lying around today, okay Derek?" Meredith asked.

Derek looked at her concerned, but decided not to bug her. "Okay. I'll be home as soon as I can, okay?"

"Okay," she said.

"I love you," he said before kissing her.

"Love you too," she answered as he stood up, "Bye Chief."

"I'm not the Chief," Derek called back as he walked out of the room.

"Not yet," she said to herself.  
_  
And it's one more day in paradise  
one more day in paradise  
it's one more day in paradise  
one last chance to feel alright... alright_


	65. As Lovers Go: Chapter 64

**Part 5: As Lovers Go  
**Chapter 64

Meredith looked down at her hands before letting her eyes venture towards the window that was slightly blocked by half open blinds. She didn't know why she had come. She shouldn't have. Her first instinct was to not come, but she did.

After staring for what seemed like forever, she walked over to the door and put her hand on it. As a doctor, she'd been in this room many times before. She has had patients in here before. This time was different though. When she stepped through that door, she wouldn't become Dr. Grey. She'd stay Meredith. Just plain, vulnerable Meredith.

Despite her mind telling her to run away, she pushed the door open, stepped in, and shut it behind her. She walked over to a chair that was placed next to the silent bed and took a seat. She sat back on the hard plastic and looked at the man in the bed.

She'd known this man practically all her life. He wasn't just her Chief of Surgery. He'd been part of her life. He'd looked out for her over the years. But right now, he wasn't the same man. The man she'd known was smart, strong, stubborn, and an amazing surgeon.

Right now, his skin was pale, but that was the only thing that you could see on the surface. But as a doctor, Meredith knew the realities of the situation. She knew that if he didn't wake up soon, he could suffer from severe kidney, liver, and brain damage, if he hadn't already. There was a chance that he wouldn't be the same person when he woke up. He wouldn't be able to be a surgeon anymore.

Meredith looked down at her hands that were fiddling with a lose string from her shirt. She didn't want to believe this. Before she left, he was fine. Ever since his wife had divorced him, he began to get closer to Meredith. He protected her, looked out for her, even more than he already had done. But she just up and left. She wasn't there for him when he needed her most. And right now, she couldn't be here either.

Don't pretend to hold it in just let it out  
don't pretend to hold it in just push it out  
don't you try to hold it in just let it out and  
don't you try to hold it in you hold it in

* * *

As Meredith walked through the hospital, she realized she didn't have a way home. She had called Cristina and made her bring her to the hospital, but now Cristina was working and she didn't really want Derek to know that she had come. She didn't want to have to explain it to him.

She found her way to the OR board and noticed that Derek was in surgery. Slightly uplifted that he wouldn't know she was there, she hurried down to his office as a hiding place.

When she finally reached it, she walked in and closed the door behind her without bothering with the light. She traced the side of the desk with her fingertips as she found her way to the comfortable leather chair that Derek loved so much. She let her eyes gaze around the rather plain desk. It was completely impersonal. It had a nameplate, a few files, a coffee mug, some post-its, pens, and highlighters. She wasn't that surprised considering the small amount of time he'd been back in Seattle.

Deciding she needed something to pass her time, she began to get a little nosy. She opened the first drawer and was slightly disappointed to see nothing, but work-related items. She was beginning to think he was a little more boring than she had originally thought. The second and third drawers were the same.

As she bent down to get to the bottom one, she realized it was locked. She sat back up and thought for a moment. Knowing that Derek couldn't have hid the key too well because he'd forget where it was, she grabbed the mug that was being used as a pen and pencil holder. Just as she suspected, at the very bottom, there was a small silver key.

She grabbed it and quickly unlocked the drawer before placing the key back on his desk. When she pulled it open, her first thoughts were that it was just as boring as the other drawers. But when she looked closer, she noticed something under the manila folder.

She pulled the folder out and placed it on the desk before focusing her attention on the contents of the drawer again. The first thing she found was a frame turned over. She pulled it out and turned it over to see herself wrapped in Derek's arms. It seemed like that picture was taken a million years ago, but she remembered the day perfectly. It was only a few days before everything came crashing down. They'd been so happy.

Meredith wiped a reminiscent tear from her eye and placed the frame on top of the folder. In the drawer, she found a few more pictures of them, and some just of her. The last picture was different. It wasn't of them. It was of a house she'd never seen before. It seemed like it had been cut out of a magazine or newspaper. She didn't understand why in the world Derek would have a picture of a house that she'd never seen before mixed with the pictures of her. It didn't make any logical sense.

Giving up, Meredith placed it and the other pictures back as well as the file. The only thing left on the desk was the framed picture. She picked it up again and looked at it for a few moments. They were at the ferryboat docks, just enjoying the day. They didn't have to work and they were very thankful for the break. Izzie and Alex had been riding the ferry and saw them. Izzie being Izzie, took a picture of them without them knowing. Meredith had thought she looked terrible that day so she wanted to kill Izzie, but looking at it now, it was gorgeous. The picture had grasped them perfectly. It was simple, but both of their faces were lit up and their bodies were ignited with love. Meredith never understood how a picture could capture something like that, but it did. _  
_

_ And it's one more day in paradise  
one more day in paradise  
it's one more day in paradise  
one last chance to feel alright... alright_

_Once upon a year gone by_

Meredith was surprised how much time really had gone by since the photo was taken. How much had changed. Everything had changed in all reality. They had gone from two people in love to two people who hurt and abandoned each other. They had found each other again, but those feelings of hurt and abandonment would never go away.

_She saw herself give in_

Meredith tore her eyes away from the picture and locked the drawer back up. She stood up and looked at the office, realizing that this wouldn't be his office for much longer. Soon he'd have a much nicer, larger, more luxurious office in the center of the hospital. She still wasn't used to the idea of Derek going from Dr. Shepherd to Chief Shepherd. It just didn't seem right.

_Every time she closed her eyes_

She walked away from the desk and towards the door. As she left, she took one more look at the office and the small sliver of the picture that she could see from that angle. She gave it a half-hearted smile before turning and walking out the door.

She slowly walked through the hallways, deciding that she'd call a cab. After all, she still didn't feel like explaining herself to Derek. As she reached the automatic doors at the front of the hospital, she was relieved that she hadn't run into anyone. Just as the thought ran through her mind, she looked up and saw a familiar pair of brown eyes standing in front of her.

_She saw what could have been_

"Meredith."

The second he had the courage to speak, she turned in the opposite direction and down the stairwell. She could hear his steps behind her, but she didn't care. She hurried down them and then out the front door of the hospital. Remembering she had nowhere to go, she found a bench that was a little more private then the others before opening her cell phone and dialing a number.

"Izzie? I'm really sorry, but I need your help. I need you to come to the hospital and pick me up as soon as possible, okay?" Meredith explained, tears threatening to fall. After Izzie finished responding Meredith ended the phone call.

"Meredith."

"Ryan, please leave me alone," Meredith pleaded without even looking at him.

He walked in front of her and kneeled down so he'd be at eye level with her, "Mer, please talk to me."

"I… I can't," Meredith said as she tried to get up.

"Meredith," Ryan said, stopping her, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Ryan," Meredith said as she got up and began walking to the parking lot.

"Meredith, just tell me why. That's all I want to know," Ryan called out. Meredith stopped dead in her tracks, guilt running through her. She turned around as Ryan walked closer to her, "Was it something I did? Meredith, I knew we weren't perfect, but I loved you. I still love you. I thought you loved me."

Meredith looked down as her salty tears ran down her face, "I did, Ryan. I did love you. I just… I can't. I can't do this." She turned around and headed into the parking lot. She knew there wasn't a car for her, but she decided that walking around aimlessly until Izzie arrived was better than facing Ryan.

* * *

Derek pulled off his lab coat as he walked into his office and then finished off the coffee he had. He'd just gotten out of his second surgery of the day and it was getting late. He felt bad that he'd left Meredith at home all day. 

As he relaxed in his desk chair, he realized the picture sitting on his desk. He'd seen it practically everyday for the last eight years, but he was surprised to see it there. He looked down at the bottom drawer and saw that it was cracked open a little. His mind when directly to Meredith and he smiled.

He looked down at his watch and felt bad again. He quickly got changed and grabbed his briefcase before heading out the door. Halfway down the hallway, he stopped and turned around. He walked past his own office and ventured farther down the hall. When he found the room he was looking for, he stopped and knocked. After hearing a call from inside, he opened the door and walked inside.

He closed the door behind him as he uncomfortably walked further into the office. "Dr. Shepherd? What are you doing here?"

Derek looked at the man who used to be his best friend, but had turned into his enemy, "I just needed to talk to you for a moment, Ryan."

"Here to kill me?" Ryan asked, halfway serious.

Derek looked at his strangely, "No," he changed his expression as he walked up to the desk, "Ryan, I just have to say thanks. Thank you for letting her go. I know it's not an easy thing to do."

Ryan looked Derek straight in the eye as his fist clenched under the desk. He looked down at his desk and then back to Derek. "Congratulations on being named Chief, Dr. Shepherd."

Derek nodded and turned around and walked out. He knew that eventually, once Meredith and Ryan were back on speaking terms, she'd force them to talk as well. He had decided to try it for Meredith. At least he tried.

* * *

"You know, you could just tell me," Izzie said as she parked the car in front of Derek's apartment, "You could. I mean, I know you and Cristina are close, but I like to think we are almost as, if not just as close." 

Meredith looked over at Izzie, "Thanks, Iz. For the ride, really. I just couldn't handle that right now. I want to talk to Ryan when I'm ready, you know?"

Izzie nodded, "Yeah."

"I'll see you later," Meredith said as she opened the door and began to get out.

"Wait, Mer," Izzie said, stopping her, "Do you want me to talk to him? Ryan, I mean. Tell him to back off for awhile?"

"You don't have to do that Izzie," Meredith said, standing outside of the car.

"I know, I just, it's what friends do," she answered with a small smile, "Don't worry about it. He can't do anything to me. You can't hurt a pregnant woman. It's unethical."

Meredith smiled at Izzie's remark, "Thanks, Iz. I'll call you later, okay?"

"Okay," Izzie said as Meredith shut the door and hurried up to the apartment.


	66. As Lovers Go: Chapter 65

_I know as of right now, some of you don't understand what Meredith is going through. Well, all I can say is don't feel bad. No one else in her life understands it either! But once Meredith opens up, it'll hopefully make more sense. And if it doesn't after that, then I'll explain it! I hope you guys are still liking this story! I know it's extremely long, but I like this world I kind of created. This one is actually coming to a close after about ten more chapters, but there's a sequel:)  
_

* * *

**  
Part 5: As Lovers Go  
**Chapter 65

Meredith walked into the apartment and was surprised when she saw Derek in front of her. "Hey," he said as he walked over to her and gave her a quick kiss, "I was getting a little worried about you."

"Oh," she said quietly, "Sorry."

"You sure you're okay?" Derek asked as he gently caressed her cheek.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just tired, you know?" she said as she brushed past him and walked into the bedroom.

"What do you want for dinner?" Derek called from the kitchen, "What about lasagna? Does that sound good? Meredith?"

Meredith had already thrown herself on the bed by the time Derek had started talking again. After she heard him call her name, she made a decision. "Derek?"

"Yeah?" he called from the kitchen.

"Come here," she said a little quieter, bringing him into the bedroom.

"Yeah?" Derek asked as he walked in.

She turned around and faced him, "Come here," she said again.

He walked over to the bed and looked down at her, "What do you need?"

She swallowed hard and looked up at him, "I need you to stop trying to be the perfect, amazing, supportive boyfriend." He looked at her strangely for a moment, so she decided to continue, "Right, now Derek, I need you. I need _my _Derek."

He was still confused, but he didn't say anything. Meredith just reached out and grabbed his arm, pulling him down on the bed. Once he was sitting up on the bed, she curled up close to him and held on to him tightly.

"Mer…" he said softly. He didn't know what he was supposed to do. He didn't know what was going on in her head or how she wanted him to react. "I don't understand."

She pulled her head away from him and looked up in his eyes, "This is broken Meredith. Just let me get through this."

She buried her head back into his chest as thoughts ran through Derek's mind. He didn't know how to help her. He'd never felt so helpless before. She was right there, holding on to him, but he couldn't do anything for her.

"Derek?"

Meredith gently nudged him, realizing he'd fallen asleep, "Derek?"

"Hmm?" he asked as he turned towards her, waking up a little.

"Wake up," she said, "I want to talk to you."

Derek yawned and opened his eyes, "Okay, I'm awake."

Meredith sat up and looked down at Derek, "Do you ever think about McKenzie?"

"What?" Derek asked as he sat up as well. This was definitely not the conversation he was expecting to have in the middle of the night with her.

"McKenzie," she repeated, "You know, the women you were married to for five years? Do you ever think about her?"

Derek looked at her strangely. He had no idea what answer she was looking for and he didn't want to make her upset. "Sometimes, rarely, but sometimes."

"It's okay if you do, I just wanted to know," Meredith said as she laid back down. Despite her words, Derek knew she wasn't fine with it. She didn't want him to be thinking about another woman. He wasn't sure if she was upset or mad or anything, but he knew she wasn't overly happy about it either.


	67. As Lovers Go: Chapter 66

**Part 5: As Lovers Go  
**Chapter 66

**Friday November 1, 2013-**

"Meredith, this whole lazy, pity, thing? Doesn't work for you," Cristina said.

"What?" Meredith asked as she opened her eyes and pulled her head of the pillow.

"Get up," Cristina said dully.

"Why?" Meredith asked as she stretched her neck to look at the clock, "It's seven. Let me sleep."

"You really did forget what it's like to be a doctor, didn't you?" Cristina said, "You don't sleep till seven. Ever. Now get up."

"I have coffee!" Izzie sang as she walked into the bedroom.

Meredith looked up at Cristina and glared at her, "You brought a pregnant woman?"

"You sound like me," Cristina commented.

"Sit up! You don't want to spill the coffee, it's really hot!" Izzie said as she handed the mug to Meredith, "You are really lucky I'm giving you coffee. Alex hasn't been able to drink it since I got pregnant."

Meredith took the coffee and sipped it, savoring the taste. She looked back up at her friends. Cristina had a scowl on her face, but Izzie was literally bright and shinny. "Where's Derek?"

"At work. You know, the place you should be. The place I want to be, but no, I have to be here," Cristina said.

"I didn't ask you to come," Meredith said as she sat up, "Go to the hospital. I don't care."

"And leave you alone?" Izzie asked, "That wouldn't be nice!"

"And then Derek would kill us," Cristina said before thinking, "Not that I'm actually afraid of him. I could snap him in half. He's just annoying and I don't like annoying."

"Derek asked you guys to come?" Meredith asked, a little surprised.

Izzie sat down next to Meredith on the bed, "So, what's going on with you? You freaked out at my house. I didn't mean to freak you out."

"Really? Were you bright and shinny? That'll freak out any normal human being," Cristina said as she joined them on the bed and grabbed Meredith's coffee.

"Why is everyone convinced there is something wrong with me?" Meredith asked as she grabbed her coffee back.

"Because," Cristina said, taking the mug just as Meredith was about to take another sip, "You're Meredith. There's always something wrong with you."

"I talked to Ryan," Izzie said, "He said he'd leave you alone. You could come and pick up your stuff any time since you probably still have the key." Meredith looked down at her hands as Izzie spoke. She really didn't feel like talking about this. "It's Ryan, isn't it?" Izzie finally asked.

"Don't you dare tell me you are thinking about choosing lover boy over McDreamy. That's just wrong," Cristina said as Meredith fell back on the mattress.

"I'm not," she said, "I love Derek. I really do."

"Then why are you being all self-pityish?" Cristina asked, adding her own word to the English language.

"I'm not!" Meredith said, looking up at Cristina.

"Mer, why are you not being yourself?" Izzie asked sincerely.

Meredith sighed and looked over at Izzie, "Say Denny didn't die," her words shocked Izzie, but she kept quiet, figuring Meredith was dark and twisty so she should just leave her alone, "Say you guys just broke up. Then you went back to Alex just like you did and you fell in love, got married, and are now pregnant. Say all that happened and you were generally happy, but then Denny came back. Unexpectedly, Denny came back and wanted you back. Then say you did go back to Denny. Wouldn't you still miss Alex? After spending years with only him, depending on him, living with him, loving him?"

"You're still in love with him?" Izzie asked.

"No," Meredith said quickly, "I love Derek, it's just, eight years. That's a really long time. Five of those years I spent with Ryan. I wasn't even with Derek for a year. How do I know that Derek and I can even make it five years? What if love _isn't_ enough? What if Derek made a mistake by divorcing McKenzie? And what if I made a mistake by walking out on Ryan?"

"Whoa," Cristina said, stopping Meredith, "You seriously need to get out more. You are thinking _way_ too much."

Meredith sat back up, "Really though, Cristina. I just don't know anymore. I feel so horrible for what I did to Ryan and I can't help but think that it may have been a mistake. I just don't know…" as she trailed off, she let her body hit the mattress again.

"Mer…" Izzie said quietly. She had no idea what had been running through her mind and right now, she felt horrible for her friend.

"Meredith?" Meredith shot up the second she heard the deep voice.

"Oh, crap," Cristina mumbled as she stood up, "We're leaving now." She grabbed Izzie and pulled her out of the bedroom. "You told me he already was at work!" Cristina hissed.

"I thought he was," Izzie said, trying to be released from Cristina's grasp.

"Sure you did," Cristina said angrily as she pulled Izzie out of the apartment.

"Meredith, we should talk. Really talk," Derek said as he entered the room and sat down next to Meredith.

She wouldn't look at him. She couldn't. She was positive that he heard what she said and she couldn't face him knowing that. She just couldn't.

Derek rubbed his hands nervously together, trying to figure out the best way to approach her about this. She'd been so irritable lately and he didn't what her to shut him out. That was the last thing he wanted.

"You can… umm… you can talk to me… about this stuff. You know that, right?" Derek said, trying to piece his thoughts and words together.

Meredith shook her head, her eyes still focused on the ground, "No… no I can't."

"Meredith," Derek said as he lifted her face to look at him, "I love you. There is no doubt in my mind that you love me. If you are having doubts then tell me. This isn't going to work any other way."

"I don't know what's wrong with me," Meredith said, her eyes still hesitate to look up at Derek, "I'm just being crazy or… something. I don't know."

"Guess what?" Derek said again, this time drawing her eyes towards him, "You don't always have to know everything, Meredith."

She looked at him for a moment, no words passing between them. He smiled at her, but her expression didn't change. Derek finally sighed, "Come here," he whispered as he pulled her into his arms, "If this is a mistake," he whispered into her ear, "Then we'll figure that out one day. But for right now, it's risk I'm more than willing to take."

Meredith pulled away from Derek and looked up at him, "How do you do that?"

"Do what?" he asked, a little confused.

"Be like that," she said, "Always saying sweets things."

He smiled, "I'm making up for lost time."

"Then you have a lot more sweet talking to do."

"Yes," he answered, "I guess I do." Despite his words, Derek abandoned the sweet talking technique and kissed her.


	68. Kiss Me: Chapter 67

_Time for Part 6, the last part of the story! I had a really hard time naming this one for some reason, but I just ended up sticking with this title! I hope everyone now understands Meredith's insecurities and problems. I'm also really glad that you guys have liked this story so much and I think that you'll like the sequel even more!_

* * *

**Part 6: Kiss Me  
**Chapter 67

**Saturday, November 2, 2013-**

"Feeling better today?" Derek asked as Meredith walked out of the bedroom and grabbed a set at the table. It seemed like she'd done it everyday of her life, when in reality it was the first time she'd joined him easily.

"Yeah," she said, "I guess I am," she said as he handed her a hot cup of coffee.

"Well, to make sure of that, I've got some things planned for today."

"Really?" she said with a smile as he placed down two bowls of his favorite cereal, "And let me guess, this isn't one of them?"

He laughed, "You should eat healthy, but no, this isn't one of them."

"Good," she answered as she ate a spoonful.

* * *

"Derek? Where are we going?" Meredith asked as she looked over at Derek. 

"It would ruin it if I just told you," he said with a smirk.

"Derek…" she whined, wanting to know.

He chuckled a little and looked over at her, "Good things come to those who wait."

"Well I don't want to wait," she said childishly as she crossed her arms.

"Just be patient."

Meredith didn't say anything else as she watched the road before them. She looked at the signs on the highway and as Derek switched into an exit lane, she looked over at him. "Derek? Why are we going to the airport?"

"I have no idea what you are talking about," he said, trying to keep his smirk to himself.

* * *

"Harrisburg? As in Pennsylvania?" Meredith asked as Derek led her to security, "Why in the world are we going to Harrisburg?" 

"You are very whiny. Do you realize how whiny you are?" Derek chuckled as he walked through the metal detector and then grabbed his keys and cell phone out of the small basket.

"Derek, what do you have planned? You don't even know if I like Harrisburg. Maybe I don't even want to go to Harrisburg. What is so great about it?"

"Trust me," he said as they headed to the terminal, "You want to go to Harrisburg."

"Derek Shepherd, what do you have planned?" she asked suspiciously.

Derek smiled at her, "You trust me, right?" She nodded and he kissed her forehead, "Then get on that plane with me and find out."


	69. Kiss Me: Chapter 68

_I was going to wait to post more, but all of your comments made me give in!  
Once again, I'm still so excited that you guys like this story! Your comments usually make my day!!_**  
**

* * *

**Part 6: Kiss Me  
**Chapter 68

"You seriously planned this out, didn't you?"

"What?" Derek asked as he threw the luggage that he had packed for them into the rented SUV. "Is there a problem with planning things?"

"That depends," she said as Derek opened the passenger door for her and she slipped inside.

"On?" Derek asked, leaning against the open door.

"On what you've planned."

Derek leaned in a kissed her gently on her lips, "I'm not going to tell you, there's no point in you bugging me about it."

She laughed a little as he shut the door and walked around the car to his own seat. "You might as well relax. It'll be about an hour drive."

"To where?"

He smiled, "Nice try."

* * *

Meredith opened her eyes and realized that they'd been driving for about forty-five minutes. She felt Derek's hand holding her own and she smiled. She adjusted herself in the seat; aware that Derek's eyes were on her. 

They were on a small, back road, the mountains around them. There were small houses aligning the roads in various styles and ages. None of this made any sense to her. What the hell was in Harrisburg?

She finally looked over at Derek who had a huge smirk on his face. "Don't even try," he said.

"Am I being forced to meet your parents? Derek Shepherd, don't you dare tell me I was hijacked from Seattle to meet your parents," she said forcefully.

Derek laughed and then looked over at her, "I promise, you were not hijacked to meet my parents. My parents don't even live in Pennsylvania any more."

"Any more?" Meredith asked with her eyebrow slightly raised.

"I grew up in Pennsylvania. Not in Harrisburg, but in a town near here. I grew up in Paxtonia. It's a small town not too far from here. When I was seventeen we moved to New York," Derek explained.

"And that's where you met Addison and Mark?" Meredith asked.

Derek was a little uncomfortable discussing Addison and Mark with Meredith, but he decided that if she wanted to know, he would tell her. "Yeah. It was my senior year in high school and everyone already knew each other. They were friends and I tagged along with them. Then we all ended up going to college and med school together."

"Oh," Meredith said quietly. "That doesn't explain what we're doing in Harrisburg."

"It wasn't supposed to," Derek said with a smile. "We're almost there. Just another five minutes."

Meredith looked to her right and saw a dark brown building, delicately designed, with gardens surrounding it. She looked over at Derek who turned into a parking lot on the left. She expected him to park, but he drove through the small parking lot and onto another road.

"Derek? Where are we?" Meredith asked.

"Stop asking questions," Derek answered as he drove the SUV up the mountain on the winding roads. There were trees and flowers on all sides of them, despite the clear ten-foot cliff two feet from the road on the right.

They finally reached another building and Derek pulled into a slanted parking space that faced even more trees. He turned off the car and looked over at Meredith. "Stay here. I'll be right back." He leaned across the car and kissed her before getting out, "Don't move."

Meredith watched as he walked away from the car and towards a building behind them. It matched the building at the end of the road, but wasn't as big and had a beautifully crafted wooden deck around it, also surrounded by trees and flowers of all kind. Despite the fall season, she could see it's beauty and only imaged the way it looked in the spring.

As she lost herself in thought, the car door opened again and Derek sat down. He turned on the car and smiled at Meredith. "What? What is all of this? And why are you smiling?"

"What's wrong with smiling? It's good for you," Derek said with a smirk as he backed out of the parking spot and continued past the small building farther up the hill.

"It's not going to be very good for you if you don't tell me where we are," Meredith said.

Derek chuckled, "Fine. Right now we are in the outskirts of Harrisburg. The Alleghany Mountains actually."

"No," Meredith said, "What is this place that we are right now?"

"We are at the Felicita," Derek said as he turned again, leaving Meredith unsatisfied and confused.

"The what?" Meredith asked.

Derek smiled, "You'll figure it out."

Derek took a left turn and a larger wooden building with four doors spread out across the front appeared on the left. Once again flowers surrounded it and to the right was a large amount of trees.

The car continued past it and went down a small hill before turning to the left again. This time a longer building appeared on the right resembling the first, but they continued past it.

Meredith wanted to say something, but she finally had come to the realization that she wasn't going to get anything out of Derek. She just kept her eyes glued to the magnificent scenery.

Derek continued driving a little further down the path before pulling into a parking space and turning off the car. They were facing a similar dark brown building, this one, however, with only one door.

"Derek?" Meredith asked, still confused at the situation.

Derek leaned over and kissed Meredith, catching her off guard. He pulled away and smiled at her, "Ready?"

"For what?" she asked quietly.

"For this."

Meredith looked at him with confusion in her eyes, but decided to trust him. Her confusion slowly slipped away as his smile reassured her. "Okay, I'm ready."

Derek practically jumped out of the car and hurried over to her side, opening the car door before she could. He stretched his arm out to her and took her hand, helping her out of the car. After closing the door behind her, he kissed her once more.

Before he could walk away, she stopped him, keeping his face barely inches away, "Derek, what are we doing here? In Pennsylvania?"

Derek smiled at her, "Lost time. Remember? I'm making up for lost time."


	70. Kiss Me: Chapter 69

**Part 6: Kiss Me  
**Chapter 69

"Derek, this view, it's amazing," Meredith said as her hands gripped the railing on the balcony.

Derek walked out to the balcony and stood behind Meredith. He looked at her smile and the perfect way the sunlight was hitting her features and highlighting her hair. "It's absolutely breathtaking."

"Who would of thought? Pennsylvania. That's not something everyone thinks of as beautiful," Meredith said as she turned around and looked at Derek, resting her back against the railing.

Derek smiled, "My parents were married here. It wasn't nearly as beautiful back then, but it was still something. They came here every year for their anniversary. They still do."

As he inched closer to her, she just watched him. She didn't say anything, mainly because words weren't coming to her mouth. All she could think about was her feelings right now, everything he was making her feel.

"I remember when I was about nine," Derek said as he wrapped his arms around her. His eyes were set on the view, but hers never left his face. "My parents had been fighting a lot. Everyone noticed it. My family started to think divorce was coming. They still came here for their anniversary though. I think it was more so that no one would question them. But when they came back, something was different."

"Different?" Meredith asked quietly, letting the word slip out of her mouth before she ever realized it had.

Derek looked down at her and smiled, "They were happy. They came back as the people they'd been before all the fighting started. My relatives thought they were just kidding themselves, faking it."

"What changed?" This time she'd asked solely to keep the story going. After he'd finished his thought, his face had changed. Thoughts had consumed him.

He looked back down at her, letting that glazed over look slowly disappear. "Nothing changed," he said simply. "Nothing needed to change." She looked at him curiously, not following his words. A small smile began to play at his lips as he let the words out, "They just had to be reminded. Reminded of what made them fall in love."

Meredith smiled at him as he leaned down and kissed her. Their lips parted slightly and her head tilted down, her chin resting against Derek's chest. "I'm so sorry, Derek."

He lifted her chin back up to him and smiled, "Everyone needs it every once in a while," he said before kissing her again.


	71. Kiss Me: Chapter 70

**Part 4: Kiss Me  
**Chapter 70

**Sunday, November 3, 2013-**

"Hmm…" Derek mumbled as he turned over in bed, the sun shining into his eyes from the large window.

He situated in bed and looked over at Meredith. Her hair was wet and wavy, lying perfectly against her shoulders as she sat in an over stuffed chair. She was wearing a fluffy white Felicita robe that she found in the closet as she read through some things.

He didn't say anything. He just quietly leaned back into the pillow as he watched her, a content look on his face. It was the little things like this that he loved so much about her. The little simple habits she had. The way she'd twirl her hair around her finger or bite her lower lip when she was concentrating. Sometimes she'd tap her toes in a rhythmic pattern. Derek wasn't even sure if she noticed she did these things, but he noticed them. He noticed them all.

Meredith let the papers fall down to her lap as she looked over at Derek. A small smile fell on her lips, "Hey," she whispered, not wanting to break the morning serenity.

"Hey," he whispered back.

She pulled herself out of the comfortable chair and found her way back to the bed. She sat on the side and pulled Derek's head into her lap. She began playing with his hair as she looked down at him, "I love you."

Derek smiled as he sat up and let his finger trace her jaw line, "I love you too." She smiled at him before letting him kiss her gently. "So what were you looking at over there?"

"Pamphlets," she answered.

"Pamphlets?"

She nodded as Derek leaned into the headboard, "I found them on the desk."

He laughed a little as she relaxed into his chest, "You found out about the Spa?"

"Yes," she said slyly.

"I was expecting you to want a massage. That's a bonus to all of this beauty," Derek said as he pulled her robe down her shoulder a little.

"Yeah," Meredith answered.

Derek shifted a little, "We have plans for today," he said as he began kiss her shoulder, eliciting giggles from her.

"Plans?" she asked as she wiggled a little, fighting the feeling he was sending through her body.

"Yes, but they can wait," he said as his lips traveled up to hers.

* * *

Meredith woke up from their morning activities, surprised that Derek wasn't lying next to her this time. As she pulled herself out of bed, the door to the room opened and Derek walked back in fully dressed.

She pulled on the robe that she had on earlier and looked at him curiously, "Where did you go?"

He looked up from a sheet of paper and smiled at her. Without answering he walked over to her and kissed her eagerly before parting and placing the sheets along with a few of his other items on the desk. "Out," he finally answered.

"Out where?" she asked persistently.

He smiled again and walked over to the bathroom area to place on his watch, "You should get dressed."

She looked at him strangely, noticing that he was avoiding her questions. Knowing him, she figured he had something planned, so she let him get away with it. "How should I dress? Since you packed my bags."

He turned around and smiled at her again. Now she knew he had something planned. Otherwise he wouldn't be so smiley. "Anything. Casual. It doesn't really matter."

She turned to her bags and pulled out a pair of jeans and a light blue sweater to wear as Derek ventured into the bathroom. As she got dressed, she couldn't take her mind off of his sneakiness and all of those smiles. There was something coming.

* * *

"Okay, I'm dressed. Now tell me where we are going," Meredith said.

"We are not going anywhere," Derek said as he grabbed his keys off of the nightstand.

Meredith looked at him strangely as he headed over to the closet, "Then I'm really not following this."

He handed her, her jacket as he put on his own, "Technically, I am going somewhere and you are going somewhere, but _we_ aren't going somewhere."

"I thought this was supposed to be _our_ getaway? As in us together?" she asked as he ushered her out the door.

He smiled and led her to the car, "Meredith Grey, I do believe you ask too many questions for your own good."

* * *

"Derek? What is this?"

Derek put the car in park and looked over at Meredith, "This, would be your stop."

Meredith eyed him suspiciously before speaking, "My stop?"

"Yes. You will spend the day here today, and then you will be driven somewhere else to meet me," Derek answered.

"Why is this all secretive and planned?"

Derek smiled at her, "Didn't we already discuss how I'm making things up to you? Now, go in there. Be pampered."

"I'm getting pampered?" Meredith asked with her eye brow raised.

"Of course you are," he said before she leaned over and kissed him, "I'll see you soon, okay?"

"Okay, I love you."

"I love you too," Derek answered as she opened her door.

She got out and looked back at Derek, "Bye."

"Bye, Mer."


	72. Kiss Me: Chapter 71

**Part 6: Kiss Me**  
Chapter 71

Derek looked over at the clock and noticed that it was nearing five thirty. He'd gotten his things done that he needed to, but he hadn't spoken to Meredith since he had dropped her off. Honestly, it was killing him. He wanted to call her a million times, but he knew he couldn't keep this to himself any longer if he did.

_There was a time_

He walked into the bathroom of their suite and looked at himself once again. He straightened out the collar of his light blue shirt and then grabbed his black jacket before pulling it on. He wanted to make sure he looked right for Meredith. He wanted everything to be perfect.

_I was everything and nothing all in one_

Before leaving the suite, he grabbed his keys, his wallet, and a few other things. He straightened up the suite a little and hoped that everything would go as planned. He wasn't sure if he could take it otherwise.

_When you found me_

He took a deep breath and realized that this was Meredith. She loved him. Everything was going to be fine. It was Meredith. His Meredith. There wasn't anything that he should be worried about. Right?

Despite that that question kept running through his mind, he refused to answer it. He didn't want to think about that small chance that he could be mistaken. There was still a slim chance that this entire night, this entire trip, that it was just all a mistake. But he had to listen to his own words. He told Meredith that that possibility was a risk he was willing to take for her. He has to prove his words to her.

_I was feeling like a cloud across the sun_

Derek took one more look at the room before heading back out to his car. He drove down the mountain, passing the building that Meredith was still at, wishing he were right next to her.

He continued all the way down the mountain, until he reached the main road. He crossed it and pulled into a parking lot across from the resort. He parked his car and turned it off, not getting out. He took one more deep breath, scanning his plan in his mind.

_I need to tell you_

All of his preparation had led up to this. He'd wanted all of this to happen for a long time. Granted, he would have chosen better circumstances, but as long as Meredith was here in Pennsylvania with him, then it was okay.

_How you light up every second of the day_

He got out of his car, and walked down the canopied steps that led to the back of a large deep brown building. There were roses and many flowers all around him, creating a pathway. At the end of the stairs, he looked back up and saw as the lights turned on in the darkening night. He knew by the time Meredith came, it would look amazing. But for him, there was another site he wanted to see.

_But in the moonlight_

Derek walked in the beautiful French doors and into a dimly lit room. It was large, with high ceilings, and large windows revealing the cascading mountains and flowing gardens.

He stopped at the hostess and smiled, trying to let his nervousness slip away. "A table for two, it's under the name Shepherd."

A woman dressed in a black skirt, heels, and a white blouse, smiled politely at him. "Do you have a preference between the fireplace and the bay window? The view is beautiful," she asked as she picked up two delicately made golden menus.

"The one by the window would be wonderful," Derek answered, thinking of Meredith's reaction to every aspect of the night.

She smiled again before leading him over to the table. "We have an instrumental group that should begin shortly. It's a beautiful background for a perfect night," she said sweetly as she placed down the menus, "Your waiter should be with you shortly."

"Thank you," Derek answered as he took his seat.

"I hope this night does turn out perfectly for you," she added before turning on her heels and making her way back to the front of the restaurant.

_You just shine like a beacon on the bay_

"I hope so too," Derek whispered to himself as his nervousness came back to him. He couldn't believe he was really this nervous. He had been so confident before he dropped Meredith off, but now all of that confidence had disappeared. He was actually scared out of his mind.

_And I can't explain_

Derek began to play nervously with his napkin, looking up almost every other second to see if Meredith had walked through those doors yet. Every time he did, she wouldn't be there, and he'd just go back to his napkin for a second.

Once he promised himself he'd stop after looking one more time, he saw a glimpse of her hair without even realizing it. His head shot back up and he dropped his napkin as he watched the hostess lead Meredith over to their table. He stood up and watched her, completely mesmerized as their eyes locked.

_But it's something about the way you look tonight_

He didn't move until she was standing in front of him, the hostess already heading back. He couldn't move. It was like he was under a spell. Her spell. She smiled sweetly at him and he went to kiss her quickly.

_Takes my breath away_

"I'm glad you're here," Derek whispered into her ear, "You look amazing."

His touch sent chills through her body as she looked over the candle lit room. It looked beautiful. "Derek, this whole day, the pampering, everything. It's amazing."

Derek took her hand and squeeze it gently, "It's nothing compared to what you are."

_It's that feeling I get about you, deep inside_

She wanted to melt right then and there, but Derek helped her to her seat and took his own. He was calm because she was there, but at the same time he was still scared out of his mind.

"What is all of this?" she asked, taking his thoughts away from him

"This? This is a restaurant."

She rolled her eyes playfully and smiled, "Seriously, Derek. The full spa treatment was amazing. And this dress? Gorgeous. This restaurant is incredible. Something is going on here."

"Be patient," he answered with a smirk as their waiter came over.  
_  
And I can't describe _

After ordering, they made small talk, keeping the conversation light. Meredith was trying her hardest to figure this all out without acting distracted, while Derek was trying to keep his nerves down. When their meals finally arrived, they were amazing.

"Derek, this must be outrageously priced," Meredith pointed out.

Derek took a sip of his wine and placed the glass down, "Your point being?"

"You didn't have to do all of this," she explained.

"That doesn't mean that I can't," Derek answered, "Besides, I still have a lot of making up to do for you. And just so you know, I plan on it lasting the rest of our lives."  
_  
But it's something about the way you look tonight _

Meredith gave him a sincere smile as she tried her hardest to stop the tears that were clouding her eyes. She didn't know why she was crying; this was just all so amazing. She knew Derek was wonderful, but this was outstanding. He was outdoing himself every second.  
_  
Takes my breath away _

"What?" Meredith asked, noticing the silent look he'd been holding for a few seconds.

"Nothing," he said as he shook his head.

"No, really," she said persistently, "What?"

"I just can't get over how beautiful you look."  
_  
The way you look tonight _

She knew she was blushing, but she didn't even trying to stop it. Derek reached across the table and took her hand in his, gently caressing her fingers. Meredith felt like he was pulling the tears out of her eyes with every move he made.

With a smile

"A lot has happened in the past few months," Derek said quietly as the small instrumental group near them began to play.

"Yes, a lot has happened," she agreed, a little unsure of where this was going.  
_  
You pull the deepest secrets from my heart _

"A few months ago, I thought I had lost you forever. I thought I had lost my chance at spending the rest of my life with you and loving you," he continued.

"Derek…" she whispered as a few tears slowly ran down her cheeks.  
_  
In all honesty _

He gave her a look that convinced her to stay quiet and let him finish, "When everything happened with us eight years ago, I didn't know what I was losing. I didn't know the consequences of my own actions. If I had, our lives would have played out so differently. Everything would have been better in those eight years. We could have been together."

Meredith opened her mouth to say something again, but he stopped her, "I don't know exactly how to say everything that I want to, but I'm trying, so just listen."

_I'm speechless and I don't know where to start_

She nodded and kept quiet, her tears still falling.

_And I can't explain _

Derek stood up and walked over to Meredith, bending down at her side, keeping her hand in his own. "Meredith, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Every day forever. I don't ever want to risk losing you again and I want everyone in the world to know that you are mine. I'm not going to propose to you tonight, solely because you were to be married to another man only a month ago and I'm not sure if you're ready for that right now."

_But it's something about the way you look tonight _

Her face was flushed and she wasn't even trying to stop her tears anymore, letting them fall freely down her face. Their eyes were locked and never wavering even in the moments that Derek took a minute before speaking again. Their minds were moving faster than they ever had, taking in every thing, and cherishing these moments forever.

Before Derek began again, he wiped away a few of her tears and she calmed herself, ending her crying. The redness in her face disappeared slightly and he smiled at her before continuing.

_Takes my breath away_

"Meredith, I'm going to promise you right now that I will be with you forever. I'm never going to leave your side, no matter what happens between us or to us. I'll be forever yours as long as you'll be forever mine. And I promise one day, that you will walk down that aisle, and we will be pronounced man and wife. All I ask is that you promise the same things to me. I love you and as my last promise, I promise that I will love you and only you for the rest of our lives."

_It's that feeling I get about you, deep inside_

"Meredith," Derek said as he took a black box out of his pocket and opened it, "I want you to wear this ring as a symbol of our promises and our love. I want everyone in the world to know what we have and that it will last forever. "

_And I can't describe _

Derek looked up at Meredith and her facial expression was blank. She was shocked. She was feeling more emotions than she could recognize and Derek couldn't read her. Her face began to get red again as she looked down at their hands that were interlocked.

_But it's something about the way you look tonight_

The world stopped for Derek. He couldn't hear anything and the only thing he could see was Meredith. He wasn't even sure if he was breathing anymore as the time slowed down.

_Takes my breath away_

After an eternity, she slowly raised her head back up to Derek's. Her expression hadn't changed, but a single tear rolled down her cheek. Derek knew that his entire life hung on what that tear meant.

_The way you look tonight_


	73. Kiss Me: Chapter 72

_Thank you all soo much for all of the comments! There are two chapters after this and then the sequel starts! I hope you guys like this chapter!_

* * *

**Part 6: Kiss Me**  
Chapter 72

_ You and I, in this moment_

Derek looked at her expectantly, but her expression didn't change. "Meredith?" he asked quietly, not completely sure if she could even hear his wavering voice.  
_  
Holding the night so close_

She blinked as if to make sure this was real before looking back at Derek. "Are you sure?"  
_  
Hanging on, still unbroken_

Derek looked at her strangely, "Am I sure? Meredith, I've never been surer of something in my life. I promise you that."  
_  
While outside the thunder rolls_

"Derek, I'm not the only woman here. I'd be your third wife. You thought you were sure with Addison and McKenzie too, didn't you?" Meredith asked desperately, effectively tearing down the mood Derek had created earlier.

_Listen now, you can hear our heartbeat_

Derek sighed and took Meredith's hand in his own, "No, I wasn't sure. I didn't even propose to McKenzie. She asked me. She said it was modern, but the entire time, you were flashing through my mind. I wasn't sure. But right now, I am sure. I am positive."  
_  
Warm against life's bitter cold_

She looked down at their hands and then at the ring in Derek's other palm. He placed the box on the table and lifted her chin slightly, before wiping away her tear. "Meredith, if you aren't sure, tell me. This isn't marriage; we both don't have to be completely sure. I just needed you to know how I felt about you. I didn't want you to doubt it, ever. If there is one thing you should be sure about, it is that I love you, okay?"  
_  
These are the days_

She smiled, still feeling his warm hand against her cheek, "I love you too," she whispered as a few tears escaped from her eyes again.

Derek's face lit up as her smile grew, "Promise?" he asked.

"Promise," she answered, as she threw herself into Derek's arms. He wrapped his arms around her as a few close tables began to applause, thinking that they were getting married.

As the restaurant died back down again, Derek pulled a little back from Meredith. He smiled at her again as he picked up the beautiful diamond ring. Meredith sat back down in her seat, this whole scene still seeming surreal. Derek looked up at her and took her left hand in his own. He silently slipped the ring on her finger, no words that described his feelings coming to his lips.

Meredith felt like she was practically jumping up and down as the ring slipped on her finger. She held out her hand and watched as the diamond caught the light. "Maybe life doesn't always get in the way of love," she whispered, partly to herself.

"Maybe," Derek answered just as quietly.  
_  
The sweetest days we'll know_


	74. Kiss Me: Chapter 73

**Part 6: Kiss Me**

Chapter 73

"Derek………." Meredith whined into her pillow, "Derek…… get up."

"Why?" he whined back at her, neither of them happy to be awake.

"Your phone," she groaned, "Answer it."

He groaned a little before finally grabbing his phone from the nightstand and flipping it open, "Hello?" he said in a tired voice.

"Derek, you need to get back here."

"Miranda?" Derek asked as he quickly sat up. His quick motion woke Meredith up as well.

"It's the Chief," she said dryly into the phone.

Derek swallowed hard, preparing for the worst as he felt Meredith's arms around him. He grabbed her hand and held on to it tightly, "He's still alive, isn't he?"

Miranda Bailey sighed into the phone heavily, "He's alive, Derek, but… just… Derek, you and Meredith need to come home. Now."

"Is he awake?" Derek asked, wanting answers.

Back in Seattle, Miranda looked down at her own feet, looking helplessly for answers to give him. She didn't want to place too much stress on him and Meredith, but he wanted him to at least understand a fraction of the magnitude of this situation. "Yes, he's awake. For now."

"For now? What the hell does that mean?" Derek asked getting angrier, not with Bailey, but at what was going on, "I'm a Doctor, don't talk to me like a patient."

"Derek, just get here. Soon."

Before Derek could yell again, there was a click on the other line, ending the discussion. He dropped his phone and looked over at Meredith, "We're going back to Seattle."

He fell back on the bed and Meredith lay back with him, holding him close. She didn't ask any questions. She wanted explanations, but she knew Derek would tell her eventually. She just held him tightly, hoping this too would pass. As her ring caught the moonlight coming in from the large window, she realized, that one day it would.

"I can't believe our vacation is over," Meredith said as she leaned her head onto Derek's shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Mer," he said quietly, "It wasn't supposed to be over."

"It's okay. I haven't been at work in weeks. This way, I can get back to my life. Get back to saving lives," she said, a little bit of a smile growing on her face.

Derek looked down at her, "You're going back to the hospital?"

"What did you think I was going to do for the rest of our lives? Lie around?" she asked sarcastically, "I'm ready now. I can handle Ryan and all of that."

"You sure?"

"Remember what you told me? I don't have to be completely sure," she said as she snuggled a little closer to him in the airplane looking down at her ring. It had become somewhat of a habit, one that she wasn't all that sure she wanted to ever get rid of. "But right now? I am sure."


	75. Kiss Me: Chapter 74

_So this is the last chapter. All I can say is don't hate me and the sequel will be up tomorrow!_

* * *

**Part 6: Kiss Me**  
Chapter 74

"It's like two in the morning here, isn't it?" Meredith complained as they drove through the dark streets of Seattle.

"Yes," Derek answered, "You can go home and get some sleep. I'll go see what's going on and call you as soon as I know something. There's no point in both of us being tired."

"Okay," Meredith answered quietly, taking a moment to think about the Chief.

Derek grabbed her hand, knowing what was going through her mind. "Remind me to kill Miranda."

"What?" she asked, a little surprised.

"She made us come back from California and now she made us come back from Pennsylvania. She'll probably ruin every vacation we have," Derek said, trying to lighten the mood a little for Meredith.

"I don't think that'll matter after she kills you for calling her Miranda," Meredith pointed out with a smirk on her face.

"Derek, someone parked in our parking space," Meredith said as Derek drove up to their apartment.

"I know," Derek said as he took another one.

Meredith looked over at him, "Aren't you at least a little mad?"

"Come on," Derek said as he opened the car door and got out.

Meredith followed and looked over at him, "Wait, aren't you going to the hospital?"

"In a second," he said as he grabbed her hand and brought her over to the car.

"Derek! It's my car!" she said excitedly as she wrapped her arms around him.

"You know, I'm not sure if I've ever met a girl who loved her car so much," Derek said with a small laugh.

"How did you get it back here?" she asked.

Derek smiled as he took her hand again, "I have my ways. Now let's get you upstairs so that I can head over to the hospital."

* * *

Derek walked into the hospital and quickly headed up to the Chief's room. Now that he didn't have Meredith to keep him smiling, the possibilities of the situation were weighing on his mind and he wasn't sure he really wanted to think about them. 

As the elevator dinged, he saw Bailey hurrying down the hall. He caught up with her and stopped her, "Miranda, what's going on?"

She looked up at him, more vulnerability in her face than he had ever seen before. "Something went wrong. He had a seizure and his heart failed again. Dr. Burke and Dr. Dawson took him into surgery immediately."

Derek's face went as white as hers, "What's the report?"

"I don't know," she said quickly as she headed down the hall quickly, Derek on her heels.

"Dr. Burke? You're done?" Bailey asked in a shaky voice as Burke walked out of the scrub room, soon followed by Ryan.

Burke looked up at Bailey, a small smile forming, "If he wakes up, he's going to be fine." The breath that both Derek and Bailey had been holding onto suddenly slipped out, sending relief through both of their bodies. "Welcome back, Shepherd," he said before walking away.

Derek wanted to see the Chief, but he knew he had to call Meredith first. He reached into his pocket, finding it empty. Realizing he had left his phone in his car, he headed back to the front of Seattle Grace. As he stepped out of the doors, he noticed a very familiar woman walking through the parking lot. He stopped and waited for her to meet him.

"What are you doing here?"

"Umm… I…" she searched for an answer for a moment, before quickly giving up, "Okay, I'm sorry, but I couldn't just sit there. Did you honestly think I could just sit in that apartment while you got to know what was going on? How fair is that?"

He laughed at her a little bit, before becoming more serious, "They rushed him into surgery. Ryan and Preston saved him. If he wakes up, he should be okay."

"Are you serious?" Meredith asked, almost afraid to get her hopes up. Derek nodded and she practically fell into his arms. She was so relieved.

"Come on," Derek said after he held onto Meredith for a few seconds, "Let's go home. We can see him in the morning."

Meredith nodded and grabbed Derek's hand as they walked out into the parking lot, "I'll see you in a few minutes," she said once they reached her car. She reached up a little to kiss him before getting into her car and watching him find his own.

* * *

Halfway down the road, Derek picked up his cell phone and dialed a familiar number. 

"Hello?"

"I miss you," Derek said.

Meredith laughed, "We saw each other about two minutes ago."

"I still miss you."

"Good," she answered, "I miss you too."

"You're smiling, aren't you?" he asked.

"Yes," she answered, "What's wrong with smiling?"

"Nothing. I'm glad you're smiling again. I missed that smile of yours. It's breathtaking," Derek answered as he slowed at a stop light, Meredith being the only car ahead of him.

"Crap, Derek. My phone is about to die. See you when we get home?"

"Okay. I love you."

"Love you too," Meredith said before she hung up her phone and dropped it next to her purse.

Derek watched as the light turned green. As Meredith pressed on the gas pedal, he almost saw everything happen before it did. It was like he knew what was coming. The truck that was speeding through the red light never saw her move. Not until it was too late.


	76. Ending Author's Note

**I wasn't going to post the sequel tonight, but you guys sucked me into it with all of your comments. **

**And by the way, thank you so much for the comments. I have like what, 300? That's crazy!**

**I'm not going to write much because I already wrote a really long author's note on the sequel (which you should read because if you don't, you may have trouble understanding!) **

**I'm just basically going to say that the sequel is called 'It All Comes Down To This' and the first chapter is called 'Hide and Seek.'**

**Now that I have this posted, I'm going to go post that!**

**I hope you have enjoyed this fic and continue to like the next!**


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